Should I talk to my partner?

[Rustdiek513]

Hello all,

Weird situation I’m not sure how to navigate. For context, my gf and I have been exclusive together for about 4 months. Things have been going well, and I really like her and enjoy being with her. A few days ago, a person I follow on social media advertised she was selling nudes.

Out of nothing but pure hornyness and stupidity, I bought one. I do not know this person in real life and never will, I purely find them attractive (and they happen to be a fan of the same sports teams), I also have never communicated with this person otherwise.
Immediately after looking at the picture I bought, I was overwhelmed with guilt and remorse and regret what I’d done. I deleted and blocked the person, although I obviously can’t take away the transaction. I am trying to work through the guilt and shame, but it’s been eating at me ever since. I don’t know if I should tell her.

I recognize that many would consider it cheating/infidelity (and I pretty much agree), even though it can be comparable to paying for porn. I’m not entirely sure how she would react, although I choose to believe she would be willing to work through it. At the same time, I wonder if it would do more harm than good. Sure it might help alleviate the guilt, but would only shift things onto her, making her question our relationship and her trust in me.

I have vowed within myself to never let something like this happen again, hence why I hesitate to tell her. On the other hand, I always believe in honesty and open communication. I feel disgusting and horrible about what I did, and am seeking professional help regarding porn consumption and also my overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. Any advice is appreciated.

If she's got any self respect she'll react by ending this. Nobody needs this only four months into a new relationship. Split up and work on yourself before trying dating again.

I disagree with the previous poster. You sound like you have reflected and are remorseful. Reflect some more on what made you do that, learn from it and focus on nurturing your fledgling relationship without mentioning it.

Have you paid for similar before or is this a one off? Context is important here, if this is a one off and you genuinely don't want to repeat it that's one thing. If you regularly purchase then it's a completely different story.

That’s a good point. Absolutely a one-off. I really don’t know what led me to it. I’ve never ever paid for stuff like that before, and find doing so pretty gross in general, hence a big part of why I feel so much shame.

I always think honesty is the best policy. Tell her what happend, that it was a one off, and that you don't want to do it again. Be happy to explore why you did it and see what happens. You can't control the outcome, she may decide that she doesn't want to carry on, but at least you won't be worrying about her finding out at some point.

Christ! Don't do this! Just forget about it and delete the photo. She's never going to see. see the transaction

I wouldn’t tell her. You won’t do it again, just move on.

It’s a tricky one. I’m a huge one for honesty. I can deal with a lot of someone comes to me directly and is honest and accepts responsibility.

It’s great you realise it’s a big problem and is cheating. It’s also good to recognise it’s an escalation of your porn consumption and are taking steps to address this. Telling her may help hold you accountable for this.

However there is a good chance that as your relationship is so new she may cut her losses and decide she doesn’t want to have to worry about this long term.

The question is can you live with the guilt and hold yourself responsible for never doing this again? If your guilt will affect you long term then just tell her and let the cards fall
where they may. If she doesn’t get over it, you will move on, and will be free from your own self loathing.