I am really struggling in my marriage of 20 years and desperately need help to figure out what is normal in long term relationships and life with teenagers.
It is important to say that DH was recently diagnosed with ADHD and we strongly suspect autism too. Two of our teens also have recent diagnoses of AuDHD. We are still figuring all of this out, but it is helping us to make sense of lots of challenges we have faced over the years.
DH has never been great at the emotional stuff, but I guess I wasn't either due to childhood trauma (neglect and emotinal abuse). I have been seeing a therapist for the past 3 years and now see things a bit more clearly.
DH and I did OK at first but I have become angry and resentful about him not really showing up for me and the kids when we need him. He is like a teenager. He moans about his responsibilities, plays computer games while the house falls apart, takes it personally when the kids laugh at him, is prone to sulking and withdrawing when he is overwhelmed. Since starting meds for ADHD, his behaviours have become harder to live with. He laughs at things that no one else finds funny, he has started stimming a lot and he now has unsual mouth movements. He struggles to manage his weight. Due to stress, he was compulsive overeating and became clinically obese. He started using glp-1 and has now lost a huge amount of weight very quickly. He looks unwell. He is very easily influenced by social medial and spends money on every fad going.
We haven't had sex in over 5 years. I went off it due to years of sulking when he didn't get what he wanted. It ended abruptly one night when I had told him that I no longer wanted to engage in a particular sex act and he grabbed my hand to force me to do it. My whole body now clams up when he touches me in any way.
Our kids tell me that he is easily stressed and can be quick to call them names like stupid or idiot. I feel that they have no respect for him and would never turn to him for support. He talks over them and tends to lecture rather than support. He lets us all down regularly due to forgetting what he said he would do.
I have always tried to help the kids see his point of view, but now I worry that I have let them down in not acknowledging that he has not really been much of a father to them. The kids stay in their rooms most of the time and there is so little laughter or joy in the house. I am miserable but I am too scared to seek a divorce.
DH and I have talked about our difficulties. He can talk about it and I feel that he tries his best for a while but it all slips back into old patterns. He struggles with the emotional stuff and tends to use stock phrases like "I can see that would be really hard for you."
Please help me figure out how much of this is normal in long term relationships. I keep wondering if I am making too much of things. Aren't teenagers supposted to be withdrawn, criticise their parents and be hard to engage? Am I expecting too much of DH? Does anyone have any advice on marriage to a neurodivergent husband or how to feel less lonely with family members who might experience their emotions/love in a different way to me.
I must admit that I am not feeling much love for DH right now, but could this be a phase?