I’ve realised how screwed up I am.

[CM97]

Long story short… single mum, 54 with grown up kids. I was with a narcissist for a year in 2023 and had loads of therapy after it. I was in a really good place. At the point all was good.

Then I met someone on line (let’s call him John). We were great together on every level but he’s got very strongly dismissive avoidant attachment style and would periodically withdraw. This made me feel an anxious, he then withdrew more and then we broke up in January. I started dating but was still chatting to John. After a couple of weeks apart, John and I decided to try again, but I was really cautious that he would become dismissive again and just leave.

I’m really ashamed but as a way of keeping my barriers up I kept seeing this other man who I’d met during our break (let’s call him Peter). It was more a friendship, we weren’t sleeping together but we had met on a dating site and I knew that Peter was looking for a relationship. I wasn’t opposed to this but really wanted things to work with John. Peter was very different, attentive, communicative, keen and consistent.

John and I were very close, he told me he was in love with me, but then he went away with work and started to withdraw. I panicked, became anxious and this caused him to withdraw further. A few weeks ago, I ended things with John after what had been a couple of months of minimal conversation communication from him. Things progressed a bit with Peter, we started kissing and the plan was for him to come over for dinner this week with the intention of him staying.

However, At the weekend, I reached out to John just to say hi and see how he was. Exchanged a few texts and I asked if we could have a phone call to catch up, he finally tried to video call when Peter was here having dinner. All I wanted to do is answer the phone speak to John but I couldn’t. Peter and I ended up having sex and it was just awful. No emotional connection, physically it wasn’t great either and my main thought was that I wanted to be in bed with John. The only reason I didn’t tell Peter to stop was because I didn’t want an awkward conversation about it.

John and I have had a few texts since we spoke very briefly on the phone yesterday but I couldn’t talk cause I was at work. This morning I’ve sent him a text and explained my feelings and that I’d like to try again. I’ve said the ball is in his court and I’m not going to reach out anymore. He’s read it but not replied.

I realise please screw up all this is. Peter Is carrying on as if nothing is wrong, he’s asked me out on Saturday.

I know that John not replying is an answer in itself, and I should just end things with Peter as well.

Can anyone make sense of how screwed up this all is? I’m prepared for an absolute flaming, but I need to understand rather than be told I’ve behaved appallingly I know that already.

End it with both of them. John is messing with your head to keep you dangling, and you don't fancy Pete enough. Also, never continue having sex with someone that you don't want. It's fine to say no at any point in the act.

Take some time out to be single and work on yourself. A good man will communicate and be present, not withdraw.

You're repeating old patterns. Dump both and get back to therapy until you're in a better place.

Just finish things with Peter, and stop being so needy round John. If John wants to continue the relationship, he’ll let you know. But in future, just stick to one man at a time, eh? Imagine how you’d feel if you found out that John, during your time apart, had hooked up with someone else and was stringing both you and her along (because that’s what you’ve been doing, OP ). Really not a good look. And think long and hard about John - have you frightened him off, or is he in fact keeping you dangling?

You know that you can just be single, right? Like, it’s not either or - you don’t need either of these men.

If a man is withdrawing from you, let him. If you’re not feeling it with another man, then end it.

This. And recognise that part of the reason you don’t fancy Peter is that he feels too available and undemanding. For whatever reason, you think John is more attractive because of his self-distancing.

Yes you’re right. John has been stringing me along, I’ve been doing the same to Peter. So ashamed.

I think a few months of being single will do you much more good than being with either of these men .

Forget the shame, it's not productive, just do what you need to do and move forward.

At the risk of sounding really pathetic, I really miss John. I thought keeping my emotional distance would have helped me not be so needy when we were together but I now wonder if not being really invested in the relationship with John was why it failed.

Stop with the shame! Its not a useful emotion here.

First of all : there is nothing wrong with dating more than one person at a time. Its dating! Not marriage. You are trying to see who works with you. If John didn’t realize that he who snoozes looses well—now he knows.

Second of all once you have put yourself out to understand a man’s attachment style put that knowledge to use. Its not like doing his colours and knowing he looks better in warm autumn shades. You discovered he had an “avoidant dismissive “ style? That meant you should avoid and dismiss hiim.

You seem to think you did something wise and sciency in identifying his attachment style but you really just obscured the fact that you got involved with another controlling, narcissistic, unavailable type. The word dismissive ultimately just meant he would avoid you and be cold/withdrawn/dismissive of you and the relationship on a cycle you can not break. The dismissive phase is another word for the devalue and discard phase of narcissistic abuse.

Stop and go back to therapy.

Dump them both and look after yourself

Yes, “dismiss and avoid” is a good description of what I should have done. Sadly I think that I’ve spent 9 months or so putting in effort to keep him close, it feels like a failure and a waste of time to give up.

It's nine months of learning and experience that you take forward with you in your life. This will help you avoid similar with someone else. You've not failed as it's not a task or exam, you've just been dating someone who's not right for you.

If you gnaw at a rock for nine months you will ruin your teeth and not get much gravel for your efforts. Should you continue? Opinions differ!

Actually they don’t. Look up “sunk cost fallacy “ and find yourself and this pattern.

I always say to my patients “don’t go to the wrong shop and expect to get what you want. Don’t go to the dry cleaner’s and try to order a leg of lamb. they don’t sell what you want to buy.

🔥🔥🔥

Definitely stop sleeping with Peter. You said the sex was crap and it's not fair to string him along.
Tell him you are not wanting a relationship right now.

As for John, can you be with someone who blows hot and cold like that? He's very unlikely to change and it could be emotionally very damaging for you. He's got you hanging on a string and can pick it up when he feels like it. That's not a decent balanced relationship.

So, you'd be better off single.

Neither man is right for you.

Delete/block and stop chasing after John who clearly enjoys being chased after but doesn’t want to be in a relationship. You know that you’re not really texting him yo say hi and checking in, you want to remind him of you and see if he’s with anyone else. You’re basically sabotaging yourself and causing yourself prolonged pain. You need to find yourself some self esteem because it’s self sabotage to chase after this man.

Peter is someone who you think you should be dating but you’re using him as a distraction from John. You’re also not compatible so it’s ok not to proceed with him.

End it with both of them. Re-read what you have written. You are not ready to have a healthy relationship with anyone. Build that relationship with yourself, ideally through therapist (sound like you had a good experience -- go back to that therapist).

Come on, OP. You're a mature adult - you don't need a man, especially if he/they cause all this hassle.
You're also hung up on therapy jargon (attachment styles etc), so you're analysing everything to death.
So ditch these guys.
Then delete all the dating apps.
Just enjoy life with your actual family and friends, and also do some stuff by yourself.
Then you'll be happy (and if you do eventually meet a man by chance, just take your time).

This. I don't think you are in a good place to be dating yet.

Fabulous advice. Thank you all x