Do you know when people say 'We just drifted apart' well

[MyKefirBringsAlltheboystotheyard]

we are drifting apart!. We both, I think know this, but neither of us are doing anything about it or even admitting it to each other. We have been married 24 years and have 2 teenagers. He's always been a bit 'glass half empty ' type and was prone to anxiety, so we didn't really do things for many years, or I did it and dragged him along. That has ended up with me just doing things and him just 'going along with it'. Last year, he lost his job and had a very serious depressive episode that led to him being sectioned. He is now on a cocktail of drugs which has meant his libido is very low, which frankly suits me as as well as being menopausal, I just don't want to have sex either. Probably ever again! We are in separate rooms because of his snoring anyway. He has applied for several jobs, got two of them but quit them both because they were too much, and I think the drugs have meant that he can't think enough to do anything too strenuous. He is working now on a zero hours contract, which is very low paid. I was fine with him doing this as I earn just enough to pay the bills and its doing something he enjoys doing, but he seems miserable about this too, probably because of the money. He has always moaned about his jobs and pretended he was suffering in order to 'provide' even though we have always earned equally (outside of maternity leaves) and he's never had the pressure of paying all the bills on his own shoulders,even though he acted as if he did, so I think having me paying for everything has dented his ego. But he can't hold down a job, so I don't know what he thinks the alternative is.
I had to buy my own birthday cake last month ( which I did do off my own volition, but still, he didn't think to go to Asda and get me a plain cake ) and it made me a bit resentful that I'm paying for everything and not really getting anything back. I keep fantasising about life as a single woman.
I don't really know what to do about this situation. I get on really well with his family, and I think they think he'll be OK because I'm supporting him, and my family are quite traditional so think I should stick with it because we're married. I think he has got back into a depression again and is pulling away, but I don't know how to raise anything. I don't know whether to talk to him about going to counselling or to ask him about going to a jobs coach or to go to someone to speak to, but that's again me telling him to do things, which he says 'yes' to but doesn't then do anything. He went to the doctors and they apparently referred him to some services but I haven't heard anything about it.
I think he will feel better if we split because he wouldn't have the pressure of comparison with me working and him not as much. He'd probably get more Universal Credit, as the amount he gets is very low due to my salary. I think it may kick start him into getting some support too, but I don't know if I'm just projecting because its what I want.

Hey there, that’s not a great situation for you to be in, especially after so long together. Have you spoken to him about how you are feeling and talked to him about separating or even entering a ENM relationship? This way you can both experience dating, but still stay in the family home together. Unless you want a clean break and separation is probably best. My personal opinion is we stay in relationships, because we’re expected to. I’m in no position to give advice, but I would say just be open with him about how you are feeling and let him know that you are thinking about how single life maybe an option.

Thanks, Yes we do need to talk about this. I know I'm just avoiding it and should just bite the bullet as he is avoidant by mature, and probably wont bring it up.
What is an ENM relationship? I dont really want to be in another relationship. I just want to be on my own, frankly! (apart from my children, both of whom are planning on going to University over the next 3 years)

"I get on really well with his family, and I think they think he'll be OK because I'm supporting him, and my family are quite traditional so think I should stick with it because we're married"

Its no basis or reason to stay married to him and besides which neither your parents or his are married to him; you are. Your in-laws are glad he is off their hands and your parents use "tradition" to tie you down to remaining married to him (so they do not have a divorced daughter in their midst. That is perhaps what they are thinking about here; they think it looks bad on them).

What do you want to happen ultimately?. If you want to part ways then tell him, do not let either your in-laws or parents influence your thinking processes here. Consider counselling for your own self and go on your own. You need to talk in both a calm and safe environment. I would also consider seeking legal advice re all aspects of separation and divorce. Knowledge here is power and you do not have to act on this immediately.

I would think your kids too have seen and heard more than enough already. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

It sounds like you are wasting your life being unhappy. Your relationship is over already really, you don’t have sex, he doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything with you and now he’s resentful of you paying for everything.

Yes you are correct in all of this. That is what my parents think. They are quite religious, even though there are already divorces in the family ( and plenty of unhappy marriages). I do need to do something about this and I think I will suggest counselling as a first step. At the moment, I can't think about what we will do with no kids to distract us, which is likely to happen over the next few years. They are already busy with their own lives. Just either sit in silence, or I just do what I want and leave him to it, but whats the point of that?

It sounds as if you’ve already made up
your mind but playing devils advocate- if your husband is suffering with depression then it’s an illness he’s not in control of. It sounds as if he’s gone to the drs and is waiting for something like counselling (?) but there’s a long wait for these services.
I think you need to be honest with yourself - is it his illness that’s making you want to leave (and there’s no shame in that - it’s difficult to live with) or do you just not want to be with him anymore? Once you’ve figured that out I think you owe it to yourself and him to discuss this properly- it sounds as if you don’t really talk together about your relationship. Is it worth talking together with a counsellor to see if things change or do you want to leave?

To be honest the illness has been what's been keeping me here. I just don't know what to do about it though, and I've got to the point where I'm wondering if being married is part of the problem that is causing this for him. We don't have much of a relationship at the moment and that's depressing for me, never mind someone with depression. In my fantasy land, we agree to split and he finds a nice job and a nice girlfriend he can talk about leftist politics with and we amicably get on for the kids sake without the pressure of a relationship, but the only way to find that out is for one of us to bite the bullet. If I do it there's a risk he will just get worse so maybe I'm hoping in counselling or something we can talk this through. I don't know if I've convinced myself this is all going to be great if we split and live separately

My account is doing odd things and DH is behaving oddly so I think I'm going to delete my account. It's linked to my Gmail which matches have been a mistake. Thanks for the advice and chance to get it all off my help