Advice please

[Carls1001]

Hi. I’m please after some advice about my relationship, I don’t know if I’m in an abusive relationship or if his behaviour is warranted. I’ve been with my partner for 6 years. I have a 16 year old son and we all live together. I notice signs of his bad temper quite early on but in all honesty I didn’t really see it much of an issue. But the relationship hasn’t been easy from the get go. We’ve had a rough 6 years and my mum took her own life 3 years ago so obviously this has caused a lot of strain and emotional distress from all. I don’t think I’ve actually dealt with this at all. We both admittedly drink too much. I drink to numb the pain I carry from everything. I don’t know if it’s me being to hard to be with. I do carry a lot of emotional baggage and I’m terrible with money. I can’t budget my wages pay the bills and he then pays for shopping which is a lot. He gets very annoyed with me about my style of parenting believing that he should take priority over my son because he works 15hr days and my son doesn’t have a job yet or at college after a bad break to his leg (he’s since recovered from) he said I make life to comfortable for my son and that I should be looking after him more. He’s constantly moaning he’s underfed and that I choose to fed my son over him and buy him all the nice food whilst he’s hungry. He says everything I do is wrong with parenting and that I don’t push him hard enough to work which I do agree with but I can see my son is struggling. I feel constantly torn in if I’m a good partner. I do honestly try my best to make everyone happy but someone always feels they aren’t. My partner does scream and shout and quite often intimidates me with throwing and punching things in the house. I’m also not silly in being able to identify that I’m not a good partner with money and him feeling like I spend all his wages and give him a rubbish service. He’s very particular about food and this makes it really hard for me to cook without the risk of it being not up to his very hard standards. There has often been times I’ve made food for him to refuse to eat it. Thus resulting in me now being very anxious around dinner time etc. and also very anxious around feeding my son if he’s not yet eaten. He told me last night that I’m either drunk and over emotional or miserable and that I’m not very good to be around. I am very emotional and do struggle with my moods but equally I feel like I’m living in constant fear of something going wrong. One thing can set his mood off and this can cause the mood to change and become very unbearable. I often find myself worried to say the wrong thing. I quite often feel like he’s got no interest in me and talking to me unless he’s doing the talking but if I do speak he will almost roll his eyes. This is really knocking my confidence and I don’t know what version I’m suppose to be. I just need some advice because I’m honestly at a loss. Am I the deserving of this behaviour? I do struggle myself with life and understanding what a woman is suppose to be like in the house. I work full time and I also take care of all the jobs in the home. Cleaning etc. I get up every morning at 5am to make his lunch and pack his bag so he can walk the dog. I feel completely lost. I’m to scared to tell anyone because I almost feel like this is admitting everything. I sometimes will be worried myself will get broken as it’s happened in the past. So I hide my iPad and work laptop if he’s showing signs of aggression. I really feel so lost because I do love him and he’s not always like this but I’m struggling with understanding where to go with it all. I don’t want to spend my life on egg shells but then perhaps if I was more organised and budgeted money he might not be so cross with me all the time. He does intimidate me and I do feel scared sometimes but then I think what I must be like to live with. Am I being unreasonable? I truly don’t know anymore. I feel sad if I imagined us not being together but then I don’t want my son to feel like I’ve not done what’s right but I honestly don’t know. I do do a lot for my son and he is nearly a young man but I am trying to please everyone. My partner says the working men should take priority over a child who doesn’t work. Which I don’t disagree with but where are the boundaries supposed to be? I have lost my spark and I know I’m not the same person and am working on myself especially with becoming sober but I just don’t know if he keeps moving the goal posts or if I’m just a bad housewife. He says the problems with my behaviour towards my son are ridiculous and he’s been telling me this for years and also that I need to budget money better. But I find this hard. He does name call and take things away he’s bought me. He will do something nice at the weekend and then throw it up to me and say he’s tried to spend money to make me happy and it’s still not good enough. Sorry for the long post. If anyone can please offer some advice I’d be so grateful. Thank you.

I’ve only been here since last night in a similar situation and asked for advice about staying in a relationship like yours.
The thing is I can see what I’d advise others but can’t seem to see it in my own relationship
Its an incredible challenge but my resolve to be happy has made me seek help. Your relationship sounds abusive too and there are DA charities who can help you either leave or support you to stay.
i have and I’m almost certain I’m finally done - the shouting is awful and it’s not ok.
i hope you’re ok in the future whatever you do x

He is abusive. Could you ring Women’s Aid for advice about how to leave him?

You work, yet do all the cooking and housework too? Why? And he’s so critical that you find mealtimes stressful.

he’s a complete git. You deserve better.

I would contact Womens Aid for further help and advice. You are indeed in an abusive relationship with your so called partner so it’s over. Get this adult male out of your lives asap and permanently.

Examine through counselling exactly why you allowed this man into your lives at all, I suppose he was all sweetness and light to start with and any red flags apparent were either not recognised or minimised.

Like practically all abusers he is doing the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. And what do you do and or say when he starts on your son?. Trying to protect him while you are all
living under the same roof is impossible.

What is the situation re the finances and property?. Whose house is this, if it is his are you named or any mortgage or deeds?. If it’s rented is it a joint tenancy?.

Did your so called partner move into your home when your son was ten?. He’s also had a lot to put up with in his young life and enough is enough. This man who latched onto you wants to rule over both you and your son and your son and he’s still a child. What sort of a job does he expect your son to get at a mere 16 years of age?. He’s an appalling example of a stepfather to him and I see without surprise your man does not like your son at all. Such selfish men often target single mothers to abuse them and in turn their kids.

Drinking to numb your pain will not help you; you need to address what has happened re your mother head on. Your drinking is also playing into this man’s hands as well.
Between you and this man your sons home is not stable nor emotionally safe.

Do contact Cruse re your late mother. It’s not your fault she took her own life, it was no reflection on you as a person.

You’ve got a lot to sort out - don’t think you can fix this all at once, you can’t.
First, your son needs to get to college. He needs to sort this now to start September. And get himself working in the meantime.
If you’ve got problems with drink and money, you do need to address these, think about doing it for you, not for him or your relationship, because they’ll impact you all your life, whatever you do or whoever you’re with.
Then there’s him. You’re scared of him and what he’ll do, he shows no respect. If you have no respect then you can’t love….
You say you love him but do you just feel dependent? He doesn’t act like he loves you. His occasional acts of kindness he expects to be instantly repaid by behaviour changes from you.
So he’s not good for you, right now you’re not good for you either, I think maybe you’re focussing on your son to avoid addressing these big issues? Get help with managing drink and money - but do it for you, not for him. Then think hard about whether you really want to be with someone who treats you like this. Throwing tantrums, making you afraid in your own home and refusing to eat what you’ve cooked are not the acts of a good person and I doubt they’ll change if the books are balanced and you’re stone cold sober.
I said at the beginning this wouldn’t be quick or easy so one step at a time. It can and will get better.

Your relationship with your son is at risk here both because of your drinking and this man you’ve invited into your life.

If you do not act to get this man out of your life your son could well end up leaving home far sooner than later and not want to return home very often if at all. He could well accuse you of putting your abusive partner before him.

This above potential scenario would also suit your abuser down to the ground. Do not let that happen!. You have a choice re this man, your son does not.

Your poor son. He deserves better than being forced to live with this shit of a man you've imposed on him. You are likely to lose your son if you don't do something about it.

Who is going to employ a 16 year old?. Not many jobs for them.

He’s a child and nowadays they’re expected to be in education, an apprenticeship or college until they are 18.

Op - what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. How is it you’ve ended up in this situation?. I would also assume you are moving love with codependency and that state is not healthy for you either. Get help for your drinking and sober up before your life as well as your sons goes further down the tubes. Your partner basically wants to drag you and your kid down with him.

You have taken a small but significant step in writing about this on here, keep that moment going. Abuse thrives on secrecy too, time to bust this wide open now.

Op - I would also contact the Samaritans and ask them about you potentially enrolling into their programme called Facing the future.

My mum and dad didn’t really have a great relationship it wasn’t anything like this but my dad was very similar in ways. ie - walking on egg shells. Feeling anxious if something took too long or if something went wrong. But I was loved and never experienced any of the above with either of my parents. I’ve always struggled with relationships and actually having any self respect letting men walk all over me from being a young woman. I am definitely in a co dependent relationship. That feels very scary and very isolating. Thank you for your advice. I’m on the path to becoming sober. I’m really glad I took to here for some advice. Thank you.

Your parents taught you an awful lot of damaging lessons about relationships and that is also why your relationship history is so poor. It made you ideal for abusers like this man to approach and go onto abuse you. Your boundaries here, weakened as they already were, are being further eroded by this man now.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?

please take heed of all the replies and rebuild your life as well as your sons now from the ground up. He will thank you for doing that.

I feel for you, OP. Such a lot to deal with here. You’ve done well in writing this post and taking the first step though. What other support do you have in your life?

Check out these:

Gingerbread - support for single parents https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/talk-to-us/

Women’s Aid - https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/talk-to-us/

not sure what area you’re in, but you may have a local domestic abuse charity. I feel like you’d benefit from having your own IDVA to guide and support you out of your situation over time.

It sounds awful.
To keep my answer.simple, I'd ask yourself what joy having this man in your life is bringing to you and your son? If the answer is "not much", you need to find a way to leave. It's often lonelier to be in a relationship like this than to be on your own

I feel sorry for your son. He's now had two abusive men in his life and you sound like you have a problem with alcohol.

Yes this man is abusive. You're walking on eggshells and he's aggressive. He is treating you like a servant and trying to get you to favour him over your son.

You need to contact a domestic abuse organisation and get advice on leaving. You work which is great and you're not married so it's obviously easier.

You need grief counselling and help with your drinking. You can learn to budget OP, it's not rocket science. There are plenty of free courses.

Stop drinking so much, if you are dependent on alcohol then get some support to quit. If you aren’t only drink on a Saturday.

Get your son sorted and focussed on college, he will feel better once he has a goal.

Speak to women’s aid, honestly life is much nicer without an abusive man in it, your son will thank you and you will
realise you don’t need a shit man in your life.

If you stopped drinking you might have a clearer view of your situation and how to address it.