Just want to vent

[ImperialGoddess]

First, I want to say..Don't tell me to walk. Im in it for a long haul.

I've been with my husband coming up on 10 years, married for 8. For the first 6 years, we were 2 peas in a pod. We got along great. Our sex life was better than great. Then we had our son and the dynamic changed.

My husband and OB claimed I had PPD but I felt everything I was upset about at the time had merit lol Our son is Autistic and has many delays, and requires a lot of attention. He also has a lot of therapies, he is 4 this year and my husband really wants him to go to school and be around kids. Im.hesitant. I used to be a social worker and I have heard a lot of terrible stories that just weigh on me. Plus my son cannot talk so Its hard to have some stranger watch him.

But I feel like our marriage isn't what it once was. We are both busy. He works, Im a SAHM. I go to the gym at night. Whenever I am happy about how our life is its like he starts complaining and nipping at my heels until I start moving. Being a SAHM, I basically hold it all together. He is a slob around the house, Im tired of cleaning up after him like he's some unruly teenager. I have talked to him about it so many times, he "tries" for a time this falls back into old habits. Because we don't have lives outside of what we do on a day to day basis, we dont really talk about much outside of that and our kid. We also don't see eye to eye about our sons needs a lot of the time. We argue a lot about it, mainly because I'm home with our son a lot more than he is. He has his visions and wants for our son but it's not what our son NEEDS all the time. He is an emotional man and likes to think of his heart and not his head. I do feel unappreciated at times.

Its a bit sad and maybe why I'm thinking about it, but my husband recently went out of town for work and it was nice not having to argue or fight, and I could give my son a consistent schedule without conflicting ideas on a daily basis. I've thought about maybe doing marriage counseling just to get us on the same page but getting the man to do that is hard due to his schedule..

Again, just venting..

I’ll throw 3 things into the ring:
First, counselling - Sure he could find time, but he needs to be committed to making it work too. If he is, he’ll find time. If not, don’t bother.
Then, your son - I know more than one person who’s walked because their kid was ND / had SEN, husband couldn’t cope / had very different ideas about how to deal, she left to protect the kid. So one way or another you need to get on the same page.
Finally, try to get back to work, even part time, asap! It will give you back more equality, some different focus, and I’d be surprised if subconsciously his mindset is currently ‘my role is now to work, hers is to cook/clean/care.
Good luck

I’m really sorry you’re unhappy too, I’ve left it the best part of 34 years and I’ve made a lot of reasons to stay and you are at a different stage in your life, but please don’t think being in it for the long haul is the only way. That’s not how it should be, you sound like a lovely person and you’ve also reached out because you are miserable-
you said you’re happier when he’s away, and it’s so unfair on you, to feel this way.
i stayed, we had therapy but my husband is incapable and unwilling to be a good man.
Do try therapy, but if it’s still feeling wrong for you, look forward 25 years, because I could’ve had a happy life if I’d been” braver “ and more pragmatic- I love my husband- wish I didn’t, but haven’t been in love with him forever.
If you stay, make the gym your sanctuary and get yourself counselling separately for clarity and to protect your mh.
you sound like a great mum, but you have to think about your own wellbeing too. Kids grow up and then you’re stuck like I am.
I haven’t left yet, and it’s been 34 years- it got worse not better but I’ve stayed too and refused to see how much I’ve been damaged.
if I do leave, it’ll be the best thing for my little family, even now they’re grown, I have my grandsons to think about too. in my case it’s time, for you- pls do all you can to have the best life you possibly can, wherever you are x

I'm not unhappy. I actually love my life. I feel super fortunate that I can stay home with my son. Without my husband, that wouldn't be able to happen. My husband IS a good man. He works his butt off to provide for our family, he spends time with our son, helps with him, plays with him ect. I've been in bad relationships with bad people, but he is not that. But despite all the good, he is flawed.

It took him a long time to adjust that after our kid, it wasn't going to be "the way it used to be." He has become very insecure because our sex life is pretty minimal (I hit perimenopause, I have hardly any sexual interest in anything with a penis) so he thinks he's unattractive. He doesn't pick up after himself. When he cooks he literally leaves everything in the sink or the counter, when the trash can is 1 foot away. He always throws hisvclothes on rhe floor and seems to forgot the hamper is right there. When he shaves he leaves the hair in the sink. Its just so damn annoying. At the end of the day I'm just exhausted. A friend of mine told me that she was dealing with something similar and she told her husband that if he didn't clean up, she'd throw everything in trash bags and he'd have to dig through it if he wanted it back lol and she did, and after a few days he got the picture lol I've thought about doing that.

Bittenonce, I actually got my license again recently and am looking for work. My husband is supportive of my finding a job but he's kind of being an ass about it, trying to guide me to the job he wants me to have (more money). I recently had an interview with a contract position, 20 hours a week for around 50K a year. Which I think is pretty dang good. I would have the freedom to choose my schedule which I like but because it's contract we would have to do our own taxes and once he found that out he said, "well a job's a job, right?" I'm still pissed at him for that comment. He makes about $120k a year after taxes and he thinks we are poor and is always comparing himself to his colleagues who have 2 people incomes and that he needs to make more money, but we are fine. I grew up in a wealthy household, so I have a different view on things. I know what it's like to be wealthy and poor (after my parents pulled the plug on me). So I know to be grateful for what we have.

Granted I'm not perfect, I do have anxiety and PTSD..but I go to therapy for my stuff. He has gone for me in the part but he thinks 3-4 sessions and he's good and he thinks that fixes things. He doesn't like when I tell him, that's not how it works.

Your 20 hour contract sounds perfect!