I finally left!

[SnappyShark]

I posted on here a few months ago about wanting to leave my husband, I finally did it I plucked up the courage with some help from friends packed up me and the boys things and left one Saturday morning while he was at work to move in to a rental.
Now the thing is i didn't get the response I was expecting at all from him, I was ready for the anger, the fights all the other stuff that goes with it but no I got tears lots and lots of tears. It's been nearly 2 months now of living separate and it's still very raw. He is trying and bending over backwards to make me happy even selling his beloved house as I hate it there and under no circumstances will ever move back to it. But the thing is while he is being this person who is doing everything, wanting to talk about feelings and just the actual husband I needed I feel very strange. I'm constantly picking fights over silly things to the point I'm making him cry, I'm pushing and pushing all the time with my words and actions. I have told him that I do want him to hurt and I want him to know how it feels to be like I was and if we are ever to give it another shot I will not tolerate that kind of behaviour again I will go and never return. He has said he knows this and that he really messed up etc. He has been very remorseful and im grateful for that, I just can't shake this feeling its all just an act 😞

Don't be a hot beverage receptacle.

In your other thread it says:

Fast forward another week he came to the door in tears and I like an idiot let him in he stayed and we carreid on.

This is his MO because you're a sucker for tears. Stop taking this waste of space back and create some stability for your children.

Organise co parenting, put a claim through CMS and stop having heart to hearts with him.

oh @SnappyShark I really feel for you. please don't fall for his act, that's all it is. You need to stop communicating with him unless it's about the children and get some counselling for yourself, and not get drawn in. At least give yourself 6 months before you consider reconciliation. he is lovebombing you.

Why did you leave? and if he was capable of being such a great husband, why did he choose not to be so up until now? Please consider these questions. Don't get sucked back in, you've done the hard work of leaving.

Thank you, while we dont need to co parent now as such as our boys are older teenages 17 and nearly 15 they can make up their own minds who they see and when. I appreciate the response, it's been a long road and one that I never thought I would even consider, I hope it's the right decision in the long run. 20 years is along time to have someone in your life good or bad xx

In six months you'll be delighted you didn't take him back. Stay strong and remember that no one needs a cheating drunk in their lives.

It was a combination of a few things. His mum passed suddenly 3 years ago and he started drinking heavily, this lead to a lot of arguments etc over anything and everything. We moved into her house took on the mortgage but I wasn't able to change anything as he wanted to keep it like it was ( while I did understand this in the beginning after 3 years I was done and wanted to make it home).
The boys are older teenagers and so they need me less and less and I wanted more from him which he couldn't give, I told him if it carried on I was going to leave ( something I had threatened many times) but this time I meant it. Like I said 20 years is a long time and it's hard to shake that bond all be it a bad one x

OP, has he actually sold the house or just put it on the market? There is a massive difference,

Put all the weeping and drama to one side. Do you trust him? Can you imagine life without him? Have the last couple of months been better than life before? Do you catch yourself feeling relieved? If so then you know you have made the right decision.

Good luck. I've been married twice and the first one was tough when it ended. I was in some ways like your husband and tried to get her back and think in my case I genuinely tried.

The second marriage I learned that I wasn't getting what I needed. When the subject of divorce came up I moved 250 miles away to restart.

I haven't read all your posts and not sure of the specifics of your break up, Hopefully you can both move on, it's much healthier, to quote Oasis, to not look back in anger.

It's on the market but as its in my name he actually doesn't have a say on offers etc ( complicated story as to why but he couldnt get a mortgageat that time so i did it in my name but never felt like my house). The idea was he would get a mortgage in his own right and buy me out but he doesn't want it now either. He said we need to find our house.
As for trust I honestly don't know 🤷.
I ahve been with him since I was 19 im now coming up 39. He is my only real relationship, the kids are both his etc. So no I can't imagine life without him. And to be brutally honest I hate my "new" life 😑 i have so many times wanted to go "home" even though I dont know where that is. This house isn't a long term solution its just for now so I haven't settled as such just plodded along. On the face of it I'm doing amazing as everyone keeps telling me but inside I'm a mess. I have no doubt I'm depressed and have been to the doctors who have signed me up for CBT so that's a start. I know things take time its just a road I have to travel xx

Oh goodness that's tough. I really feel for you going through all that and its hard isn't it to let go but onwards and upwards x

I'm a better person for the education and know more about myself, hopefully it's a positive outlook you can think about. I really wish you well. X

Thank you I genuinely appreciate that xx

You're welcome, try to avoid confrontation too. Keep going ma'am. You got this.

time being responsible for yourself and your own feelings is invaluable. I didn’t date for 6 years after my short first marriage. Sort yourself and your head out before making the same errors repeatedly.

I wouldn't consider going back for at least six months, to give yourself time to adjust to your new life. It's still early days and of course you'll be missing married life (or rather missing the life you expected, not the one you had). I'd also make it a condition that he gets some counselling, as he has perhaps never properly dealt with the grief of losing his mother.

Having said that, think carefully about whether you do still want to be with this man. You've never really known much adult life without him. There's a whole world out there, full of lovely people (and many horrible ones, so take care), so don't feel you have to settle for what you already know out of habit.

Probably crocodile tears, but also, people don't appreciate what they have until it's gone.

Either way, both are reason not to return.

So am I Right in thinking you told him over and over that you weren’t happy. You asked him to change over and over. And over the years he did nothing?

It is only now that you’re gone that he has changed? At no other point before you left, did he consider your feelings?

Has he gone to Counseling? Has he apologised? Has he acknowledged how his actions have hurt you? Has he said this without any expectation that you will return to him?

To me, the shows that he was perfectly capable of being a husband who considers his wife and her feelings. It is only now that you are no longer there looking after him that he considers change. And is he only considering change for as long as it takes for you to go back.?

My advice is to give yourself some space from him. Work out who you are without him. This does not mean you won’t get back together. It just means you are looking after yourself. And his reaction to your request will tell you a lot. Is he supportive of you finding your happiness? Or is he worried that you will no longer be there for him?