How to spot a narc

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If you ever was in a relationship with a narcissist, looking back, were there early signs they were a narc (which you perhaps ignored)?

What are the signs?

I’m newly single, not looking to date at the moment but could do with a list to get back to later.

I’d recommend looking at Caroline Strawson’s content on this. I’ll link to one video below. The main thing is to look at how they treat people. If they are lovely to you, shower you with compliments, gifts, make grand plans, that’s a warning sign. Also look for them bragging about themselves. Also look at how they treat people in service jobs like servers in restaurants. Narcissists tend to be lovely to people they think will elevate them and awful to those they see as ‘below them’.

Video link here

Also, let’s include covert narcs too, they are harder to spot.

Thank you for the link

Look at their relationships with friends and family. No longer term friends, a couple of no friends, aren't close with family in my experience but some might have an enabler parent.
Trauma in their past- they are the victim
Past relationships- what did they learn about themselves? They can not be wrong, or be accountable, they will blame the ex or not want to talk about it.
Jobs- my experience is they move jobs fairly often.
Brag about themselves.
No manners with others- waiters etc.
Love bombing, moving quickly.
They aren't wrong, ever. Can not see the other point of view. Find a topic they are passionate about: religion, hating a particular band, politics. See how they react to a conversation about different viewpoints to theirs.

Victim mentality; no one has their back truly, people always break their trust and aren't there for them, even when there's lots of evidence to the contrary. They always put themselves out for everyone, but it's never reciprocated - basically gearing you up for wanting to prove to them that you will appreciate them and be there and restore their faith in the world.

I think the following is more the covert narc, they tend to take the victim mentality a step further by being extremely negative about the world and life in general and resentful about people who have more than them. Statements in the vein of how rich and successful people had everything given to them or are just lucky and it's not fair and "those people" don't deserve any of that, doesn't want to believe some people actually worked hard for what they have. They genuinely believe no one except themselves deserves to have success and a mansion really, except the narc is not going to work for it and actually does expect it's just going to be given to them. And if it's not it proves how unjust this world is.

Both have crazy exes that supposedly abused and threatened them and were 100% unreasonable with zero cause.

They will tell you you're perfect. A gift from God. What did they do to deserve this amazing woman etc. But they cannot handle not being at the forefront of your mind at all time, if you don't text them back on time or always have time for them on the days they expect to see you, regardless of your valid reasons, they will get triggered.
At the start of getting to know them, their reaction might be quite mild, but you'll notice a temporary shift in their energy nonetheless, they might just suddenly be negative or complain about something else you did or go silent longer than normal, before they bounce back.
But it won't take long before these shifts in energy start to turn into stonewalling, gaslighting and rages

All of the above.
My mother was/is a narcissist and so was my recent ex partner of 15 years, although he was more covert.
Early signs were being emotionally unavailable, no empathy, a shell of a human being in times of need then as the years rolled on, unwilling to discuss any other view point, grandiose (he was or could have been the best at anything), lied about his achievements, blamed others or me for anything, sneered, ignored boundaries, looked at me with utter contempt one minute and the next telling me he loved me, saying nasty/hurtful things and then 'it was only a joke, you are so sensitive' - oh I could go on and on.
Have a look at Dr Ramani on YouTube.

The thing is, if you are having to ask about a narc, looking things up about them, then the chances are your red flags are waving a warning at you anyway. Don't ignore them.

Some of these things are not necessarily going to be red flags in everyone you meet, was just my experience with an extreme narcissist! Some of them were red flags that I minimised or made excuses to myself for him/ looked at empathetically, when he didn’t need my empathy, I just needed to walk away!

knew him for years before dating, he was very charismatic, always the main event at any social gathering, the one where everyone’s eyes were on him, witty, charming, made everyone laugh, people looked up to him

Had some enemies that clearly saw right through him

spoke about his ex and mother of his children as a huge mistake he had made, apparently got cold feet day of the wedding, never really loved her, felt pressured into it all etc etc, found out later he lied about a lot and still had her on the back burner

lovebombed, said I was absolutely perfect, showed insecurities early on, wanting all of my time, attention and focus. Once hooked quickly turned it all around to “you want to much communication from me and I am so busy” etc

6 months In suddenly started falsely accusing me of bizarre things that were the opposite of who I am as a person and accused me of lying to “make myself look better than I am” wore me down with this as I believed he must be deeply insecure from the past or something and that I had to convince him of how loyal I am as a person

was projecting the entire time, was speaking to lots of women behind my back while I only had eyes for him

would hurt me in the most painful ways and then push and push sometimes for weeks until I reached breaking point and got upset or angry and then spend the next weeks focused only on my reaction, this destroyed my sense of self and I spent a lot of time crying

alternated between months of lovey dovey closeness to sudden nasty withdrawals/ false accusation/ dumping me. Broke up with me about 20 times in the space of a few years over things he fabricated, while saying he still deeply loved me but apparently I had done something damage the bond. Examples are stood too close to a man I was talking to at a charity event, must fancy his friend because HE thought the friend was good looking, dared to ask for sex without porn being involved showing that I “don’t trust him to know what’s best for the relationship and just think he’s a pervert” which leads to the next point

convinced me to try kink involving constant talking about other women in bed which then progressed to porn which he swore would be an “occasional treat” but turned out to be every time, so about 6 motnhs of me thinking he only had eyes for me, descended into just talking about other women and punishing me by cutting off sex if I just wanted to be close without all of that,

telling me he tells other women he wants to slee with them if they try it on with him, to not hurt their feelings, said women throw themselves at him all the time, and he’d never even tell me when this happens because I would just make a big deal of it

had an obsession with female submission and gave me hypothetical scenarios to tell me I’d never be submissive enough, told me I should have blind trust. Gave me examples like “I might go away, not tell you where I’m going or when I’ll be back, and you should trust me blindly”

just seemed to need validation from multiple sources and I believe now that he was juggling multiple sources sexually and romantically

would go into rants about my past, even though I only ever had one sexual partner before him which was a serious relationship. Would talk about how much I must’ve loved being shagged by that man (that man used to beat me)

things I confided in him he bought up in arguments, for example told me “women always think they are a victim” a dig at my past which I was over but had shared with him as we got to know each other, and I was a victim then, couldn’t have loved my ex more and didn’t ever retaliate or act aggressively with him- it made me feel dirty

tried to make me paranoid and jealous by referring to other women and situations with very little detail

pretended I had said or done things I hadn’t said or done, or denied things that happened, felt like I was actually becoming deeply enraged and hurt inside over time

never admitted to being wrong- ever, I was always chasing him instead.

acted like he loved me and couldn’t live without me, then sudden break ups out of nowhere where he didn’t seem to care one bit but when I tried to contact him he acted like a victim that I had betrayed. Said I was perfect and amazing and then the next thing I was an evil toxic b* who was draining him. This would be sudden and a fabricated event and I couldn’t do anything about it, because it wasn’t real, or didn’t make sense to me.

the list goes on, but you get the general idea, thank God I haven’t seen or heard from him for the last few years

If you mean an abuser:

Lovebombing
Fixed idea about gender roles
Makes jokes at your expense
Flaky
Is very 'sensitive'
Has a crazy ex
Signs of temper and impatience
Rude to NMW workers
Makes sexist comments about women
Selfish in bed
Has a child they don't see
Tight
Doesn't react well to "no".

For sure with the misogynistic comments, to add to my thread above my ex seemed to think most women are anyone’s who pays them some attention, that women can’t be trusted, he’d go on about women who scream at concerts etc, that wasn’t even my personality type one bit, I was really independent and completely alone and celibate almost a decade before him/ projections are huge for a narc, they will essentially admit to what they are doing by accusing you of the things they are doing,with no evidence or reasoning behind it.

Has an opinion on everything.

Says “Trust me….” all the time. (Or variations of, like “You can trust me…”/“Don’t you trust me?”/“Believe me….”, etc)

All exes are batshit crazy/obsessed with them.

Often has kids that they “Can’t see” because crazy ex is keeping them from them. Usually they are also not paying CS for same reason. Always has a victim story re this rather than admitting to being a deadbeat parent.

Living with parents due to tragic circumstances - later you find out it’s gambling debts and shit credit and/or unemployment, unpaid CMS payments

Probably doesn’t drive, so they get to drink while you play taxi driver (and pay for everything because they “forgot their wallet”/“haven’t been paid yet.”)

Very interested in your housing situation. Keen to get slippers under your bed. Stays over so much (because… parents) that they “might as well move in…” You notice they move in surreptitiously by colonizing your bathroom, etc…

Has negative opinions about your friends/family/colleagues/kids…Makes you feel guilty for wanting to see them instead of them all the time.

They don’t “do” normal things… like cooking, shopping for food, paying bills, seeing their friends (they don’t have any), cleaning toilets, laundry, etc….They’re far too superior to waste their precious time on banality. That’s where you come in.

Has a conspiracy theory to prove why they are smarter/more special/don’t need to contribute to society.

No self-reflection or accountability.

The emotional range and behaviour of a toddler masked by use of grandiose language.

My previous girlfriend? God the less said about her the better, it all started off ok but she turned out to be a crazy bitch.

I didn't realise at the time but looking back I had a relationship with one for a year. Love bombed, crazy exes (I guess I'm now one of them too!) who abused him, no friends, constant phone calls to me, tried to distance me from my friends, tried to stop me having my own life, had lots of female 'friends' he was in contact with, accused me of being unfaithful with any other man I may have had a connection with (even work related)....I could go on. I was so unhappy in this relationship but found it so hard to escape. And people thought he was so nice! If only they knew!

Never in the wrong, never apologise, seem to think they can do what they want and when they want with no consequences, think they are superior to everyone and everything and that the world owes them everything. Tight fisted with money too.