Am I being unreasonable?

[Loulou2004]

Ok this is a long one. Please please read as i am desperate for advice. I am a 40 year old woman and my husband is 57. We have been married for nearly 2 years. We got together and married very very quickly. Just after we got together my husband got diagnosed with cancer and we went through the journey together and is now cancer free. He has now been diagnosed with Epilepsy, which sometimes makes him confused. We are both bus drivers but he has lost his licence for car and bus. I gave my job up with a bus company which I absolutely loved, but found it hard to work whilst looking after him and dealing with some management issues. Since leaving my job, I have realised how much I loved it there, but I can't get my job back as it turned a bit sour with the management. This has been really difficult for me to accept as I loved my job. I have worked for other companies in the area, but looking back I think iv been depressed and couldn't cope and gave the job up as I was comparing it to my original job.
My husband is not working and his epilepsy is managed with tablets so all good. I understand he is feeling really low and depressed bur all we are doing is arguing everyday about money. Am I being selfish for expecting him to go out to work now his epilepsy is managed.?
My husband and I don't have sex anymore and haven't for over a year due to him having erectile disfunction, but he will openly tell me he watches porn and pleasure himself whilst I am at work keeping him. I have got to the point where I have lost myself and don't want to be with him anymore. I don't fancy him or even like him to be honest. He has refused to leave the house so that leaves me going, but I don't have anywhere to go and have Very little money. What the hell do i do. I can't keep going on being so unhappy

You don’t like him, you argue every day, he doesn’t want to work, you don’t have sex and he watches porn whilst you work. I mean, there is an obvious question here - why wouldn’t you just leave?

Shit. I'm really sorry to read this. The only thing I can say is that, in life, you have no obligation to be unhappy. You're young. How will you feel in ten years (which will go by in the blink of an eye) when you're 50 and your husband is 67?

You don’t like him so leave if that’s what you want. It’s unreasonable to expect him to work when you aren’t either though. He’s been through a huge amount in 2 years, as have you both.

Hi
dyou know what?
I just asked a not dissimilar question in a niot dissimilar situation. MI immediately thought
Just leave.
And then I thought about myself and it’s going to be really hard but I think we both need to leave.

Hang on.

You're only 40?

Leave FFS before you become this man's carer. You're a young woman. Apart from anything else you deserve a sex life.

He saw you coming.

You’re 40 years old and you’re already a nurse.with a purse for a cocklodger almost old enough to be your father who has numerous health issues making him old before his time

You’ve only been married 2 years and not had sex for half of that but he’s happy to knock one out watching porn.

You're 40 - you’re in your prime. Don’t waste years of your life on this man out of misplaced loyalty.

Thank you for you advice. Much appreciated

I don't know where to go. Ihave no family and very little money.

Hi. I'm sorry you are going through a tough time. I definitely need to leave but have no where to go and not a penny to my name. I have no family. I just don't know what to do.

You make a plan.

Think long term. What's your current financial situation. Are you able to build up a deposit on a room in a lodging or a HMO over the next few months?

Put in a claim for benefits as a single person.

Then simply pack up and leave.

Benefit calculators

Start here OP. What would you get as a single person

Your situation isn’t clear- do you jointly own a house or rent? Do you currently have a job? Time to plan for a single financially sustainable future - what might that look like?

If you own or are 50/50 on the house sell it. If he refuses to leave he can buy you out.
Get some legal advice. Citizen's Advice is free.

First off yes that's a big age gap. I have a relative married 4 times and she (from experience) said 10 years max. Anything more and you may become the carer. I'm not saying that a) you can't care for someone if you love them b) you walk away from a relationship when things get difficult, but I do think it's completely understandable why you're trapped and unhappy .

My first question was going to be are you working? Because you've said that's what you loved and you have to do what makes you happy. We can make temp sacrifices but there's no need as your DHs epilepsy is managed. My advice is think widely about options - retraining from scratch, moving onto something else that is a logical-ish move for your skills and interests. Once you set that in motion you will start to feel like you have a future. You will then be able to see how your DHs recovery has gone and whether its a viable relationship.

I have a tiny pension and nowhere to go, but I’ve contacted a DA charity who are going to help me leave- I’ll have nothing with no friends and only my lovely younger daughter and 15 year old grandson ( daughter a 15 yr old mum) nearby and no family or friends.
Everything practical tells me better the devil you know, but that’s not enough-
I love the person he can be, but that’s not what he has become and I’ve lost my mh my self respect and am a tiny shell of what I was.
it may be different circumstances but I know if you leave and declare yourself homeless to the council, they have to help.
im not sure of the details, but don’t we have the right to the rest of our own lives?
For the first time I see him for what he is- a rapidly aging, bloated, angry man who moans about being a failure and ignores the rest of us until he’s playing the “ support card”, no sex ( and he repulses me now, mentally too) and I’ve let him damage my daughters all their lives. I wrote a list, would be staying for him and he deserves nothing from me. There’s always a way sweetheart x

I have left with nothing. Literally no money because he’s got us in crippling debt, not even for food and I’m in a hotel as a place of safety. On Monday I have to declare myself homeless but he’s sitting pretty in our lovely house with everything I own in it.
its shit but I don’t regret it I wish id left years ago not after 34 years.
its really bad right now but it’ll get better for me and you can do it too- im scared and apprehensive but thats normal. One day at a time- pls leave and be happy x

Well—you have very little money but that is partly because you are supporting him and he isn’t working.

Move out to the cheapest flat share you can find. Sever the relationship and put your energy into getting back to work you love. Two years hard graft for yourself will put you in a better position than two more years living with this porn obsessed wanker (sic).

This is the consequence of age gaps as they get older. I jumped ship from one myself but not quite as big of a gap as you but I had my own money and home.

I hope others are able to offer practical advice.

Christ, you’re not unreasonable and the more I read about these situations, the more I realise how lucky I am. I left nine years ago but selling the house gave me a good deposit and I live on my own very happily and thankfully none of this shit, although I’ve had some lucky escapes. If anybody is close to North Shropshire, please shout out, the thought that you’re living in such awful circumstances is horrendous and I’d truly be glad to help.

You are so brave. Well done xxx