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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Living with in laws is affecting family life

4 replies

Rox77 · 28/05/2025 21:50

Just need to rant...so I live with husbands parents, it's a culture things, he's the only son out of 5 and his parents from day 1 have engraved his head and emotionally that he has to stay with them and never let him get a job out of town even. Daughters are married and moved out. I'm.stuck with them and its not starting to work as his dad's got late stage dementia now, we have a 2 and 3 year old and I'm always planning stuff and outings as a family to keep life normal and as how I imagined witj my family. We planned a week holiday in a few days and cause fil was struggling to go upstairs (has good/bad days) she started on my husband, saying he's ill and you lot are going on holiday, and I've seen the emotional stress it's causing him. There's me saying we need to book a holiday and go away and do stuff and his mum always making him feel guilty! We're doing a huge favoir by staying here compared to.the daughters who auto feel like we live here so it's out job to take care of them and they can do whatever. I've told my husband he needs to ignore her as just cause he's the child living here doesn't mean it's only his responsibility or mean he's the only child. We are looking to move out but he's thinking they'll be coming with us and I domt think it's a good idea anymore as it restricts our life. His mum can manage his Dad and they can get carer help but she declined. We've just started a family and we have to deal with so much stress sometimes. If we went somewhere and he was ill they'd say oh they left us etc. I've learnt to ignore it as it's not our job 100%. Because his father had lived his life fully and is now in 80s, why are we having to pause our life. It could be 1 year or 10 and then his mum.eill probably have issues. Sorry its long. Just needed to let it out. I'm just worried she'll be like oh look he's not well, just put him off going. When she has 4 other children!

OP posts:
Azandme · 28/05/2025 21:53

As someone from a white British background with an only son, Indian husband, I knew exactly what I was getting myself into.

Didn't you?

Rox77 · 28/05/2025 21:56

@Azandme yes and no. I was clear from day 1 I didn't want living with them to impact our life. They agreed. But I didn't get families were this extreme abour sons. In our families, everyone does their bit and no one is pressurised to do it themselves. Annoying :(

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 28/05/2025 22:07

Would you consider moving out with the kids? Not necessarily divorcing or ending your relationship, but just not living with the inlaws, then your husband has a choice to make, parents or his wife and kids.
You do not have to stay if it makes you unhappy.
In some ways i do understand your husbands position. I only have my dad and i've lived with him my whole life (he's my carer as i have really bad OCD and have PTSD and depression, also suspected ASD and ADHD so i've never been able to live independently) and whilst he's in alright health at 63, i would want to live with and care for him physically if that changed. But i understand your side too, I have a fiance but we don't currently live together, his mum is in bad health and probably only a couple years from needing some level of care, but i don't want to live with her or be the one providing that care. Like your husband my fiance is one of 3, one has a family and isn't local, one is local and single but just isnt the type to "do" care and we all know it, so my fiance is the one it will be expected to fall to. It's a problem for down the road that i really don't want to think about tbh. Atleast we don't and won't be having kids to add to the puzzle, which i'm relieved about tbh.

Rox77 · 28/05/2025 22:15

@AlmostAJillSandwich I've considered moving many times ( to parents or purchasing my own) but we're looking at buying a hoise together (I love my husband and he's good to me). My husband doesnt fo any care. He just lives here and has his hands full witj work and helping with the kids. His 2 sisters live a couple of mins away so they could always check up on them if needed but they don't really bother as he lives here. I've made it clear now that they need to stop treating their brother likes the only child. Its draining. I do believe you should be there for your parents, but it should be equal. It's always the ones that want to do nothing that will winge the most abojt why someone else is not taking care of them! Honestly, I'm only 28 and its draining to be around it.

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