Do I even tell my father I am pregnant? Not sure if want him to be part of life - HELP

[gummybears]

Am new to this so apologies for mistakes!

He isnt like other parents. Two years ago I nursed my mother til she died of breast cancer having just graduated from university and was only 21. I moved from Scotland to London to start new life and my father shows no interest - has not once been to see me, has toxic second wife who I fear is a great stirrer and I know has fallen out with own children in past.

He has said some horrific things to me, treated my mother appallingly - hit her, pychological abuse etc.

Am pregnant with his first grandchild and don't really want to tell him. Don't think I want him to share that joy. If he has not ever visited me then surely he won't be interested in any grandchild?

Can i just cut him out?? Hurts so much. Feel like kicked in stomach after poison e-mail from him.

Any words of wisdom? Sorry - this makes a boring read..

it's not a boring read at all honey....

no experience of this but there are plenty of mnetters who will be along to give you advice i'm sure....

My father has no knowledge of his grandchild, he was a complete tosser to me and therefore has nothing to offer my children only the potential to hurt them.
You have to decide if you want him in your life, sounds as if you have already made that choice why does a baby change that.

Agree with KatieDD.
He sounds unpleasant. If he has not acted like a father to you, why should you treat him like one. If you have given him enough chances to repair any damage that's been caused,you have done enough.Also if he fails to show any interest in your baby, you will be hurt all over again.

Thats what I feel - that if he isn't bothered by me (yet claims 'loves me to pieces' in e-mail today 6 months after we last spoke/argued) then why would he be interested in or have the right to see my baby?

Am bored of hearing the 'but he's your father! from people when I say we have not spoken. As if this somehow excuses everything.

He had a fairly screwed childhood from what I know but for how long can you blame that?

I do sympathise

He has no rights as a father/grandfather or otherwise, i wouldnt involve him at all, years of being a horrible abusive man wont go away overnight, he'll always be the same and do you really want someone like that in your ds/dd's life?..sorry you dont have a nice father at this time, when you could do with it.

Do what you feel is right and don't worry about him!

My DH and his father haven't spoken for years and have never seen eye to eye since DH's mum died over 20 years agao. After a big fall out they never really spoke - it was only pleasantries if they both bumped into each other. Then our DS2 was stillborn and FIL didn't come to the funeral. We're pregnant again and won't be going out of our way to tell FIL.

I sympathise. I was in a similar position. Have grumpy baby so got to run, but will come back and update.

Congratulations to you and thank you - oopsadaisy.

Feel sad my bump won't have any maternal grandparents tho as my mother would have been wonderful.

The " he's your father " line means nothing. He hasn't acted like one.
Personally I always feel really sorry for people who persist in trying to keep up realtionships with toxic parents when it's obvious the parents are never going to change. It feels like they are still desperately seeking parental approval years and years down the line.
FWIW I think you are making the right decision.
And yes, his troubled childhood obviously affects his current relationships, but he has to take responsibility for this.

I've done it gummybears, so you won't hear "But he's your father!" from me.

I stopped seeing my abusive and manipulative dad many years ago now - when I was about your age. A bit older when I cut off contact with him altogether. He doesn't know I have a child and that's how i want it to stay. He can't behave, he's abusive and nasty - why should I inflict him on my son? As far as I'm concerned, he has lost any right he may have had to be a grandfather and be in our lives - my DS's welfare comes first.

Of course it hurts, I sympathise. Now I'm 38 and a parent and have lots of lovely friends and family, but I still cry sometimes that I never had a proper dad who loved me, and that that imaginary person isn't here to be DS's grandpa. But if it's the right thing for you to cut him out, you must do it and not feel bad about it.

Are you quite newly pregnant? The other factor to consider is that when you're pg, hormones send your emotions all over the place. If family issues are tough for you normally, they'll be 10 times worse now. You don't have to make a decision immediately - you could decide not to tell him right now, enjoy your pregnancy, maybe rethink this issue after the birth or at a later date. Good luck with everything.

Snowleopard - thank you. If you don't mind me asking - what about your mother? Is she around?

Often tell myself to get a grip when find getting very angry and worked up about him - has anyone ever considered or spoken to anyne professional bout these kind of feelngs?

I agree the "he's your father" crap doesn't wash at all, you have relationships with people you like, all the negativity, draining bullshit got cut out of my life 6 years ago when I stopped talking to him and my goodness it feels better.

My mum is around though she lives a long way away. It's not a great relationship as I do hold her responsible for not protecting me from my dad - but we do see her, she is a lovely granny to DS and I'd say I get on with her reasonably well these days.

(I'm so sorry about the loss of your mum btw - how hard for you.)

DS also has two other grandparents, my partner's parents. they live equally far away and don't see us often, so we don't have a tight-knit extended family thing going on at all. Seeing other people who do have that is hard sometimes - but we do have friends who love DS, we have a great nursery, we have lovely babysitters who are like grandparents to him, and so on.

Oh and yes - i have had years of therapy! And it has helped a great deal. If you are still feeling angry and churned-up about him, I think that could really help. You might have to pay for it, but ask your GP in the first instance - they might be able to recommend someone. Having a child is a time when these things can really come to the surface, and sorting them out in your head might help you feel more prepared for becoming a mum too (I don't mean at all that you wouldn't be a good mum otherwise, but you might find the overwhelming feelings that can come with it easier to handle if you'd had that support).

gummybears,

I too cut my father out of my life. I was 18 the last time saw him, and 20 when I last spoke to him. He and my mother were divorced, and I just could not bear listening to him trying to blame it all on her (because, obviously, when mum used to take us to see him for contact, and he couldn't be bothered to turn up, that was her fault )

I too nursed my mother through terminal cancer, when I was 22. And after she died, I ofund out that my father was shocked that she had died and nobody had told him she was ill. He though he had a right to see her at that time.

I got married, and have two beautiful daughters, and he has met neither my husband nor children. He died recently, and so he never will now, but I do not feel any regret about this whatsoever. Imo, it was far better that my children did not meet him, and give him the chance to spread his poisin around a bit more.

I do sympathise, as it does hurt - a lot. You are grieving for the father you should have, but don't. That is sad, but it is not a reason to keep him in your life.