Ended things with avoidant/commitment phobe

[relationshipissues]

Background is we are both 35. Dated for 4 months. Stayed over each others places most weekends and sometimes mid week. I started to realise he didn't like talking openly about feelings and it didn't seem to come naturally. We had a few arguments over it where he would assure me he does really like me and see s it going somewhere and we were exclusive but not yet in a relationship. Everything was great except for this.

After 4 months, he was still not wanting to commit to a relationship, and said he was finding the idea of it difficult as it had been a very long time since he had had a relationship and he found opening up and getting closer to someone hard. He hasn't had any traumatic relationships or anything so it didn't make much sense to me and I concluded he was an avoidant and perhaps not as into me as I thought although he always said he was and would give me compliments and have no trouble with sex.

I ended things yesterday after another argument on the same lines at 4 months in. He said he was shocked as thought we were working on things but understood why I felt the way he did. Now he is ignoring me. I know what i've done is right but I feel so hurt and upset and wondering what was wrong with me that he didn't want to try or didn't fall for me in a way I always see happen with other people when they meet their partners.

I'm surprised he is ignoring me and thought at least we would have spoken about things and gotten closure. Please tell me I did the right thing?

It sounds as if you did exactly the right thing. The relationship wasn't working for you. That's all it ever has to be.

You did the right thing, 100%.

All this modern shit of "being exclusive" or a "relationship" - he would have done that weeks ago if he'd really wanted to. But he didn't.

It's better you don't speak to him - the full end is done. Now you just have to deal with it, which will take time. But you 100% have done the right thing and you should not speak to him even if he offers - he caused this with lack of communication/commitment. He needs to be in the past with no contact.

After 4 months you’re exclusive and spend most weekends together and yet he won’t commit to saying you’re in a relationship?

Ok I’m old but I don’t get this sort of thing. How is this not a relationship?

Sounds like he’s still keeping his options open for a better offer - all these pseudo diagnostic titles to basically describe a bloke who wants to have his cake and eat it.

No thanks, if he can’t make up his mind after 4 weeks let alone 4 months then he’s a waste of time.

Now he is ignoring me.

I don’t understand. You ended things. Why are you now trying to be in contact? Of course he’s ignoring you. You ended it, it’s over, there’s nothing more to say.

So you broke up with him what more closure do you need?

I think I just expected he might say more than 'I understand' and then disappear, perhaps I expected him to take the responsibility over why this didn't work out perhaps?

If he’s an avoidant he won’t ever commit to anything no matter how long the time frame is. They often instigate a break up and decide they want to be ‘friends’. Nothing actually changes they want relationship benefits and the ego boost but all on their own terms. They won’t ever talk about emotions because they’re genuinely terrified of them. A dismissive avoidant who isn’t self aware and working on themselves isn’t relationship material. I had all this for 18 months until I gathered up my self respect and ended it.

I also found out he had a bunch of so called female friends he strings along at will too.

That will never ever happen. It’s always someone’s else’s fault 😄🚩

You won’t get what you want from a bloke like this.

You just need to find your own closure by moving on.

Four months is early to be arguing over feelings, I wouldn’t like that pressure to be pushed onto me repeatedly at that stage.

You have ended it though so I don’t know why you expect him to fight against that.

OP there is nothing wrong with you ..x
You say, how come he didn’t fall for you like you see happening with your friends ..
You dated a guy who doesn’t want to commit & your friends didn’t ..

I always think I want a bf & I always say , oh I want to meet someone nice , I’m after kinda meeting someone nice now , but truthfully I’d rather spend my spare Time with my 17 & 14 year old & I’m happy that I get on well with him , but to meet him for fun is all I really want ..
The comparison I’m making , is , it’s not him , he’s lovely , just like in your situation it’s not you x x

To quote Monica Geller, "If you're too afraid to be in a real relationship, then don't be in one."
You dumped him. That's your closure. Move on.

@relationshipissues , well done for swerving a lifetime of misery. I married a dismissive avoidant and had no clue what I was dealing with. Twenty years of no communication, avoidance and loneliness. I couldn't tell you what his favourite colour is he was so closed off.

However, expecting some sort of conversation as closure is unrealistic with a person like this. He probably can't express his emotions, let alone self reflect. Leave him be and find someone who deserves your emotional intelligence. They are out there.

Just finding it hard and feeling very rejected because the bottom line is, we haven't worked out because he wasn't into me enough.

He was using you. Be glad he’s gone.

Unfortunately that’s life OP. But he’s shown you very early he’s not the one for you so you haven’t wasted years of your life.

Cry your tears, dust yourself down and move on. He’ll be a distant vague memory before long.

Rejection is not nice OP & everyone has felt it at sometime in their life ..x

He has commitment issues though , so feeling it’s cause he is just not that into you isn’t it either ..
Afraid to get too attached is huge for some people…

It's not you, it's his fear of intimacy that causes this. He isn't able to get close to another person which isn't a judgement about your value to him. He will be like it with everyone unless he meets another avoidant ie someone who's happy to be at arms length and then it's not really a relationship.

I know a couple like this. He works night shifts, she spends most of her time alone. They are both a bit dull, conflict avoidant, like lodgers more than husband and wife.

What you are looking for is authenticity, reciprocation of feelings, ability to talk through conflict. Being alive! It is out there. Don't waste time on this person.