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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Claire laws advice asap please

18 replies

Pinklillyfreya · 28/05/2025 00:08

Hi all, name change for this one

Posting on here as I have read up some fantastic helpful advice from mumsnet in the past and hoping someone can help.

I'll try to keep this brief and straight to the point.
I have been dating a man for a couple of months now.
All seems to be going very well amd no red flags
We met as he is a neighbour ( few doors down) we live in a tight community , only 1 local pub etc so very easy to meet people that live within a close proximity ( I will explain soon why this part is important)

Anyway he recently moved to this area , say 8 months ago, we became friends and things natural progressed to dating.

I was telling a close friend of mine about him while we were chatting on the phone.
She said can I have a look at him , so I gave his full name and she had a bit of a Facebook nose , like we all do and I had done myself when I first met him.

Anyway something came up for her that I hadn't seen.
After going down the old Facebook rabbit hole she said ah look there's a post from a couple years ago from a woman, he is tagged in this must be his ex. It was a nice post of them together.
So I then have a look at her at the same time on my phone out of curiosity as we all do.

She seems a lovely lady & devoted mother ( he told me he has a child that lives away with his mother , he's visited since I've been dating him so I knew this part) it also confirmed it was his ex.

My friend noticed she posted something about domestic abuse a year ago
We both then read the post, it was saying please all women do a clares law so you do not have to go through anything I have been through. She had also made this post public for all to see.

I know this is Facebook and not full proof but as you can imagine it's completely freaked me out

I want to now apply for a clares law on this man , however after reading some previous posts on here I've learnt the police can just turn up at your address... I cannot have that happen as he is my neighbour in a tiny culdasac and he could see the police turn up. If he is dangerous I Don not wnat him to know I have applied for this!

Is there anything I can do to prevent them turning up and being called in instead ( if there is anything to be told that is)

Any advice much appreciated, thank you in advance.
I'm supposed to be seeing him for a date tomorrow, I'm going to say I am unwell until I get a clares law

OP posts:
Exhaustedtiredneedabreak · 28/05/2025 00:13

Yes you can give that information and they will call you to a meeting at the police station.

Original poster
Pinklillyfreya · 28/05/2025 00:13

Exhaustedtiredneedabreak · 28/05/2025 00:13

Yes you can give that information and they will call you to a meeting at the police station.

Thank you so much for this. Very helpful

OP posts:
FlippyKiYayFlippyFlipper · 28/05/2025 00:17

When you do the application explain he is a neighbour and you can’t have police at your address.
they usually ask you in to the police station anyway but explain the above just to be sure.
have a back up story about witnessing something at work or out at the shops and police wanted your account just in case they do turn up.

MAFSQueen · 28/05/2025 00:21

Hopefully all is ok OP!

it could have been someone the ex has been in a relationship since?

Original poster
Pinklillyfreya · 28/05/2025 00:25

MAFSQueen · 28/05/2025 00:21

Hopefully all is ok OP!

it could have been someone the ex has been in a relationship since?

It ties up with the same kind of time he said they broke up. But yes this is a possibility.
I really thought he was a good man.
All I've seen is green flags so far.
However I know that abusers can be lovely to begin with, thanks for your reply

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinklillyfreya · 28/05/2025 00:26

FlippyKiYayFlippyFlipper · 28/05/2025 00:17

When you do the application explain he is a neighbour and you can’t have police at your address.
they usually ask you in to the police station anyway but explain the above just to be sure.
have a back up story about witnessing something at work or out at the shops and police wanted your account just in case they do turn up.

Thank you, yes I'll make sure I have a back up story. My friend has said I can use her as a story say I witnessed something to do with her. She lives in a different town so he won't be able to go checking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinklillyfreya · 28/05/2025 00:27

Will the police tell him someone has made a clares law application? Because it will be very obvious it is me.
We've been seen out dating together locally. I know I am the only person he is seeing amd so does everyone else in our area

OP posts:
EmmaD9 · 28/05/2025 00:27

I don’t think it’s normal for police to come to your house. In my experience (through work), they will ask you to attend the station. Only other method I know of is that police may disclose over the phone if a professional e.g. social worker is present with the person. That might have been in Covid though. Just tell them your concerns though when you ask for the Clare’s law.

EmmaD9 · 28/05/2025 00:29

And no, he won’t be notified. And anything they disclose they will advise you not to make him aware you know.

Original poster
Pinklillyfreya · 28/05/2025 00:31

EmmaD9 · 28/05/2025 00:29

And no, he won’t be notified. And anything they disclose they will advise you not to make him aware you know.

Thank you for this. I haven't slept since reading her post and I keep reading the comments it seems she had a terrible time

OP posts:
FlippyKiYayFlippyFlipper · 28/05/2025 00:31

Pinklillyfreya · 28/05/2025 00:27

Will the police tell him someone has made a clares law application? Because it will be very obvious it is me.
We've been seen out dating together locally. I know I am the only person he is seeing amd so does everyone else in our area

No they absolutely won’t. They want to reduce any risk to you and telling him would increase it. Make sure your back up story covers you if he sees you actually going into your local station too. Good luck

ButteredRadish · 28/05/2025 00:38

Good luck, OP

EmmaD9 · 28/05/2025 00:39

Oh I can imagine, try your best to switch off - and best of luck. At least you found the post and are doing what you can to keep yourself safe. Act as normal as you can for now, it sounds like you have fab friends x

BluePandaCool · 28/05/2025 01:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Threestripesswoosh · 28/05/2025 01:29

They should understand this, some women will be living with the person they’re making the enquiry about.

ClimbCroaghPatrick · 28/05/2025 01:58

I've done this before. You fill in the application online and then the police will give you a call and talk through what happens next. They never just turn up at your house or anyone else's for that matter. It's all processed by them in their office based on the data they do or do not hold on that person, any previous complaints or convictions. They will then contact you in the way you specified - by phone or email, making sure it is a good time for you to speak in confidence. If they find nothing on their system about this person, you will be informed as such. If they find something about him, they will arrange for you to meet an officer at the police station. It is that straightforward generally and the person in question will have no idea it has even happened.

JustSawJohnny · 28/05/2025 12:02

Pinklillyfreya · 28/05/2025 00:25

It ties up with the same kind of time he said they broke up. But yes this is a possibility.
I really thought he was a good man.
All I've seen is green flags so far.
However I know that abusers can be lovely to begin with, thanks for your reply

Show quote history

If they showed their true colours from the off no woman would ever get involved with them.

It truly sickens me that they have enough self awareness to hide themselves until they have someone well and truly cornered.

I'm so glad your friend caught this, OP. Hopefully you will have clarity soon and can splitsafely if needed.

isolate34 · 28/05/2025 13:39

Some people call it weird but I always go digging for info on friends new boyfriends (and my own when I was single!), mostly I found nothing but I did catch out pretty big lies from digging into someone's past social media accounts etc. I'm not one for posting anything on social media but good for her if she is making people aware of a potentially dangerous man

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