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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can't cope after husband left me

5 replies

TidyUser · 27/05/2025 21:38

Hi all. Please can someone give me some advice. My husband of one year left me 4 weeks ago and I am really struggling to cope. We had a tough marriage largely because he did not want to fully commit to me. For the first 2/3rd of our marriage and the two years that we were dating we were living apart from each other in different cities 1.5 hours away. We bought a house and he lived in it for 6 weeks but then suddenly stopped coming home saying thst he wanted to live with his mother. I feel totally bereft. I am still struggling because my mind has flashbacks to all the good times and even the simple times of the relationship like walks thst we'd done together. My brain is picturing all the scenes from our relationship and the roads and it's driving me mad because it's been 4 weeks now. Im still on and off crying every day and hes the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing at night. I dont feel emotionally able to get through the split or to face life without him. Does anyone have any advice as to how to get through this because I just cannot cope at the loss of my life partner the man I thought id grow old with and the man who promised to be at my side.

In addition I keep feeling this overwhelming fear of guilt for everything bad thst I did in the relationship. I just can't seem to move forward from it all and I feel like I let a good man go or because of my own issues I turned a good man into a horrible husband and I feel like karma or the universe or God is punishing me now and making me suffer for all the arguments I had with him. Please does anyone have advice as to what I can do to move forward?

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/05/2025 21:44

Hi there, you need to talk to a professional counsellor about this. I have definitely had some of those thoughts with my two major fiance breakups (one while pregnant!) but talking things through with a counsellor and good friends helped stop me spiraling.

You'll be ok. It will just hurt like hell and be scary for a good while.

I think in time you'll realize this man wasn't actually a good man to you after all, it was just that you were sold a dream. Listen to the drake song 'take care' the lyrics 'you hate the fact that you bought the dream and they sold you one' spoke to me at this time.

The world doenst revolve around this man although it feels like it does.

RedRock41 · 27/05/2025 22:02

Not sure what to say OP except be extra kind to yourself.
That said bit nuts as I have cans of tuna older than your overall relationship.
It’s far too soon to have this much drama imho.

SpryCat · 27/05/2025 22:21

You were in a LDR even though it wasn’t that far away, some people can only date from a distance because they cant Commit. They fall in love at a safe distance, yearn to live together but it all falls apart when they do finally get to live together.
In the 6 weeks you lived together, he would have been constantly in fight or flight mode, feeling like he was near a breakdown.
He shuts down with intimacy, he isn’t open to being vulnerable and will run soon after commitment. He will sabotage every relationship he ever has because he’s truly terrified.

SpryCat · 27/05/2025 22:54

LDR are exciting when you meet up and bittersweet when you part, you miss each other like crazy and meet up for another few days.
You both made plans for when you’d finally be together full time, spoke about the future and it felt great.
Except he can’t get truly close to anyone and commit, once things get real, he runs away.
He will look back and decide you two weren’t meant to be.
He will keep doing the LDR, tell himself, he can’t find anyone nearby and once it gets real, he will run.

TidyUser · 28/05/2025 18:18

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/05/2025 21:44

Hi there, you need to talk to a professional counsellor about this. I have definitely had some of those thoughts with my two major fiance breakups (one while pregnant!) but talking things through with a counsellor and good friends helped stop me spiraling.

You'll be ok. It will just hurt like hell and be scary for a good while.

I think in time you'll realize this man wasn't actually a good man to you after all, it was just that you were sold a dream. Listen to the drake song 'take care' the lyrics 'you hate the fact that you bought the dream and they sold you one' spoke to me at this time.

The world doenst revolve around this man although it feels like it does.

Thank you. I think im just absolutely terrified because I didnt ever expect to end up in this situation and can't belive that he has left me. He was everything to me for 3 years and it just hurts so much. I know timelines are different for everyone but how long did it take for you to stop loving someone after a break up or to stop thinking about them everyday because I feel at this rate I'll still be thinking of him daily in 3 years time or he will be in my thoughts intermittently for the rest of my life.

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