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Original poster

Help. Totally stuck

9 replies

Done41 · 27/05/2025 19:57

20+ year relationship, 2 kids (college and secondary age) joint own the house (mortgage)

Im poorly, health gone downhill a lot recently and im currently undergoing tests for cancer. Serious fatigue, and a lifelong condition, hence I’m currently not working.

Partner has been lying to me about things and I know he’s up to no good, it’s like he realised when my health went downhill I was reliant on him suddenly and has taken his chance to do what he likes. I want so badly to leave, it’s making me more ill, been trying to ignore it and just crack on, think of the kids, what in the hell would I do? How would I leave really?

We are good financially, kids are doing so well. Why do I feel like I’d be the guilty one?

For context, he’s always had a high sex drive, and we’ve always had a good sex life, no particular problems. I don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong, I feel like he’s got maybe a porn addiction. Given up speaking to him about anything as I just get denial and it switched round so somehow I’m the bad guy.

Theres no reasonable way to leave is there without destroying the kids financially and emotionally? I have zero family I could have help me to stay for a while or anything either.

If my tests come back clear I think I will maybe ask for house to be sold, split the money and move somewhere cheaper, get any old job? I would only have about 90k though. I’m just scared, think it’s worse as I’m so worried about my health too right now. house could take ages to sell though so that would be a nightmare time.

sorry for the rant I’m just exhausted, confused and don’t want to speak to anyone I actually know about this right now.

OP posts:
IWillJustSayThis · 27/05/2025 20:00

Bless you, I am sorry. It all sounds mentally exhausting and scary.

I think I would break it down - wait for the test results and then make decisions.

At the moment your head will be full, you'll naturally be contemplating the future but, I wouldn't take on too much. I think it could easily become overwhelming. Maybe make notes / lists of what you want the future to look like. X

Original poster
Done41 · 27/05/2025 20:24

IWillJustSayThis · 27/05/2025 20:00

Bless you, I am sorry. It all sounds mentally exhausting and scary.

I think I would break it down - wait for the test results and then make decisions.

At the moment your head will be full, you'll naturally be contemplating the future but, I wouldn't take on too much. I think it could easily become overwhelming. Maybe make notes / lists of what you want the future to look like. X

Thankyou, lists would probably be a helpful thing to get it all out on paper. I will do that. I just know I need to keep my head for now. Which is hard.
Also I really want to get proof of him lying and doing this stuff, but although I know (seen things on his phone etc) I know full well he will deny it and make me out to be mental. I just can’t believe it’s ended up like this, I tried so hard.

OP posts:
BarbaricYawp · 27/05/2025 20:38

I was you about 5 years ago, knew I was in a shitty relationship but couldn't see how to get out of it as things were so entangled financially, health was bad and I had come to see my main source of usefulness as meeting the kids' needs, which leaving seemed like it would be a betrayal of.

I came to see that the real problems were not the practical ones so much as my beliefs about what was possible. I spent a long time writing lists and blobby diagrams about who I thought I was and what I really wanted, and gradually became able to see that the things I thought were impossible were actually possible, and from there that they were viable, and eventually that they were inevitable and I just had to open my mouth and say so.

I finally separated 2.5 years ago and realised almost immediately that the unhappiness was what was driving my health problems too. It's been a long journey of self-reflection but I'm finally starting to recover and find happiness and equilibrium. My advice to you is to be brave. I think you are more likely to regret staying put. And I think at that age the kids will be just fine, possibly even relieved because they won't be oblivious to the dynamics between you.

I had no family support either but I did have friends. I also have a lifelong condition but it relapses and remits and state of mind was a bigger part of that than I appreciated. Your unhappiness is palpable. Please choose yourself.

Original poster
Done41 · 27/05/2025 20:54

BarbaricYawp · 27/05/2025 20:38

I was you about 5 years ago, knew I was in a shitty relationship but couldn't see how to get out of it as things were so entangled financially, health was bad and I had come to see my main source of usefulness as meeting the kids' needs, which leaving seemed like it would be a betrayal of.

I came to see that the real problems were not the practical ones so much as my beliefs about what was possible. I spent a long time writing lists and blobby diagrams about who I thought I was and what I really wanted, and gradually became able to see that the things I thought were impossible were actually possible, and from there that they were viable, and eventually that they were inevitable and I just had to open my mouth and say so.

I finally separated 2.5 years ago and realised almost immediately that the unhappiness was what was driving my health problems too. It's been a long journey of self-reflection but I'm finally starting to recover and find happiness and equilibrium. My advice to you is to be brave. I think you are more likely to regret staying put. And I think at that age the kids will be just fine, possibly even relieved because they won't be oblivious to the dynamics between you.

I had no family support either but I did have friends. I also have a lifelong condition but it relapses and remits and state of mind was a bigger part of that than I appreciated. Your unhappiness is palpable. Please choose yourself.

Thankyou. The sad thing is I know about my health being worse because of the stress and my emotional state. That’s why I tried to convince myself to carry on and just not care, but it’s still there, I do mind being lied to and made a fool of. so I know what I need to do.

Im going to start on those lists tomorrow and start getting things in order gradually. Sometimes I almost feel excited at the thought, of being ME, doing what I want, when I want and how I want! only really the kids that worry me and how they will feel.

i suppose like most things in life, the stuff worth having is often the hardest and scariest, but worth it

OP posts:
NamechangeJunebaby · 27/05/2025 22:39

It sounds like you’ve been through the wringer. It’s exhausting and hard to continue like this but, like PP said, one step at a time. And the first step is the test results which will hopefully be good news.

I also think when you’re faced with having a potentially life threatening illness it brings some clarity as to how your life is, and how you’d like it to be. Alone and happy can be better than in a relationship where you feel unvalued and unappreciated, and where there’s no respect (and fooling around is a massive disrespect to you).

I hope you get the news you want and then you can take it from there with getting legal advice so you know what you’d be entitled to. Even if you decide to stay it may be a comfort to help you solidify your thoughts.

If you see something on his phone try and get a snap on your own so you have a record and he can no longer lie about it.

Original poster
Done41 · 28/05/2025 18:21

NamechangeJunebaby · 27/05/2025 22:39

It sounds like you’ve been through the wringer. It’s exhausting and hard to continue like this but, like PP said, one step at a time. And the first step is the test results which will hopefully be good news.

I also think when you’re faced with having a potentially life threatening illness it brings some clarity as to how your life is, and how you’d like it to be. Alone and happy can be better than in a relationship where you feel unvalued and unappreciated, and where there’s no respect (and fooling around is a massive disrespect to you).

I hope you get the news you want and then you can take it from there with getting legal advice so you know what you’d be entitled to. Even if you decide to stay it may be a comfort to help you solidify your thoughts.

If you see something on his phone try and get a snap on your own so you have a record and he can no longer lie about it.

Thanks, yes I’m going to try and get some evidence, I know I’ll feel better as always get denial. Awaiting results and had a lovely day out today with a friend and my youngest. I’m getting in the frame of mind that I can do it. Going to keep seeing friends and just enjoy half term in the meantime avoiding him as much as possible!
Ive started enquiring about selling the house (we were thinking of selling up anyway so it won’t arouse any suspicion) I’m aiming to take my half of the money and go.
Im exhausted and feel rather alone as I haven’t said anything to anyone yet, I don’t need the extra pressure to do anything.

OP posts:
NamechangeJunebaby · 28/05/2025 20:22

Just a thought but will he be wondering about buying a new property with you? Or will you be able to tell him when the sale is agreed that you want to separate when completion occurs? Just something to prep for.

Il glad you’ve had a good day. Something positive and happy each day will keep your spirits up. Even if it’s free - a nice walk to the park or on the beach with a flask. Or popping for coffee and cake with a friend or your DC.

You’ve got this - you’re stronger than you know.

Original poster
Done41 · 29/05/2025 06:29

NamechangeJunebaby · 28/05/2025 20:22

Just a thought but will he be wondering about buying a new property with you? Or will you be able to tell him when the sale is agreed that you want to separate when completion occurs? Just something to prep for.

Il glad you’ve had a good day. Something positive and happy each day will keep your spirits up. Even if it’s free - a nice walk to the park or on the beach with a flask. Or popping for coffee and cake with a friend or your DC.

You’ve got this - you’re stronger than you know.

I’ll tell him but once it’s on the market I think. I’d like to get as far along with everything as possible, I was looking at houses I could afford last night, something I’ve asked him about in the past but he refuses change, I may actually get to live my little dream! On my own. but I’m actually really struggling to keep my mouth shut today. Started sleeping with his phone hidden, reckon it’s under his pillow but he’s left it on the bedside table for years…must think I’m stupid. Had a look at his ipad, there’s a hidden folder on there which I can’t get into as Face ID. Why are men such arseholes and always seem to do this shit when you’re most vulnerable?!
My thoughts are turning to revenge and destroying his stupid life but I wouldn’t do that as the kids love him, I’m so sad that they will one day realise their dad is a bloody wanker.

Oh well plan for today is a bit of diy to help the house sell. And attempting to keep my mouth shut and pretend all is well..

OP posts:
Original poster
Done41 · 29/05/2025 06:31

This thread is really helping me keep my strength and not lose the plot completely at the moment so Thankyou to everyone who’s posted. It’s very lonely at the moment.

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