Slow burn or non committal?

[brightandbeautiful89]

Hi everyone, I’m a first time poster but long time lurker and am looking for some advice.

im 36 and bf is 40, we’ve been together 5 months. Met on Match. Before the first date I made it clear that I was looking for something serious and he said he was too. Early on, he shared that he isn’t very confident in relationships as he has only had two, that he is cautious and he takes things slowly. Now I know him better I can see this is part of his personality eg he’s just bought a new bathroom and spent months doing research and finding a good deal.

. I appreciated his openness in relation to his past relationships.. He can talk about his feelings about family/work/friends but admits to struggling to talk about his romantic feelings although does respond when I initiate. He shows he cares via actions - quality time, being supportive it I’m upset about something, being affectionate etc.

we have taken things slowly and I can see slow progress - we see each other twice a week and the time when we see each other has increased, he says he cares about me, we have booked 5 days away in Edinburgh next week etc. he always makes time for me no matter what else is going on in his life, he is generous when it comes to paying for things, he is going to do the drive to Edinburgh because he knows I don’t like motorways etc but we haven’t integrated into each other’s worlds yet so in many ways it still feels like ‘dating’ rather than a relationship.

i am used to rushing into relationships and being love bombed so taking things so slowly has been very difficult, although probably healthier, for me.

i am starting to get impatient and I am wanting to know if he sees a future or not but as he is someone who is cautious he might not even know yet. I am torn - I really like him and am investing more and more as time goes on but I am also worried I might spend x more months with him and he will eventually say that he doesn’t see a future with me. This is making me anxious and I’m not sure what to do. I initiated a conversation about how we feel about each other a week ago and I don’t want to keep harping on about it in case I push him away. I am just finding it hard to sit in the uncertainty.

when would be reasonable to expect him to know if he sees a future?

when would be reasonable to expect him to know if he sees a future?

Bring it up in Edinburgh. Towards the end of the trip but not too close. Like day 3. Say something along the lines of 'soo, do you think we should maybe meet each others families when we get back then?'

See his reaction. If he's hesitant say 'so where do you think this is going then? I know I like you and I think you like me, so what's the need to wait? Worse case scenario we don't work out and nothings lost'. Tell him you feel it's time you guys properly went public as you know what you want.

I sat day 3 and Edinburgh so that nothing is left on a cliffhanger. Not at the beginning as the pressure will then be on if the conversation doesn't go well for the entire week. But not right at the end as if it doesn't go well then you'll be left on a cliffhanger and in doubt.

Also, meeting each others family and friends and spending lots of time together at 36 and 40 after 5 months isn't lovely bombing. Especially not if you want kids and marriage. I would've expected that at 3 months if I was your age. Not like you've got years and years. If you meet the family after a year you'll be 37! Then move in when? 38? 39? Marriage at 40? Praying for kids at 41?!!

Nah I'd be confronting the issue head on in Edinburgh and if we weren't on the same page I'd be ripping the plaster off and cutting loose. Then swiftly onto the next. If your not wanting to spend as much time as possible during the 'intense hormone induced honeymoon' phase then you never will.

I would suggest seeing how the trip goes and evaluating after the trip if you see a future with him. It sounds like you have some doubts already which are making you anxious. You should feel secure with your long term partner.

@Epilepsystruggleyes I was thinking about bringing it up in Edinburgh. All the other times I have been worried about asking about something eg being exclusive, being in an official relationship he has been open and receptive so I’m hoping this will be the case in Edinburgh. I am scared of ruining the trip though! And I know it will be on my mind the whole time I’m there. It’s easy to say that I should cut loose and get onto the next but there aren’t many quality men around this age out there - it took me ages to find him. Maybe I will just suggest meeting friends/family as opposed to having a big conversation about the future - as he is cautious he may not have made up his mind yet. What do you think?

@occhiazzurriI’m not sure if my doubts are founded or whether I’m overthinking. I am a very anxious person as it is. I was feeling ok about things and how they were going but my friend’s marriage has just unexpectedly ended and it seems to have sent me into a spiral of overthinking about my own relationship.

I would think that if you’re booking trips etc then you are heading the right way and it’s looking positive no?? Ime men don’t do things they don’t want to do. He would’ve let you go by now if he wasn’t keen. I would say I was surprised you’re not sure if it’s exclusive between the two of you - what would he say if you said ‘so XX has asked me out for a drink..’!!? I would think by now he’d be rather taken aback?!
i also think mentioning meeting family after Edinburgh is a good idea of how to broach the topic during the trip. You could use a particular event as a reason eg your birthday meal thought you’d invite his parents? And suss out his reaction… good luck!

Five months is way too short a time for seeing a future. I am not sure what answer would satisfy you either - he wouldn't say no. He would probably say that you are still getting to know each other. So you would be none the wiser.

It's unlikely that anyone would say yes they are up for a future after five months. And even if he says he sees a future, you still need to get to know each other and things might change - he might change his mind, or you may. It wouldn't be a real committment.

If he spent months researching a bathroom, then I doubt he’ll feel ready to commit to a future in under five years, OP. Because he doesn’t have a biological clock, assuming you want to have children, he can afford to pootle along at the speed or a tortoise.

I’d worry far less about his possible feelings than your own. Is the relationship with Mr Cautious working for you? Because to me you sound (understandably) impatient, and the truth is that if you only see him twice a week, one on one, there’s an awful lot still to discover, and ways in which you can’t even start to get to know him until you spend more time in his world. How people are with their friends (and family, but especially friends, the people you choose) is key for me.

See I would be expecting regular full weekends together e.g fri-sun by now. Staying at each others, having your favourite foods in at each others houses. Having a toothbrush and set of pyjamas at his etc.

At your ages there's no point in waiting. If your 25 then yeah you can spend 5 years seeing eachother once or twice a week with the odd weekend away. Slowly introducing eachother to people and getting to know eachother inside and out. But at 36/40?! Nope that luxury has gone unless you're not bothered about babies.

I know it's hard as the dating pool is smaller but no matter perfect a single man may be or how perfectly you're matched, if he doesn't want kids in the next 2-3 years then he's just as irrelevant as all the incompatible matches. So that's why id cut him loose.

@babyproblemsthank you, I think it’s going in the right direction and was feeling ok about it until my friend’s marriage ended. I think I will broach the topic of meeting friend and family and see what happens. When had the conversation about exclusivity I asked about it and he said he hadn’t wanted to be seeing anyone else since we met, and when i asked about being in an official relationship he assumed we already were so I’m hoping those are good signs.

@LoraPianoi tend to agree. The anxious part of me wants to lock things in asap but the rational part of me thinks that a year would be a decent amount of time to really know if we want to do life together. Out of interest if you think 5 months is too soon, when do you think is the right time?

@Arquebusehe did say he wants kids within the next 2 years due to his age. I think you are right about needing to spend time in each other’s worlds. I myself have been cautious about this up until now.

@Epilepsystrugglewell I have a life of my own so I wouldn’t want to spend the whole weekend with him because I also want to see friends one on one, have general downtime, do my food shopping etc. we have toothbrushes at each other’s etc. I know we can’t wait too long but equally ‘fools rush in’. It’s hard to find the balance. I have rushed in before and got it wrong.

Well, the trip together is a good sign. I think bring it up after the trip (not on the trip - could make things awkward). Just be clear about what you want. Mid-30s is the worst age for dating, IMO, assuming you want a baby. You really have to lay your cards on the table early - within the first few months - and swiftly cut your losses if you find out they’re not on the same page. It’s brutal so you have my sympathy. On a more positive note, 36 is still young, so don’t be disheartened if this doesn’t work out - plenty of time to meet someone more suitable.

@Crushed23thank you so much, mod 30/ is the worst! I did lay my cards on the table early - he knows I want kids and he said he wants them too, ideally within the next couple of years. But what people say and what people do can be two different things. What would you say after the trip? Introducing of friends and family or something more? I’m not ready for moving in together or anything like that but I would like more future talk

I didn’t want to derail your thread and make it about me 😂 but I am mid-30s and have just come back from my first holiday with the guy I’ve been dating for 4 months. It went well, we got along, and I fancy him even more now (he looks so good with a tan haha). We are going to have a serious chat about our relationship soon (we scheduled it for after our trip so it won’t be a surprise) and I’m honestly just going to be completely straight with him. “I’m 35, I like you, if things are still going well between us next year, I need some commitment/to be engaged, with a view to moving in together when you finish your Masters”.

Write down what you want to say and practise saying it, or read it out loud to him, if you have to. Clear communication is vital.

Your situation sounds more straightforward than mine for reasons I won’t go into, so be positive! Good luck 😊

@Crushed23dont worry about derailing the thread! I’m happy that things are going so well for you 😊 I suppose the difference with my situation is that my guy has said he takes things slowly and I’d like to respect that whilst also meeting my need for reassurance. It’s a tough balance. I like the idea of saying ‘if things are still going well next year’ as it’s not demanding anything right now. I really need to think about this. Maybe I will suggest meeting family/friends after Edinburgh and if that goes well have more of a serious conversation.

What is making you say that next year is the deadline? Please report back as to how the conversation goes when you have it - sounds very promising!

Yeah my timeline seems arbitrary but I actually don’t think I could commit to someone if I’ve known them less than a year. The cracks started to show in my last two relationships at the 1 year mark. So I want to wait, ideally 15-18 months, then take the next step.

I think you need to spell out your timeline when you speak to him, you can’t just say “I want this”, because he will probably agree and say he wants the same, but what he means is “I want the same…at some point”.

Update: had the conversation. He did visibly squirm, he is so uncomfortable with this stuff probably due to his lack of experience and emotional literacy, and my directness. I used @Crushed23s method and asked how he felt things were going, said I don’t need anything to change now but that I’d like to think about a future together if things are still going well at the year mark. He said his head is a mess a lot of the time due to his caring responsibilities but he is hopeful for a future together and that he thinks there is potential although he can’t promise me marriage etc right now (that’s not why I was asking for anyway!) What do we think about this? I thought it was positive as I’m not ready for anything to properly change now I just wanted to know we were both open to building something but a friend said it is the same as saying ‘see how it goes’ ie non committal and now I don’t know what to think! After the conversation, which he found difficult, he maintained communication and connection.

Well done on having the talk, and laying out your timeline. I like the “I don’t need anything to change right now” line (might steal it!) but I do think you were a bit soft with the “think about a future together”, as I think what you meant was “take the next step”, as opposed to contemplate the next step. You won’t know that he definitely sees a future with you without action because men future fake. He needs to know that something will have to change after a year and what that looks like for you (moving in together, getting engaged etc.). I wouldn’t force this discussion now, but the next time you have a serious chat about the relationship - and definitely don’t just park this for a year, keep checking in - talk about your hopes if this goes well.

I haven’t had the chat yet with my guy. I’m not nervous but reading my advice to you I think perhaps I should be. I have unwittingly discounted the idea that he might be future faking because he’s so sweet, but it could all be a ruse… !

@Crushed23thank you ❤️ tbh I’m not sure what I want things to look like after a year or what ‘the next step’ might look like, I just want to consider what that might be. I’m questioning everything now having been so vulnerable and I’m desperate to bring it up again for reassurance (hello anxious attachment) but I think what I need to do is take a step back and see how he behaves now going forward.

my guy is sweet too. As you say we won’t know until they take action and that is what is so scary. They might think they want a future now and change their minds when push comes to shove and that is what is so anxiety provoking.

what would make you feel reassured at this stage? I’m not sure I feel reassured as it’s only words. I suppose in terms of actions the fact that my guy is continuing to show up and hasn’t been scared off is a good thing but he could also just enjoy my company so it may not mean anything at all. Previously guys have told me I’m ’too much’ when having this conversation. He didn’t do that and was receptive which I know is the bare minimum but I am embarrassingly grateful for it

@Crushed23thank you ❤️ tbh I’m not sure what I want things to look like after a year or what ‘the next step’ might look like, I just want to consider what that might be. I’m questioning everything now having been so vulnerable and I’m desperate to bring it up again for reassurance (hello anxious attachment) but I think what I need to do is take a step back and see how he behaves now going forward.

my guy is sweet too. As you say we won’t know until they take action and that is what is so scary. They might think they want a future now and change their minds when push comes to shove and that is what is so anxiety provoking.

what would make you feel reassured at this stage? I’m not sure I feel reassured as it’s only words. I suppose in terms of actions the fact that my guy is continuing to show up and hasn’t been scared off is a good thing but he could also just enjoy my company so it may not mean anything at all. Previously guys have told me I’m ’too much’ when having this conversation. He didn’t do that and was receptive which I know is the bare minimum but I am embarrassingly grateful for it

@Crushed23any update on your conversation? ❤️