Mixed feelings, can’t seem to fix it

[LedKing]

Thought I had a handle on my feelings but the negativity and guilt has come back.

I’ve posted about it on here before and I’ve decided when I see some trusted friends in a couple weeks to talk with them about it, I think keeping it to myself all this time was a bad idea!

So my previous job which I left in Feb 24 I developed a big crush on my line manager who was 6 years younger than me and I’m in my early 40’s and my wife who im with is a few years older than me.

I never confessed my feelings to the girl at work and she did nothing to instigate anything and as I far as I’m concerned had no clue how I felt. I wouldn’t even say we an amazing connection but there was something about her, as she was very kind, easy to talk to, funny and looked very similar to my wife and had similar qualities. Anyway I left the company and probably texted her a handful of times but again nothing more than ‘hi, how are you? What have you been up to’ and 3 months after I left I bumped into her and we had a chat as friends but my feelings came back so I took the advice that people said on here that said I can’t be friends with her so afterwards I cut off contact (it was always me messaging, not her)

Then I’d say 3 months ago she messaged me saying everyone at work is meeting up and would be great if we all saw you so come along, stupidly I went thinking I’ll be fine but at the end of the night I was thinking about her again and felt ashamed but NOTHING happened and I kept feelings to myself. For weeks it was this feeling of guilt like I’d actually physically done something.

id say about a month ago I felt fine but then last week she just randomly popped in my head and I just feel awful about it. Last time I physically saw and spoke to this person she did things I found annoying and didn’t like and have tried to tell myself the person in my head is not real. My wife is, and a wonderful person and done nothing wrong.

I think the woman in question just reminds me of how my wife was when we first met 20 years ago, but the last couple years my wife just isn’t isn’t happy with herself and more stressed at work. I just don’t want to hurt over nothing and I feel I’ve let this drag on to long. Do I say anything or just tell my friends? I’m going to say look guys you can look at my phone I have nothing to hide

Leave the poor woman alone, delete her number and stop emotionally cheating on your wife.

If your wife got the last couple of years is not happy with herself and not happy with work then talk to her see what what you can do to help.
I'm sure you are different as well after 20 years together !
You have had a crush why on earth do you need to tell your friends ?

This woman fulfills a need. She stops you from examining your own life and relationship. She provides a fantasy escape.

You've admitted that you find her a bit irritating. People do this all the time. They eat, smoke, play games, gamble, have affairs, buy stuff, anything but deal with reality.

If you tell your wife you have been fantasising about another woman (because she reminds you of her twenty years ago), it will change her feelings about you forever. There will be no going back. You haven’t acted on those feelings so my advice is cut all contact with this woman and do not tell your wife. Certainly do not tell your friends. If you really need to talk about it, get a counsellor or therapist. However, it’s likely you would only use this to indulge yourself by continuing the fantasy that these feelings are real when they are not. You are getting a dopamine hit from thinking about a fantasy you have come up with in your head (not the real person) and this has been a substitute for fulfilment in your relationship with your wife.
You need to talk to your wife about the fact that you are not happy. Chances are she senses this and probably isn’t feeling fulfilled herself. Then you decide together whether you want to work on relationship and how you should go about it.
Why do you want to tell your friends? So you can indulge yourself by talking about more/ making it seem more real? Bear in mind that this is both unwise and selfish. I realise you no longer work together but it is inappropriate to talk about this woman with even a hint that this is a reciprocal thing when it’s not or to discuss her in a romantic/ sexual way at all. You were colleagues, and you sound like you are drawing dangerous close to crossing the line into what would be considered sexual harassment.
If you tell your friends, your wife may eventually find out from someone else. Think about how hurtful this would be for her. When this dies down (which it will sooner or later), and if things improve with your wife, you will be kicking yourself that you discussed it with others.

Grow up! Leave this woman alone, stop contact if you can’t regulate yourself and use the energy you use on ur attraction to someone else, on supporting your wife who is having a hard time!

Points taken

I’ll sit down with my wife properly soon and have a talk about us and try harder to help her. I need to hear some hard truths