Do I stay or do I go?

[newmummy34]

I have been with my husband for a very long time and we have relatively young children together (junior school). He is very controlling and I have no money of my own (I do have a job). How do I leave? He would not leave the house if I told him I want to separate or give up the children. I wouldn't get support from my parents as he doesn't beat me, they can see no reason why I shouldn't stay with him. He doesn't allow me to have friends or go out which I know is not the be all and end all but surely I should be able to have some life outside being a wife and mother?

Where do your wages go?

Go,go,go

You're missing so much staying with him

I don’t think it’s ’do I stay or do I go?’
If he’s controlling to the extent that you can’t have your own time, money, friends: it’s seriously unhealthy.
The question is ‘how?’
Try Women’s Aid for advice on financial practicalities.
Obviously you could set up a separate bank account and get your wages paid into it (you will need this anyway). It’s just what his reaction would be to you showing some backbone and independence.
If you’re still doubting whether to, I’ll throw in a cautionary tale about a woman (friend of a friend): stayed with husband for years - separate rooms, communication via kids or post it notes - quite ridiculous but they thought it was better for the kids. She was only prompted to actually divorce when teenage daughter said she would never marry because of what she thought marriage looked like. You don’t want your kids to grow up thinking this is normal.

See a lawyer.
You can usually get a free consultation.
Is the house jointly owned?

If you're happy to play the long game, then maximise your earnings. That could mean retraining, or upping your hours or responsibilities.

Can you talk to your parents to see if they would support you for a short time?

My wages go into a joint account, which are then promptly moved to where he seems they are needed. There is no way I can set up an account for them until I'm leaving.
Our house is jointly owned. He is a fair bit older than me so would probably struggle to get a new mortgage so will fight to stop the sale of 'our' house and will try and keep it

Absolutely leave, but you need specialist help for this. He is abusing you - financial abuse and coercive control. Contact women's aid for sure. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

This is financial abuse and coersive control, which is a crime. You need to speak to domestic abuse charities who can advise on how you can leave safely with your children.

Your parents' attitude sounds awful. Could you make a GP appointment where you can speak in confidence about what is going on and they can hopefully signpost you to the right organisations to help you.

You need some specialist help on ‘how’. Neither I nor anyone else here can give you that, it needs so much more detail about eg your financial positions to work out a realistic plan. And I’m guessing you probably don’t have full visibility of what his finances look like? It’s a shame your parents are not more understanding about the fact that this is an abusive and unnatural situation, their help could potentially make a real difference. But talk with women’s aid now. If they can’t help you completely they’ll point you to other organizations that can. I feel for you but other than say ‘it’s not right, not normal, it needs to change’ there’s little I can do to help.

Read this

https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/1up?view=theater

Speak to a domestic abuse charity.
Speak to your GP and get it logged on file.
Speak to your work and find out what their workplace policy is for supporting staff suffering domestic abuse.
See a lawyer. If he won’t sell the house, he will have to buy you out. If he can’t buy you out, he will have to sell the house. You are entitled to half the marital assets, half his pension and child maintenance.

Most importantly, do all of this in secret. Do not tell him or your parents anything you are planning. It’s imperative that you don’t say a word. Get the support you need in place to plan and execute your exit plan with the children. Once you are out you need to keep the children off school for a day or two and call them to let them know what’s happening. They will be able to support the children whilst you navigate this.

He’s not your friend. He’s your abuser. He will never change. They never do. You cannot change him. Contact some old friends and make plans to go out. What do you think he would do if you went out for a coffee with a friend? Because that’s perfectly normal and you’re entitled to do that as a human being with rights. You’re not his possession. You don’t answer to him. You’re not a child. He’s not your boss. You say he doesn’t hit you but maybe that’s because he hasn’t had to. If you disobeyed him, he might.

Your parents are an absolute disgrace. They are his flying monkeys and I would never speak to them again if I was you.

What would happen if you withheld some of your wages?

If I tried to keep some wages, he'd start raging. He'll claim all the money coming in is needed to pay bills. He'll alternate between screaming and shouting at me to cold shouldering me. He'll be horrible to the children. He knows that's the best way to keep me 'in line' . He's either horrible to the children (scream at them til they cry) or say horrible things about me to them (Mummy would rather be out that at home with you).

Don't do anything different but contact a domestic abuse organisation. Your local one will be on your council website, you can chat to Refuge or contact the National Domestic Abuse helpline which is available 24/7. Alternatively tell your GP.

You need a risk assessment because he could escalate if you leave. Don't tell him you want to leave.

Gingerbread can give you information on benefits as well as other advice, Turn2Us can also give advice on benefits.

Well done for recognising you are worth more than this and need to leave. For the benefit of yourself and your children. You should not have to put up with this shit and deserve to be free.

Seconded to read the Lundy pdf and to contact Womens Aid. WA will also be able to signpost you to your local domestic abuse charity to get practical help and advice to leave as well as emotional support/courses to help you rebuild when you're ready.

Wishing you all the best. You're stronger than you know and you've got this 🥰

Oh 😥
He is your abuser.
How often are you paid. I was paid monthly so I organised that I would leave on the day that my salary was paid into my new account as that would be the day he would find out. That gave me a month to organise something. I also booked a couple of week soff work for the two weeks after so that he wouldn’t find me at work or on the way.
You have to go. You can go. You will go. You need to live.

Bless you OP. I think the best thing to do is contact women’s aid who can advise you on the best way to leave. There is certainly more to life than not being able to leave your home / have friends. Soon you’ll be free to live your life as you please. Stay strong.

OP if you are in England or Wales a great resource is David Terry’s Divorce Forum. DT is a retired pragmatic divorce solicitor and will give you an indication (free) as to how things might pan out if you give him basic details.
Length of marriage (+any living together time); respective actual (or) potential earnings; ages of kids; pension value; house value; assets v liabilities etc. You may be able for example to stay in the home until DC are older. DT emphasises every scenario different and also that figures and specifics are everything.
terry.uk/phorum/list.php?2

You have to go. You can go. You will go. You need to live.

Second this. It’s not if, it’s when, how. Do you parents really know how he is and think it’s okay?

When my parents are about, most of the time he's charm personified. He books nice things for my birthday,does odd jobs for them and my Grandma etc so they can't/don't see why I NEED anything else. My Dad is forever telling me I should be grateful he's still interested. I told my Mother about an occasion at a service station when he was ripping into me and a stranger intervened and asked if I was okay and that I really need to leave him. She said 'But he's so nice, surely he's allowed to have a bad day once in a while, we're all only human'

Your parents are his flying monkeys. They care more about what they get from him than they do about you. I’m sorry but it’s the truth. Stop talking to them about it. They are not going to help you. They sound abusive. It’s no wonder you ended up with an abusive husband with parents like them. They are self interested. Get in touch with women’s aid asap. You need to make plans to leave. Strangers do not intervene unless it’s really bad. Get help before this gets worse and he starts physically harming you. You are in danger and so are your children.