I’m struggling with what feels like a fresh wave of grief and family loss. My mum died suddenly when I was 31 and she was my anchor. I’m now 46 and the pain has returned as sharply as it was the day she died.
My parents divorced when I was young. My brother was mostly away at boarding school and we never became close. My dad now has advancing Alzheimer’s. His wife controls every aspect of his life and has made it clear I’m not welcome. Communication ended in December after years of tension that left my brother and I drained.
Last year my sister-in-law called my mum self-centred. I stood up for Mum and it turned into a row. Since then my brother has backed his wife and says he’s “done with family stuff”. I’ve asked him a few times to meet for dinner and draw a line under things, but he’ll only see me if I promise never to mention any of it again. The dismissive tone hurts, especially when I haven’t even raised the past with him this year.
I went on antidepressants in January because I felt as if I was falling apart. Recently the dose has gone up, but the grief still feels physical—heavy sobs, tight chest, tension headaches. It’s like losing Mum all over again, except now it feels as though I’ve lost the rest of my family too.
I’m desperate to stay in my two nieces’ lives, yet every contact with their parents is fraught. I’m trying not to push, but I don’t want the girls to grow up without knowing me.
I’d value any advice or shared experiences from people who have navigated family estrangement and overwhelming grief at the same time. How did you protect your mental health and keep hold of the relationships that mattered?