Online dating...is he pulling away?

[Heidi5764]

I met a guy 5 weeks ago, he's been away on holiday for the last 2 weeks and about to meet him tomorrow. It's super early days and we've had around 7 dates now. I have not had the best history with guys, players, love-bombers etc. I've had counselling etc and lots of self development to overcome some past wounds.

This guy has been chasing me for a little while, I say 'chasing' in the sense that I'm not game-playing, but I am just very cautious and privy to lovebombing, so I've taken a while to respond to his messages, not always being available etc.

When he was away on holiday he asked me to keep my diary free and open for him when he gets home, so I've kept one day free (Life is busy as a single parent, doing a degree and managing job). Now we've both arranged to meet tomorrow he's gone quiet and doesn't seem very responsive on messages - which is completely different to how he normally acts.

Also, he created an instagram account when he was away and asked me to add him, so I had a little nosey and he had a couple of friends on there. Now in the last couple of days I've noticed he has started following so many women. I get that he can as we're both single - but just cries out sleazy behaviour. His WhatsApp pic has gone from professional photo to him with no top on - again, absolutely fine, but just looks like a cry for attention.

On our last date - a few women approached me and complimented me on outfit I was wearing, when I got back from the toilet he was with a guy at the bar and when the guy went he said 'this guy has just come upto me and said I'm such a handsome bastard' - it felt very competitive and a really odd thing to say.

He also messaged me when away saying not to be giving anyone the treatment that he gets - going out for drinks in bars - that we've been doing, but then he sent me a video when he was away - he was at a concert dancing with all the women he works with (overseas work holiday).

On our dates he appears to be really into me, doesn't keep his eyes off me etc, he's said I make him feel really calm and relaxed when I'm around. We've only slept together once - so I'm knocking that 'he only wants to sleep with me vibe' on the head.

He's made quite a few grand gestures - the most recent one being an overnight spa break next weekend. When I'm with him I have the best time, but now the confusion has started to creep in.

I think either

1.) I've not really shown him as much interest as he shows me so now he's stopped chasing or

2.) He's pulling away because he's dating others, or is a love bomber and had no true intentions anyway.

I need help reading this guy as I'm not the best at picking decent guys!

You yourself have said you have not shown him much interest and have deliberately kept him at a distance. You also say that you feel he is too competitive with you and is way too up himself.

The question surely should be Do you even like him? If not, he’s done you a favour pulling away.

@Thecrownprincepog Thanks for your reply. I've shown him lots of interest when we've had dates, and I do genuinely like him and find him really interesting and enjoy being around him - in that aspect I feel comfortable around him and I feel the energy and that all being mutual.

But, I've just noticed the change in his communication and tone and I'm not sure how to read it.

There’s a lot of red flags in you OP imo. The biggest one being the very early grand gestures which does smack of love bombing .

7 dates is not very many by which to judge someone.
Showing interest face to face, and not so much when apart could be seen as blowing hot and cold, or push pull behaviour.
I get that it was coming from a place of self preservation for you, but the impact on him I would imagine would be anything but calming and relaxing over time.
You have shown at least one red flag yourself.

You’ve been for 7 dates and you’ve slept together - but you think of you as both being single, and ok to chase others ?
Nope, not for me, I don’t get it.
It does sound like there’s already 3 in this relationship though: You, him and his ego.
The need for approval makes him sound like a twat. And the spa break ‘big gesture’ to show what a great generous guy he is. I’ve got the ick already. If you haven’t got there yet, just be prepared to constantly massage his ego and show him how grateful you are to be with him……

@Bittenonce I don't think of us ok to chase others but there's not been any conversations around exclusivity - and rightly so as it does feel early! Yeah I agree on the ego but I think it's a huge insecurity thing on his behalf.

I think him suddenly following other women on sm is a red flag, either to get you jealous or because he’s still keeping his opinions open, not a good sign after 7 dates, think I’d hold back on the spa break that’s more of a couple thing to do and so far you aren’t getting that vibe.

I don't like the sound him. Some odd behaviours.

I understand you being cautious as I'm the exact same due to previous lovebombers but I really think you need to get away from him.

I can just see what's he's doing already and it's you who will suffer. I'm sorry he's a bad one unfortunately

Huge insecurity is a big red flag to me. If he is that insecure. Insecurity leads to controlling behaviour, isolating you because he doesn’t trust you or others. It can lead to various abuses. Beware of insecure men.

@Kat888 Yeah I agree - although because he has not long left a very long term relationship (his only relationship) I have been putting it down to inexperience with new people. But you're right. I shouldn't be overlooking red flags this early.

should I pull away myself now or give him another chance tomorrow in person to see what the vibe is like ?

I wouldn't overthink it. Enjoy your date and see what happens. Equally, there is no problem in taking it slowly and getting to know him better before making any kind of commitment.