I grew up in an abusive family where the majority of abuse was directed at me but it was dysfunctional for everyone really. I have experienced trauma for that and had therapy and, after many years, had finally got myself into a place where I could function. I'm now early 50s. The abuse actively continued until I cut contact around 15 years ago. And I have spent those years healing and doing significant work on myself.
I'm qualified to Masters level, have a first class degree and work in a demanding professional career but have always done so but on short term contracts rather than developing my career because I just didn't feel I was worthy or good enough and needed to feel that both my employer and I had a 'get out' clause.
I've been at my current workplace for 4 years. I've loved it there. This is the first place that I feel I have been able to really develop my practice in a way that I wanted to and the only place I've felt personally valued in my whole life. It's enabled me to see myself differently. The spoken ethos aligns with my personal values and I feel that I have really 'blossomed' there. It's a profession that demands a lot of you physically, mentally, emotionally, personally and professionally.
My feedback is nothing but positive and I'm often told what I bring to the team. And I know I've been respected, valued and have made measurably positive contributions.
Around the same time I started this job, I began a new relationship after being single for many years and, for the first time ever, I felt like my life was falling into place.
Not perfect. I still worked hard daily to silence the negative inner voice but the encouragement I've had from work and the support of my partner had started to help me see that I do have value.
I don't want to give details because it would be recognisable if anyone from work read it but a few weeks ago I was completely thrown under the bus by my boss. I was utterly blindsided by it and it's been devastating and humiliating and caused me to question myself on a really fundamental level.
My line manager has been very supportive to me and made her feelings clear to him.
But I feel so incredibly undervalued and worthless.
The problem now that it has just decimated any confidence I had in myself. I just feel like a shell. It's affecting my relationship with my partner because I just feel empty and devoid of any emotion. I just feel like I've shut down (presumably to protect myself) and I don't even feel like I'm in here anymore.
I've spoken with my partner at length about the situation at work and how it's made me feel but I don't think he imagines the depth of damage it's caused. I don't even know how to tell him or begin to explain it. I'm not sure I understand it myself. I feel I've just 'stopped'.
I can't help feeling utterly worthless. I find my mind wandering to it. I'm questioning myself at work, feeling anxious and am second guessing and over explaining myself. I know I can't stay there and I've given myself until Christmas to find something else.
I can't separate how I've been left feeling about this and how I see/feel about myself generally. I've become withdrawn, small and avoidant and just feel I've worked so hard on finding, seeing and accepting my own worth only to have it destroyed and feeling like im screaming into the void. I've become mistrustful. I know my colleagues and line manager value me and speak well of me but it doesn't change what has happened.
If anyone has any kind words or advice on how to get my head into a better place, I'd really appreciate it.