Advice

[ThoughtTornado]

About 12 years ago I met my now best friend who is female 38 and I'm a male 43. For about 8 years we were more friends of friends type thing.. The last 2 years we started hanging out together alone and a lot. We literally consider each other best friends. She would literally come to my house and sleep in my bed three nights a week innocently. We spend every holiday together every birthday every special occasion . She had just gotten out of a relationship that ended badly . One night we both drank a lot and one thing led to another and we started having sex. A couple of minutes into the sex she jumped up and ran out the door and said this was a mistake. We both agreed to not let that happen again and we went back to being good friends. Well a few months later the same thing happened again only this time she didn't leave until after sex was over but then still said the same thing that it was a mistake. Again we just continued to be good friends. This has happened three or four times in the last 8 months. Well, needless to say Im in love with her now. I express my feelings to her and she says that she's still in love with the guy that broke her heart 8 months ago and that she can't be with me because she has such strong feelings for him. So we went back to just hanging out as friends and she continued to sleep in my bed and we continued to spend holidays and birthdays and everything together. Her kids absolutely love me her whole family wants us to be together but she continues to tell me she just wants to be friends. A week ago I sent her a text on her way to work and said hey just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and I hope you have a good day at work. She responded by telling me I wish you wouldn't think about me so much. I was like wow okay a few hours later she messaged me and told me I can't be what you want me to be and I'm going to meet and have sex with my ex. I was pretty pissed for numerous reasons. But mainly because he treated her like shit and he currently has a new girlfriend and he just wants to use her for sex. But also because I almost felt like she was cheating on me. At that point I said to myself this is unhealthy go be with him but I don't want to be a part of your life anymore. She texted me later that night and said I'm so sorry I never went to see him please don't shut me out I feel terrible. She said I do have feelings for you and I've been fighting those feelings because I have feelings for him too. She said I want to try with you. She said can I please come and stay the night with you so naturally I said yes. We didn't really talk about anything we just hung out like normal. She slept over that night and left early in the morning. A couple days later we talked and I said I really can't handle just being your friend it's like torture being around you and I really want to be in a real relationship with you. She said I'm sorry I have feelings for you but I just don't know if I can ever be that for you. She said why can't we just continue seeing each other like we've been and not label anything. I explained to her that it was torture having her around half the week and not actually being with her. So today I told her I think it's best if we stop seeing and talking to each other that it's not healthy for me to continue. I don't spend any of my free time with anyone but her ever. I've turned down multiple women because all I wanted was her. I'm pretty sure I know what I need to do and that's to cut her out of my life but I was wondering if anyone else had any advice. She's extremely sad about all of this and so am I.

You need to knock this on the head. She doesn't want a relationship with you but she likes the attention and feeling of having a boyfriend.

Yeah that's pretty much what I was thinking.

You made the right decision, she likes you as a comfort blanket but won't commit to you.

Sorry you are being messed around like this. Your friend isn't your friend and she doesn't want a relationship with you but probably likes not feeling lonely when she's in your bed or having your attention.

It's a shame but there's no future for you two by the sounds of it as partners or friends. I'd can this one completely and start dating again, you sound ready for a proper relationship where as your "friend" doesn't. Don't let her pull on your feelings by stringing you along, it has to be a hard no, not doing this anymore, not seeing her or anything. You will only be messed about otherwise and no one deserves that, you can both find happiness elsewhere.

You're her ego boost when the other guy messes her around.
Run far and fast.

To be honest that's how we became so close to begin with. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship when we started hanging out and then a year later she got out of her relationship. We both found comfort and companionship and it filled the loneliness void. But as I told her lines were crossed that can't be undone. She thinks we should just continue on as is and let what happens happen whether it's us together or just friends. I told her I can't go backwards I can't just be her friend. I'm never going to be in a relationship with anybody as long as she's around. And that's for multiple reasons. Number one because of my feelings for her and number two because she's always at my house. No female will ever understand our friendship and be accepting of it. I mean for Christ's sakes she leaves bras and tampons in my house. She has shoes and clothing here.

Ugh not good Pack it all up and send it off with her, sounds like your friend has become too comfortable but doesn't want to commit.

And you are right you'll never be fully present for a woman who you deserve to love and be loved by while this sort of FWB situation carrys on, even if the new woman is OK with you having such a close friend, pretty rare to get a partner like that. I'd walk straight out if I found bras and tampons in his home.

It's a much too used phrase but you will have to rip the plaster off and get rid ASAP before this gets worse.

I pretty much knew exactly the responses I was going to get. Honestly I was hoping it was some way of salvaging this. It's too bad she really is a good person and by no means do I think she's intentionally using me. We talked a little earlier today and she really doesn't want to stop talking to me but agreed to come get her belongings tomorrow and leave me alone if that's what I truly want. That's not what I truly want but I think that's what I truly need.

You knew the responses you'd get because that's the only thing you can do to keep yourself from being even more hurt than you are. It's the only sensible option that allows both of you to find happiness it to stop this situation from happening and yes you can't really be friends now, the genii is out of the bottle.

I don't think your friend is a bad person but she's not at the same life stage as you and when life stages are mismatched they almost never truely align.

You really are doing the right thing, you know you are.

You're right. It just sucks even more because I don't really have any friends and the only family I have is my father and my daughter. It's like I'm going to have to start a whole new life. Make new friends and meet new women which is very difficult in your forties.

So suppose I cut ties with her and weeks go by or months and then she reaches out to me and says she's ready. Do I say no? I don't know that I'll have the willpower to say no.

Who's looking after her children while she's spending all her time with you? Also, even good friends don't really share beds if they can help it (I think I've shared a bed with a friend once in my life, and that was to save money on a hotel room). That only happens in TV land or male fantasy land, so whatever you've labelled it, sorry, you're in a relationship, but she wants to keep her options open.

Pack up her stuff and send her packing. I'm sure her children would enjoy spending some time with her.

As I mentioned, her children love me. She has three girls 14 16 and 18. Their father has never really been in their life. He's a drug addict. A lot of the times they come over with her and we do dinner or watch movies. We have cookouts, we go on road trips. And then when it starts getting late she will bring them home and come back. They literally live one mile away from me. She's honestly never been treated right in any relationship she's ever been in. And I think that has a lot to do with it.

Like you said, I felt like we basically were in a relationship only without the constant physical aspect of it. As a matter of fact I kept telling her we're basically already in a relationship the only thing we're missing is the commitment and the physicality more frequently. She responded by saying yes, that's what makes us just friends.

It's hard to meet men when you are in your 50s so I hear you loud and clear on that one.

Do you need to change your friendship group or have you spent so much time together everyone else fell by the wayside? It's up to you what you do, just be very aware that you've been here before. With time and distance you will view this relationship for what it always was not for what you hope it would be.

I've spent nights in bed purely platonically with men and women friends loads of times. I've never had an issue there.

A little bit of the reason is because I spend all my time with her but another reason is because most of my old friends are married and their kids are older. I have a 10-year-old. Everyone seems to do couples things and I'm always the odd man. Pretty much between the woman I'm speaking about and my father they occupy all of my free time. My father is 69 but he's more like my best friend. If her or my father aren't around I'm basically sitting home alone.

Oh yes then you do need more people in your life. It will stop things like this happening again. I know it gets harder to find friends but it's not impossible

Stick to your guns. She’s been using you and keeping you on the hook. Even if she changes her mind, you shouldn’t be with (or friends with) someone who treats people like this.

UPDATE:
So she did come that day and removed all of her belongings, however she never left. We hung out all night and she stayed the night. We did not have sex however. Since then I've been telling her we need to call it quits. But she keeps telling me she doesn't want to. She came over this Friday and we finally had a real full-blown discussion about everything. I told her I can no longer be her support blanket and I think I need to move on as much as I care about her. She said that she's not going to let that happen and that she does have strong feelings for me but she's just not ready for a commitment yet. I told her well then this can't work. Needless to say she stayed over that night and we had sex. I guess I just don't have the willpower to actually cut things off with her so I told her if she wanted to continue on the way we were that there's a possibility that I will be dating all the meanwhile carrying on with her. I told her if I ever get serious with any of the women I decide to date that she will have to take the backseat and potentially no seed at all because I want a serious relationship and if she won't give it to me and someone else will then I have no choice but to cut her off. Not sure how that's going to go but I'm going to find out soon. I've been texting back and forth with a woman that's interested in me and I've been interested in for quite some time. I've basically been just giving her the I'm always busy excuse for months now. But now I'm ready to actually pursue things with her. God I'm such an idiot. More updates to come I'm sure...

Oh dear, you are the fallback guy. It's really not fair on any new women for you to be in this situation.. you really need to be stronger. She doesn't want you

Yeah the problem is is any women I date are going to be the fallback for me.