How to turn my lack of success around...

[Seldomseen20]

Not really sure if this is best here or in the sex topic as it crosses over into both...

I've been single for over 2 years since the breakdown of my marriage due to infidelity (his part not mine). It was a poor marriage on a lot of points with a very poor physical relationship. Pre split he was my only physical experience.
I've been putting myself out there both with OLD and in real life and seem to come across older men who are smutty, explicit and direct as they are looking to enjoy a casual relationship with someone younger, or younger men who seem to think I'm going to impart some form of sexual knowledge on them. I feel i fit into neither and would be a disappointment to both.

I'm genuinely looking for a mid to long term relationship but am also terrified as although I've slept with a few people post split, they've ghosted me 1 or 2 dates later so it has made me feel I must be awful in bed. I also seem to be an awful judge of character with all the people who I invest effort in only for them to disappear.

I feel like the 38 year old virgin, who is yet to be properly loved or experience true physical enjoyment, yet people expect me to know what I am doing.
I don't really know what response I am hoping for other than sharing that I feel so alone. Maybe others have felt the same but no longer do, either because they found a compatible match or now love being alone. I'm a social type so have found the last 2 years really hard.

OP, the point of my post about a 12 year gap in long term relationships was that I absolutely wasn't a hermit! I was having lots of fun, some of it as a celibate, some of it in shorter term relationships, often just with friends. Sometimes I knew from early on a relationship wasn't going anywhere but as long as I was treated respectfully I could enjoy it whilst it lasted. But I was very picky, hence the celibacy! Im not saying it was all plain sailing and that I didn't long for a deeper connection at times but I certainly avoided being objectified by men. Perhaps you need to spend some time on your own building your self esteem and confidence before venturing back into dating? Maybe some counselling would help?

PS when I say 'just with friends' I don't mean FWB. I mean, literally, friends - so I suppose, technically, that is covered by the previously mentioned celibacy!

Thanks @Yoonimum and I didn't mean to say you were a hermit, more that I probably would be.
I try and do quite a bit with friends, but mostly just coffees, meals together etc. Many have children 100% time or work shifts, have partners or like to go off and do things that cost. I don't have the finances to move into that lifestyle sadly so spend time with them when I can, but they can never the void of the physical contact that I miss.
I've been through counselling before prior to the breakdown of my marriage and it's definitely given me the ability to have a massive boost in my own self worth above what it was. On a day to day basis I'd consider myself an awesome person, which I think is why it makes you wonder how that isn't translating. There must be something and I guess my lack of sexual experience becomes the easiest conclusion, alongside my trusting nature which clearly means I invest in people who don't care.

@Aceh2 ill have a look into that and see if it can help me just take the whole dating scene for what it is.

Really appreciate all the positive comments and ideas. I guess when you get shot down a lot you start to think there might be some merit in it that you just can't see. I'd never compromise my morals and am always glad that I'm where I am instead of still married to someone who was unfaithful so I'm definitely on the right path. Just think I thought that over 2½ years on I'd have at least dated someone for a few months.

This might be unnecessary advice so if it is, please don’t take offence, I don’t mean to be mansplaining, but:
Be careful talking about your relative lack of experience. It will be a massive turn on for many, and depending on the man will either mean he wants to look after you really well - or make him feel he can treat you like a piece of meat.
Likewise lack of self confidence- the worst of men are often the best at sniffing this out and manipulating.
I’m not saying this to put you off - just to withhold your trust until it’s earned.

Agreed.

Great advice, 💯

@Bittenonce thanks. I've been through phases of being very conscious of withholding that information and phases of being quite open about it. Mostly to see if has made a difference to how I connect, but it hasn't.
I haven't actually met anyone I've been open with, chatted to a few, but the only dates I've had were when I didn't really discuss my experience.
Whether that's because I've sensed they weren't honest so didn't push to meet or they just want to chat and actually have no interest I don't know.
But I'll definitely take that on board.

@Bittenonce can I just mention that i keep reading your username as "bitter nonce" 🙃 😅sorry..... as you were.

@SantasLargerHelper thanks so much for that!

Me too 🤣🤣🤣

Be proative and arrange a f2f date (coffee or a quick drink only) as early on as possible to deter the time wasters/ ones who only want to chat online! It also screens out the ones you definitely don't want to see again!

Don't worry about whether they like you or if you are what they are looking for etc...

Are they what you want is all that you should be considering. You can't make someone interested who isn't but you can chose who you let into your life. Don't date him because he acts interested in you... date him again only if you are interested in him!

And so do you. What a lovely supportive reply.

You are all being so lovely ♥️

@AltitudeCheck im getting better at trying to arrange stuff early on. Usually it's me asking. I think you get told so much that if they are interested then they will want to arrange something with you so it feeds into that narrative that you created for yourself. Aware I sound totally negative, it's a wave thing. Some days I feel like I'm bossing it all. Other times I feel like I'm bottom of the pile.

@Seldomseen20 OLD is hard and you need a really thick skin not to take someone's laziness/ disinterest/ poor social skills / game playing to heart and for it to start wearing you down. You sound lovely (unfortunately assholes can spot that a mile off!)

I think once you've made contact on an app it's good to be proactive setting up an initial meeting to see if they are a serious contender. After a good f2f meeting, say you had a nice time, would like to go a second date... and then leave it to them to show some initiative. If they haven't got in touch after a week or two I'd cross them off the list and move on, they lack either interest, time, communication skills or manners and so aren't worth bothering with x

I've got a friend who is super sexy and what she would profess as amazing in bed (her and her ex were very sexually charged). Even she gets treated crappily on OLD with men using her then fading her out. So its not sexual experience. I think i read here ages ago that men have sex first, then think later. So sounds more like you have sex with them then they think rationally and realise you aren't for them just generally.

I'm older than you @Seldomseen20 and I was similar in hoping I'd be dating after a crappy relationship. I was smart, funny, attractive and a decent person yet OLD eroded my confidence - dates which went nowhere or short lived relationships with men which never went anywhere. For me, once I gave up on things/hope, and effectively dated myself, then I felt happier. I did then end up dating someone but it didn't work out yet i was far happier in myself.

I think all you can do is hold onto that self esteem and be yourself.