Talking to other men

[Mummy289]

I have been with my partner for 22 years (since 16). He is great, his not bosy, I have to organise everything 😂, really hands on with the kids, he never goes out to be with friends etc, he doesn’t want to. He does stuff around the house a real hard working man.
However there is one thing.
he hates me talking to other men, even when we were at college, if I boy spoke to me it was just to get in my knickers. Managers at work if they did something to say thanks again he would be sarcastic about it. The last 10 years I have not worked, I tend to get on with men better. But now it’s got to the stage I have no friends, none.
I started playing online games, where I have met other people but don’t call or private message. Until last week where I met a widowed man (a lot older) and very religious (he can’t marry a divorcee. Now I just realised I don’t know what’s allowed to be talked about. Sometimes he does some banter (about sex) nothing terrible n just banter. Is this cheating if I chat back to it? My hubby is really angry and cold as I told him I’m talking to this man. So he joins every time we play and takes the mic out of him (not to him but to me). There are kids on this game too and one (with a boy name) said how I was really good at the game and he again was sarcastic and like oh another lover (not knowing he was a kid). I have realised recently I have no confidence. I think nothing good about myself. Now I’m starting to think is this why. When ever a man has said something nice even professional his turned it round. His very nice to me. And helpful. But I feel so trapped. Is this cheating talking to this man with some banter maybe sometimes flirty but it’s never bad as his so religious. I feel like I’m cheating because I’m happy to talk with him. He does say nice things about me (like my personality) but I would say maybe it was him just trying to get in my knickers. But he can’t could he just be being nice. Should I feel this way. Is it wrong. This man just makes me laugh. (He lives the other side of the world). I have no one. I should just stick to women I suppose but I struggle more with women.

He's controlling. No one has a right to tell you who you can and can't talk to as you're an adult and make your own choices.

What would happen if you told your husband to butt out?

He will just give me the quite treatment and bring him up constantly until I give up as not worth the hassle.
I feel really messed up tonight. This has happened before I just give up and stop talking. It’s almost like I’m having an affair. I feel so sad at the minute.

He just acts like every man wants to sleep with me. 🫣. Which isn’t the case. It’s weird as his not controlling in any other way. But no way could I meet up with a real life man.

Giving you the silent treatment is emotional abuse. He's bullying you to get what he wants.

You might find this helpful
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

He's very controlling and has managed to completely isolate you. He bullies you to get what he wants.

Why don’t you work or have friends? He has isolated you from real life

So that’s not his fault we have 3 kids with autism n socially keeping up or going out is hard. I couldn’t just free text a man without being watch n made to feel guilt. With the kids I’m always up the school or apt so gave work up

Well it works for him to have a wife who does everything and knows her place. Up to you whether that works for you!

It sounds as though this outlet of gaming is one of the few things you have for yourself so don’t let him bully you out of it and also don’t let this sleazy old gamer chat about sex with you. Just shut them both down. Find your confidence.

Thank you. I really think you’re right prob about both. But my hubby will just come on and n it feels his taking over that one thing for me then make me feel bad.

He does sound controlling with past events.

However as a separate issue it also doesn't sound great to flirt with men online you meet through gaming and I don't think many people would like their partners doing that?

don’t let this sleazy old gamer chat about sex with you. Just shut them both down. Find your confidence.

See, this is a thing that's happened because of your husband's extreme possessiveness. He behaves as if every man who speaks to you is trying to get sex with you. You've lived with this craziness for a long time, and your opportunities to exchange normal, everyday chat with people have shrunk to nearly nothing.

Consequently, you can't spot a man who is being sexually inappropriate. Once you've learned to hear "What lovely weather! That's a nice summer dress for today" like it was sexual innuendo and a come-on, how the hell are you supposed to tell the difference between that and sleazy banter?

Do you know the story of the boy who cried wolf? It's a bit like that. You might want to talk about this with your husband, I don't know whether that would be advisable or safe in your situation.

But, yes, the 'religious' old gamer is a sleaze so tell him to keep his thoughts on the game and mind his manners. Also tell your husband to butt out of your one and only leisure activity. Good luck!

Thank you. I’m really glad I posted it here. I honestly feel a bit broken like I don’t even know who I am or whether people are taking me for a ride 😭🫣. I’m going to clear that up today.

Tbh I wasn’t, the other person was and I did keep asking them to stop. However I think inside I liked someone saying nice things I know this isn’t right; but someone being nice that is not my hubby and when his not around thinking maybe people do think I’m nice 🫣, for me. (No pictures more emotional talking and not flirting more was life and feelings). Which I know isn’t much better.
it was only when this kid was really sweet and said how good I was at the game was a penny dropped to how my husband turned. I’m really unconfident at the moment like my head is loud of all the stuff I do wrong n not good enough. And I realised this comment right there added to it. It was like a wow moment.

He is messing with your head, making you believe that men only have a dirty interest in you. That is not the case; maybe some men do, but you now can't discern which ones with your own gut because your husband has clouded your judgement by gaslighting you during all these years.
I'm really sorry you're going through this 🙏

Just be aware that having low confidence and feeling unappreciated by your partner can make you very vulnerable to the advances of others - as shown here, and will make your bar very low for what is a "good man" speaking from experience

Thank you, I really appreciate this as I think you’re right. Just feel emotional about it.

He’s controlling AF. I bet he’s abusive in other ways too, but you’re so conditioned to it you can’t see it.

Awful man.

He's not acting like every man wants to sleep with you. He's acting like he thinks you would let them.

This man is extremely abusive and is controlling every aspect of your life. You have no confidence and think nothing good about yourself. Well, no wonder really, because that is how you have been brainwashed into feeling. He doesn't want a confident, assertive wife, does he?

When was the last time you went on an evening out without him?

Honestly, you partner has loads to be worried about. If your not happy then leave this relationship, your cheating on him emotionally

??