Couple's Therapy. Is it worth it ?

[ChrissyFrances]

I'm wanting to try couple's therapy to iron out some issues before we get married next year.

Nothing too serious but with a 1 year old, it's a different relationship now & I want to go into marriage with a spring in my step than being sensory overloaded.

I'm looking for online therapy.

Any suggestions?

What are the issues that need to be ironed out?

Not so sure about online therapy. I've got in person couples therapy starting soon. I sincerely hope it helps give us the tools we need.

I've had individual therapy before and was a big sceptic going in. My work organised it following an accident. It did work very well for that.

I think it depends entirely on what the issues are. While, according to a friend of mine who is a sought-after couples therapist who also runs training for therapists who want to train in couples’ work, says there are people who do come in early in relationships, and she thinks it’s a good idea, I think that it’s concerning that they can’t be addressed one on one in a relationship where you are planning to marry.

Id be cautious, too, about expecting the process to give you a ‘spring in your step’. It’s challenging stuff, and can reveal deep-seated differences, too.

Seems sensible if you have relationship issues with the father of your DC and are planning further legal/financial ties.

It’s expensive for someone well qualified, which seems important, plus you’ll need childcare, since even with online counselling it wouldn’t be good to have a baby/toddler around, distracting and inappropriate.

Agree with @SlightlyFurther that it’s very unlikely to lead to a ‘spring in your step’, in the short term. Depending, for example, on your and DP’s reactions to discussing and trying to resolve difficult things.

I had a traumatic birth & with putting on weight I'm not as interested in intimacy, love cuddles and we are very affectionate with each other & he never ever puts pressure on me for anything other than what I can give but obviously long term it's not the best for him.

I also have sensory overload since baby with work and dogs and my partner is old school man in his approach . He adores the bones off me, treats me like a princess but not very good at talking his emotions so I thought it might be good for him as well to have the tools to tell me when I'm being a brat. He is amazing at observing everything and everyone but closes up when he needs to talk about his emotions. He doesn't and I feel with being overwhelmed sometimes I am. My son is such a good baby, so happy & mostly sleeps 7-7 so feel a bit guilty getting overwhelmed also.

We live remotely & he has 2 jobs and I have a full time job (evenings mostly) with baby in mornings early afternoons so getting away to have therapy is impossible so I thought online might be a better avenue.

Maybe the therapy should be for me but I don't think it would harm him being able to be more communicative in dealing with me.

Oh my I feel this was a right trauma dump x

It sounds like you have your baby and dogs all day and work most evenings, which is a lot.

If time and finance is restricted I'd advise your partner has individual therapy first. Ideally both of you would. It sounds like he needs the most help in acquiring skills to actually be able to communicate and reflect before couples therapy would actually be of any use to you both.

Have you seen how his parents and family handle conflict? This will give you insight in how he has been modelled relationships and communication. What do they expect of men/fathers?

I wish I had observed my inlaws more before I married. My husband has done therapy and is very skilled now thankfully.

Is your partner willing to go to couples therapy OP? Can he see some potential benefit? It needs some commitment from both sides.
Whether you decide on individual or couples therapy, your best bet is to have a look through the profiles of a good number of therapists until you find someone whose fees you can afford who looks like a good match for you. Some will offer a free online or phone meeting before you commit in order to see if you get on.
It's a great idea to do this work before getting married, since you have some niggles.

My in laws are really nice and are great grandparents but they are old school too. Don't show emotion & they don't hug my partner but are kind to him and show their love in other ways. He doesn't hug his siblings either. I'm a hugger with my family so if I don't see them in a while I give them a hug but now with his other than Christmas and New Year I wont. I just say hello if it's been a long time of not seeing them. His parents expect you to work hard and just be ok. Men don't talk about feelings bla bla bla , they don't believe in mental health or it annoys them.
My partner isn't like that though. He really is one of the nicest people you could ever meet but there's definitely an emotion block which definitely stems from childhood.

He would be willing to go to therapy if I wanted to.

I think maybe me dipping my toe in 1st and seeing how I fair then maybe introduce him to it.

Op if it was up to your partner would he not suggest therapy at all? Is he happy with the status quo in a if its not broken(in his eyes) don't fix it?

Individual therapy for both of you alongside would be good so he can practice talking about his feelings and you feel supported. I often feel like the best therapists are quietly working away with a small online profile.

my friends did couple therapy after a few years of marriage.
It was really helpful and worked well for them.
I think it helped to have a third person who just reflected back what was said and asked how they felt about what the other person said. In other words not rocket science but a safe space.

But I know others who have gone and it basically confirmed for them that the relationship was over. It helped them to do that in a less painful and messy way though.