I'm 31 and my sex life is non existent

[Formerwinelover]

My partner (31) and I (31) have been together for 14 years now.
We had a baby last year, we bought a house and started renovations...
Everything is changing expect us. There's no intimacy, no passion, no communication. Hell the last year alone we had sex 3 times. And 2 of those I felt like crying afterwards. I feel alone all the time. I never thought to feel this lonely at this age. I'm a very sexual person, but he was always more reserved in that sence and I could maybe try to accommodate him. But I'm tired of this. I feel like I'm wasting my life. I'm always the default person. I'm afraid to be a single mom. I don't know what else to do. I don't know when it's time to say enough

Have you spoken to him about this? You are far too young to be in a sexless marriage

I did yes multiple times, and most of those times he says his low self-esteem impacts his libido. But I think it is more than that. But I'm afraid of approaching the subject. When we do have sex he takes forever to come. I mean I started to wonder if maybe I'm the one doing something wrong. I've never been with another man.

Why did you feel like crying after sex?

If it’s a new issue in the relationship then I would think it can be resolved.

We have had patches of less sex, particularly when the kids were small but it has gradually built up.

I would talk to him but be really open about the impact this is having on you. Not issuing ultimatum but how you genuinely feel about this and what you would like to happen.

Because it feels like a task. I'm very vocal in what I like, and I tell him. And honestly after 14 years I get frustrated when he still expects me to guide him every step. I want to know what feels like like to be taken care off. I don't know how to explain it.

You've both been through a hell of a lot in a short time.

Is he on antidepressants? They play havoc with orgasm.

When we do have sex he takes forever to come. I mean I started to wonder if maybe I'm the one doing something wrong.

Have you heard of 'death grip'? It's the result of a lot of masturbation and a focus on porn. There are many women feeling somehow to blame when it's actually down to this.

What if this is not a new issue at all?
The year I got pregnant (2023) was the year we were more active. But it was a real effort on my part. Meaning I was the one initiating most of the time. And then I got pregnant (very difficult pregnancy) so I just stopped trying. And since then nothing

I heard of it and straight out asked him what kind of porn he watches and how frequently. To be fair we live together so I don't know when or where he does it. And he just deflects I guess

No anti depressants or medication. He did opened up recently about feeling unmotivated with life on general

That sounds very frustrating. He should know your body very well after 14 years. There are things you can do such as see a sex therapist or check out the OMGYes website.

Thank you, I'm definitely checking it out.

Sorry to disappoint but death grip is not real. It is not recognised my any mainstream medical bodies and is an internet myth created by sex columnist Dan Savage.

However, he may still prefer porn to real sex, although most healthy heterosexual men that aren’t on antidepressants would generally want both , regularly.

My guess is he is either bored , is having sex elsewhere or most likely, gay.

I asked... If he was gay I mean. I asked. He said no. He wasn't mad denying it, just said no. But yup I asked like 3 years ago.

It sounds like he's always just had a much lower sex drive and you were never going to be happy. Why on earth did you tie yourself to him by having a baby with him?

That is nonsense and the lived experience of many thousands of men and women says otherwise.

Porn causing sexual problems is sadly very real and widespread.

If he has put on weight or is just not body confident could you go on a health kick together? It might make him feel better about himself and improve your sex life.

It’s not going to get better. You need to decide if you want to stay or go.

Thanks Nicole, I was looking for judgment.

I think you're right. And if I'm honest that's something I think about a lot, but it is hard. The unknown is hard.

I suggested that. And we did start going on trails every weekend (with a lot of effort on my part) meaning, I am the one looking for places, thinking about the time we'll leave, the baby's food and so on. He doesn't seem interested. And there are fights almost every time. BUT he does say he wants to be healthier.

There’s nothing wrong with you wanting the man to take charge and show you a thing or two!
I wouldn’t want to have to show a man every time, that’s not right!!
you are definitely missing out I’m afraid x

Could have written the exact same post op.