My relationships don't last - how much do you need to have in common?

[audreyhep]

I'm in my early thirties and my ex partner recently left after a few years because he'd fallen out of love with me and said we didn't have much in common. He was an IT/tech guy while I'm a musician with my own business. He loved video games which I played with him sometimes. We had commonalities and loved hiking together, art shows, concerts - I was so surprised to hear this wasn't enough after the time invested. I was so happy.

When I met him, I'd been single for six years after my previous ex cheated on me. Funnily enough, we were also quite different (he was sporty) and he left me for another sporty woman, though it didn't last...I was already getting a complex.

With men similar to me, I've found we clash or they get competitive. So I actively enjoy being with men who share my values but who are a bit different.

I have my own business, great friends and family, my own home.

But now I'm thinking - is this it for me? I look at women my own age with young families and think - maybe that's not going to be my path. I already miss the companionship and sex of being with my ex partner. And for me, finding that connection is so rare.

It would be fairly ludicrous for me to give relationship advice (divorced, widowed, stuff). I think sometimes stuff just happens- people are going through their own things, and it turns out you're headed in different directions even though you crossed over the same path. Also sometimes people meet someone else and it's nothing to do with you or the relationship.

For me, therapy meant I'm in a different kind of relationship, much freeer of what I thought was right for me in the past. I wish I could say what the difference is, and I wish I could have got there without paying £160 a month for four years. But it was worth it for me.

When I met DH 20 years ago we didn’t have much in common - we just clicked though . You find joint interests over the years and accommodate each others interests , and if you have children your lives change beyond recognition anyway - some of your interests go out the window .

Im sorry you find yourself here again - but I would say that you probably have the right approach . Give yourself time and space to recover . Much better to find yourself a good man . Teams work best when people have different skill sets and ultimately a team is what a marriage and family is

I wouldn't say my husband and I have loads in common. We do have fundamental shared values though, and share a sense of humour. I think those two aspects are crucial. Very different interests though day to day.

With all of my adult relationships we’ve had a good amount in common but also a fair amount of differences. Which is important so you’re not too similar. Time apart and different interests are inportant.
You’re still very young (much younger than I am) so you have time to find someone with the important commonalities - shared values, and the same goals/life plans. If you can both put effort in, prioritise each other and communicate as well as compromise you can be happy. But there’s no guarantee in relationships. You both have to want the same things and work at it. Don’t write yourself off yet, there’s time to meet someone wonderful.

Thanks everyone. @Boredofchange I felt like me and ex partner just 'clicked' like you say, so to hear he no longer felt that click was rough. We might have got into a rut but he didn't give us a chance to address it...

I suppose I'm worried because twice I've been with men who are a bit different to me; seem happy with that, but then change their minds later on. I'm just happy with shared values and one or two shared interests - because after all, you can introduce each other to the rest can't you?

I think people say anything when they want to move on. Not having much in common is just something you say. It sounds like you had a fair bit in common.

What I mean is - I doubt there is anything wrong with you that means you are less likely to have a happy relationship in the future. I don't think there's a specific reason you had two relationships fail. That happens. It's pretty normal for lots of people to have a couple of LTRs that don't last. At least you weren't already married with DC before you found out.

Just be very nice to yourself, nurse your wounds, raise the bar (every time I got chucked, I raised the bar: nicer, wealthier, cleverer, more attentive man) and assume you have as much luck as anyone else. You sound fun and creative and engaged with life.

DH and I have a lot in common and a lot not at all in common.

He's a football-loving, atheist introvert who hates anything to do with water or heights or intrepid travel.

I'm a football-hating Christian extrovert who adores wild swimming, kayaking, mountain hikes.

But we both love art, theatre, have very eclectic taste in music and similar taste in comedy. So we do that stuff together. We have similar – not identical – political and moral opinions so we chat about current affairs and issues too.