Stay or go?

[Sancerresdemise]

I’m in the midst of a possible separation whereby me and OH are taking a few days apart. I’m driving myself mad going between wanting to make a go of things or just moving on. This is my first major relationship since my divorce and we have been together 4 years or so. I have 2 kids, 11 and 14, they have none. Lived together a couple of years. Basically it all felt amazing from the beginning but there were always also cracks. Mainly down to arguing styles. I hate being shouted at or things getting really heated and they are completely the opposite. There have been a fair few times they have pretty much screamed in my face and called me all the names of the day. Arguments nearly always also go on for ages. So something which should really be quite simple to overcome can turn into a day or more of atmosphere, silence etc. we have actually done a lot of work on all of this but it seems to almost always revert to old patterning. Issues around the kids too in terms of them not always agreeing with my parenting and me then always feeling in the middle and can’t do anything right and on edge. Just feels like a lot of negativity where there doesn’t need to be. There are so many good bits though. It has always felt like we have a soul connection and can be completely ourselves. We enjoy the same things mostly and can talk forever about things that interest us and also have the best laughs. I’m at a real crossroads here where I don’t know what to do. Keep going and hope our issues around communication can eventually get to more of a middle ground, or just accept that the relationship is actually quite damaging and make the break?

What you have described is not just a difference in "arguing styles." Your partner is verbally abusive, and if this behavior is occurring in front of children, you are both modeling that your behaviors as both normal and acceptable. Is that what you want to teach your children . . . that it is normal and acceptable for your partner to yell at you, call you names, and carry a grudge for days on end . . . while you just "take it?"

I always advocate for communicating, setting boundaries, and giving people a chance to change, but given this has been a pattern for 4 years without change, it is time to think about the damage being caused to your own children and how this will affect them with their future relationships into adult-hood.

Fucking run for the hills! Screaming in your face, creating atmosphere and telling you how to parent when they aren’t one themselves. Get rid. I suggest the freedom program before you attempt a relationship again. Massive red flags. I hope your children haven’t witnessed any of this abuse.

It sounds horrendous, why would you want to go back to that? From what you’ve said here, it certainly doesn’t sound as though the good times are worth the abuse. Nobody should be screaming at you. Find someone nicer.

I know, it sounds awful when I read it. But they have definitely tried to change that aspect, the issue is it’s been very difficult I suppose to break the pattern. There have been some changes for sure but it’s still under the surface. also to say, I know I’m not perfect either! I suppose I just feel like I shut down a bit now when something comes up that I know will just go on and on and on. I just feel drained. It’s never in front of the kids btw. That would be an instant deal breaker. It’s just really hard as there are so many good aspects to the relationship but I feel like I’m at a point where I’m maybe sacrificing too much of myself if that makes sense. We don’t fight all the time or anything and the really bad arguments have not happened in the last year or so but I’m worried the damage has already been done to where I’m emotionally shutting down. I really want this one to work but I also don’t want to compromise myself so much that I lose myself.

So your partner is able to control their temper and not scream & shout at you in front of your dc. That means that they are fully in control of their anger and are choosing to scream and shout in your face. They are being abusive towards you on purpose.

By the way, this abuse does not have to be 'in front' of the kids for it to affect them. They will definitely pick up on the atmosphere between you and your partner.

You are on edge, and walking on eggshells all the time, waiting for the next outburst to come. Sorry, but I think you should call it a day.