Planning to leave

[Changingplace]

I know for a fact ‘D’H is cheating and full of shit, unfortunately right now I don’t have a permanent work contract and my (considerable) ££ are tied up in the house, so although I’m planning on divorcing him I need to get myself sorted first.

I’m hoping this week I’ll either have a permanent role confirmed or at least an extension until the end of the year, and that would give me enough leeway to get the house sold and be financially stable.

No kids involved, he’s been a massive twat for years, I should’ve left years ago but we were supposed to be adopting, and it kept a glimmer of hope in me he’d change and it’d all work out.

Because I’m now planning ahead he’ll have no bloody clue I’m doing this, I’m undecided whether to plan to go and stay with a friend right after I confront him or just go and then message him to say I’ve gone.

The house is 50% mine, always split all bills in half, if I leave am I putting that at risk? I’m happy to continue paying my half until it’s sold - I could tell him to leave but I don’t know if he would, and at least if I plan it I’m in control.

Staying in control feels very important right now, I’ve got a decent amount of evidence, I could confront him this second but it wouldn’t get me anywhere without knowing I’ve got security with my job.

I know it's a Bank Holiday Monday, and you have a semblance of plan in place - but tomorrow morning, if you haven't already, get in touch with a solicitor.

They can offer advice and tell you what you you need to well and truly get your ducks in a row.

Also, if your workplace offers a free counselling/therapy service (lots of places offer it), I know - just to help you navigate this time.

I am really sorry you are going through this, but I have everything crossed for positive news on the job front, and a brighter future for you.

I don’t know how old you are or your history, but it sounds like times have been very tough for you. I’m glad you’ve realised the next step you need to take and are trying to get everything in place. Adoption can still be done on your own (if you would want that). It’s better to be in a shit scenario and happy and not being taken for a fool than the opposite way round.

The fact that you can’t sit him down and tell him you’re leaving him shows how bad he must be and his tendencies to be a prick.

Is there any way you could stop the payments leaving your bank account so that you’re not paying half anymore? I would get in touch with your bank and ask about that.

The fact you’re worried about being in control also goes to show how he is in the relationship.

I would say to wait to hear back from your job. In the meantime inquire about the mortgage payments. And when you hear that you’ll still be staying in your job, RUN!!!

go to a friends or maybe parents house, or maybe a mother figures house. And either leave all the evidence with a note on the table waiting for him for when he gets in. Or just text him it and when he sees the message block him and never turn back.

I really wish you all the best with the split, your job and healing within your self. Please make sure to take care of yourself and maybe try and have your post divorce glow up 😂

Is there any way you could stop the payments leaving your bank account so that you’re not paying half anymore? I would get in touch with your bank and ask about that.

I don’t want to default on the mortgage though, I just want the house sold and to move on. If I stop paying half I think he’ll struggle to pay it and I just want the house sold, equity split and to move on.

Thank you, a friend recommended me a divorce solicitor a while ago, I just never followed it up at the time, so I’ll do that tomorrow.

Yes I think work do offer counselling, that’s a really good shout I’ll look tomorrow too, thank you.

This is exactly the kind of sensible advice I need, thank you.

Hand hold @Changingplace I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Amazing you have the power to get up and move on. He doesn't deserve you hanging around.

As pp have said, contact a solicitor, take the free counselling, also make sure you are keeping your strength up. Eat and rest when you can.

As for him, he doesn't deserve an explanation. I would text or email him after you are gone, let him know you know exactly who he is and what he's been doing and leave it at that. He doesn't deserve an ounce of your energy.

Don’t stop paying anything - if you have defaults on your credit file it’ll cause you issues. I’d be inclined to try and stay in the house so you know he’s not causing damage or obstructing the sale when it comes to it - though I appreciate that’s a v difficult situation to live in (I did it a long time ago and at times it was unpleasant - only you will know if that’s a possibility).

Like PPs have said - take legal advice, even if it’s just one appointment. If it can stay as amicable as possible you’ll keep the legal costs down, but sometimes an ex partner can do a 180 and turn from unreasonable cheating dick head to an utter obnoxious twat because they’ve been caught out and confronted, so just be careful.

It sounds like you’ve thought things through and it’s good to be organised and prepared.

If you leave and pay half the bills what incentive is there for him ever to sell to release your share? Don’t offer to do anything until you get independent legal advice. DT forum (doesn’t negate own advice) can be helpful too: terry.uk/phorum/list.php?2