Domestic abuse helpline advice

[aPathologicalPeoplePleaser]

Hi, I am in an awful relationship. I am coming to realise there has been years of verbal abuse and low level psychological abuse, along with frequent sexual coercion and not taking no for an answer.

I called police out 5 years ago after he became really threatening and I ran out of the house in the night as I was scared. They attended but he had completely changed and was so charming and polite to them. They did not really take it seriously and I felt like I was wasting their time, particularly as they asked if had drank any alcohol (I answered honestly- I had had one drink at home, was not intoxicated). They asked me a list of questions and I answered that I often felt threatened or worried, they said someone one would contact me by phone to discuss domestic abuse but no one ever contacted me.

More recently since I’ve stated voicing my unhappiness to him and not backing down to sex, he’s got more physical (punching my legs and pushing me out of bed onto the floor- nothing serious or causing real injuries).
He’s never actually really hurt me, he acts like nothings happened and tells me it’s all my head. I know it’s not, but he’s successful and is so nice to other people I struggle to know what’s right. I mean, I KNOW this relationship is not good, but he makes me feel like it’s my fault.

I almost wish he did just punch me in the face because at least that’s some real proof to myself and other people that things are not right.

i am trying to build up the courage to get some help. I have spoken to women’s aid online chat and they have said to call the local service. I am just finding it so difficult to make the call, I’m just rubbish on the phone, what should I say?
What will happen?
Will I be able to go and see someone face to face to talk things through as I’m so confused about everything?
What if they think I’m overreacting?
What if I am?!

Sorry this post is long, I suppose I’m just hoping someone can talk me through what to say and what will happen when I make the call. Thanks

God reading this back I feel like such a loser.
Like if all this has been going on why wouldn’t I have just left by now?

Of course you're not overreacting. This voice of doubt in your head is him, not you. You know what he's done.

I have no advice re: the advice line etc but just wanted to say please get out, he's escalating and could really hurt you.

I'm sure there will be better qualified people along in the minute with proper advice.

Just dial the number. They will guide you through it.

You've called Womens Aid?

I would start sorting out your online security quickly. If you use social media, please think about coming off it for a while or ensuring you have a new account/ anonymous.

You can use a search engine called duck duck go instead of Google. It's anonymous. Hopefully he has no access to your finances.

You will grow in strength and happiness away from him but it needs planning. Women's Aid will help.

Hello.
I’m so sorry you’ve been living with this. It’s absolutely not your fault and it’s a positive thing that you’ve already made one call.

In terms of what to say when you call your local DA service, you could use what you’ve written here as a guide.
They will likely ask about the history of your relationship and some questions to establish your immediate safety.
They will most likely do a DASH risk assessment which will ask questions about frequency of abuse, types of abuse, the first incident and the most recent. This will give a score which may result in a referral to MARAC which is a multi agency risk assessment - different agencies working together to decide what actions are required to keep you safe.

It might be helpful to think about what you want to happen - would you like to be moved to a safe place, or would you like other support to leave your relationship?

Face to face appointments would depend on where you are as each service will do things differently.

If you feel it would be easier to speak to someone face to face initially you could see your GP who should be able to make a referral on your behalf.

I work in a DA service so happy to answer any more questions if it can.

I contacted women’s aid via online chat, they were very nice and reassuring but couldn’t offer advice for individual situations and suggested I call the local helpline number.
I don’t feel at risk of physical harm and I don’t want to go to a refuge or anything like that.
I absolutely do not want to involve police, I can’t see how it would help and I am not wanting to give statements or get him arrested or anything. I don’t care about him punished
I just don’t want to live this life anymore.

It’s great you posted here. Your H is horribly abusive. It’s becoming recognised that emotional and psychological abuse can be as devastating as physical abuse and you’re experiencing both.

Do you have a private place from which you can talk? That’s the first step. Try and be somewhere private without distractions. You can tell them what you’ve begun to post here (to maintain anonymity - don’t go into too much detail here). Your words can be evidence once they’re put in a statement. The fact that you called the police also constitutes evidence.

It’s common for abusers to present a very respectable public face. People who are experienced in dealing with abusers can recognise this. Please don’t let it stop you reaching out for support.

Remember you’re a victim of crime, living at the crime scene with the perpetrator. Your home - where you should be safest - is a place of threat and danger. Your partner - who should love and protect you - is a source of danger. Every step you take towards safety is important.

I was in the exact same situation as you with a 5 year old to this man. He married me at 16 when he was 21!!!

Let me just say to you it only gets worse, I don’t mean the way he acts, I mean your mental health. If you don’t get away you’re going to feel suicidal and worthless even though you’re most definitely not.

Whether you have to escape without him knowing just to get out without feeling scared then you have to get it done. I wouldn’t call the police just yet. I would report him after you’ve left.

When I left after seven years he was on a manhunt for me and locked me in the house two days prior to leaving. If I was you I would consider moving to a different city and telling the council there that you’ve had to flee domestic abuse.

say you’ve chosen that city because he doesn’t know the city and won’t be able to find you to try take you back. It’s what I did now I’m in a new city, got my own house, new family etc.

please take care and don’t let him know anything you’re planning.