Husband secretly using porn and strip chats

[madcow1209]

Thanks for viewing my thread. I have no one I can ask about this in my friendship group or my family so hence I’m asking this community. My DH of 18 years ( together 20) and father of my our 2 DD( (17 and 13) is secretive about his internet use and I know he uses a private browser with a hidden vpn. This made me wonder why. So I looked at his search history when he went out and found that he spends hours looking at porn, strip chats, chaturbate etc. I have spent a week anguishing over this and have also spent the week looking up what these sites are , how they work… also looked on here, quora and Reddit to see how others have dealt with this…. I now know lots of men look at a lot of porn but I am just not comfortable with this and to me chat strips etc are a step too far completely. These girls are not much older than our daughter!! I am 53 and he is the same age and now I think he can’t possibly find me attractive and the thought of having sex with him now makes me feel sick as he’s actually into humiliation and spanking !! He’s not mentioned that to me in all these years. My mind has gone to some dark places this week thinking is he visiting sex workers? Is he paying for these strip chats? Part of me thinks if I tell him I know about this my marriage is over for good so do I talk to him about this or bury it under the carpet? Please help

This must be so difficult for you. How is the rest of your relationship? Do you feel you could discuss what you have found with him and ask WTF is going on?

The fact you feel having sex with him would make you feel sick could indicate it's gone to far for you. Do you want to stay with him?

I’ve spoken to him this afternoon and told him everything i know. He has not denied anything and says he has a problem and will get help. I still am terribly upset and atm can’t see past this

This is all he has to say for himself?

I would be asking for space until he works out how he can make this right.

Please don't go down the road of "he can't possibly find me attractive" ... this is just one of the ways that porn undermine/destroys decent human relationships. It is nothing to do with you or real life women. You neither have to look any different nor do anything different ... you are you. Hold your head up high.
Ask him if he would like your DD involved in that "industry." To him the women involved are not like his DD ... they are commodities.
I understand that you might find it hard to continue a relationship with a man who thinks like this.
Do not let him just let it drop and think he can gloss it over.
I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with this unsavoury situation.

Thank you. That was very encouraging x

Hi Op. I was wondering how you are getting on? I am in a similar situation here and am absolutely distraught. Dh must just not be the person I thought he was. I have limited information on what exactly he has been doing but the websites really don’t look good. I did try to ask him about it and he glossed it over as “something all men do” which was so unhelpful. he knows how much I don’t like internet porn and the effort I have made to keep our teenagers away from it. He hasn’t even said sorry and that he will stop

It depends what he's doing and how it's effecting your relationship.

I wouldn't put up with interactive porn such as cam girls. I wouldn't put up with chatting to other women in order to masturbate. They're crossing a line into cheating.

If watching porn is interfering with your sex life eg he'd rather watch porn or wants you to enact porn I'd consider that a big problem and would need to reconsider the relationship.

You need to have an open discussion and work out how to move forward.

Id be looking to see if he's meeting sex workers. Look out from r sites let me adult work. You have my sympathy. This is so awful but sadly not rare

There are loads of online sources where you can go for advice in relation to porn. My interest in porn started spiking because there was no communication indoors. We just didn't chat in the end. So l ended it. The marriage not the porn! I don't objectify or demean women. I love women. But if you want to keep your hubby shouting at him and bawling him out regarding accessing porn is not the way to go about it. You just need to start talking to each other again.

mine said the same

Hi just an update. The relationship hasnt improved but he swears his porn use is in the past . However, last night I was in his pc to do something else entirely and I looked at his search history. There it was again… the porn the cam girls……this is from a man who says he can’t sleep with me as he has ED !!!! Frankly I just want out now but feel I can’t do that to my dd on the eve of her A levels

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. If your husband has a true porn addiction, he probably won't be able to deal with it without some kind of help. A huge problem is that they feel entitled to get their rocks off however they want, "all men do it", and turn it into a you problem. Even with outside help, he won't make any progress unless he actually wants to do it for himself, not just to make you happy or save the marriage.

The ED is certainly down to his porn use, it rewires brains to relate to images rather than people and the death grip means even if he can get it up, he probably won't be able to sustain it or finish with you. If he isn't willing to get help off his own back, there's not much you can do. The sad thing is that even if he does get the help, you will never look at him in the same way.

It's time to get your ducks in a row. You don't have to say anything to anyone at the moment. Wait until your daughter is through with her exams if you need to. For your own peace of mind, don't wait for him to change because unless he really wants to, he won't. He will just hide it better.

When are the A-levels finished? You probably need some time anyway to get your ducks in a row: make sure you have a clear picture of finances etc. before you split up.

Spend a while getting legal advice about your financial situation etc. Concentrate on supporting your DD through her A-levels, then use the legal info gleaned to make progress on parting from your OH.

There is no easy time to do this as far as your DD is concerned. Is she planning on going to uni if her grades are as needed? She needs to know clearly where her home base will be after she leaves home so the housing situation is the most important thing to have sorted so that she will feel secure.

Good ;uck with all this.

@madcow1209 are your ducks in a row for it to be over ?
He is disgusting . That fact it’s so close to your dd age would have made me leave the first time . Live chats or whatever they are I class as cheating. He is a lying cheater he just doesn’t want to admit to it as it will ruin his comfy home life .

Make plans while the exams are in place and end this you deserve better.
Tell him it’s over and you know it keep quite as you don’t have sex so he be none the wiser .

Thank you everyone that’s really helped me

Hello op so sorry you're going through this. Just thought I'd leave some resources for you.
Love after porn on reddit is a great community
Podcasts - helping couples heal, choose to be
Pbse, from harm to healing

Check out
Omar minwhalla secret sexual basement

If he does want to get help I'd really reccomend Chris jones therapy.

Wishing you the best op