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Original poster

Has anyone successfully brought a dominant-submissive dynamic into a long term relationship?

18 replies

yorkbabi · 25/05/2025 20:48

Has anyone successfully brought a dominant-submissive dynamic into a long term relationship?

I have been with my partner for many years we are both in our 30s. We have intimacy issues where we really feel like roommates more than a couple. I am the one not participating much when he tries to initiate and I feel disconnected from him, I just feel like I cannot desire him if I don't feel a connection. I was about to give up on the whole relationship because I am tired of being so unfulfilled, and I feel guilty about not taking care of him sexually, but then I had an idea: I realized that in the past, I was always attracted to more manly or dominant men. I also like to consume entertainment where there is this slight dominant-submissive dynamic going on. SO, I have been thinking I should try to bring this dynamic into our relationship.

It is a bit tricky because in the day to day life I do like to control things, and I take a lot of decisions for us both, while he is the easy going one. But I would like things to be the opposite in the bedroom. It is a bit difficult for me to imagine him as a dominant guy but I do feel very safe around him so I feel like it could be a good base to try something.

Any idea or advice appreciated.

OP posts:
RealEagle · 25/05/2025 20:51

Try posting in the sex board .

Dryshampoofordays · 25/05/2025 20:56

im not sure how to advise you to make him more dominant on the bedroom? Have you spoken to him?

category12 · 25/05/2025 22:19

Is it something he's actually interested in?

TrolleySong · 25/05/2025 22:28

So this isn’t something you’ve ever done in bed before, ever, even as a one-off, or that he has ever expressed any interest in, in all the years you’ve been together, your sex life is dead, you were about to end the relationship, but you suddenly think you are going to save things by trying to persuade him to act like the ‘manly’, dominant type of man you were attracted to before him, even though you’re the controlling one out of the bedroom?

Gymbunny2025 · 25/05/2025 22:29

Do you mean in the bedroom or in general? If he’s more laid back than you I doubt he’ll suddenly became ‘more manly’ as you put it! But maybe you could discuss your sexual fantasies together and take it from there?

Ilovelurchers · 25/05/2025 22:33

Do you mean, does anybody in long term relationships indulge in sub/dom sexual play?

Yes, I would imagine it's very, very common (though the exact nature will obviously vary). It's one of the most common kinks, I would have thought.

If you mean as a lifestyle and not just a sex thing - yes some people do it but in my opinion it's not something you would want to get into......

But if you are in to it as a purely sex thing, ask your fella if he's like to explore it. He can always say no. As long as you start off light, and make sure you have safe words etc, I can't see that there is any great risk here.....

Original poster
yorkbabi · 26/05/2025 00:21

Gymbunny2025 · 25/05/2025 22:29

Do you mean in the bedroom or in general? If he’s more laid back than you I doubt he’ll suddenly became ‘more manly’ as you put it! But maybe you could discuss your sexual fantasies together and take it from there?

In general he is more laid back. I think that because I have been controlling in our daily life it is more difficult to explore this different dynamic, I think he has it in him it's just he thinks I would not be into it. The thing is I have been a bit shy about telling him about my fantasies. We have work to do to open up on that side. Thats why Im asking here if anyone has been able to introduce new things or new dynamics in the relationship and how they did that.

OP posts:
Original poster
yorkbabi · 26/05/2025 00:24

TrolleySong · 25/05/2025 22:28

So this isn’t something you’ve ever done in bed before, ever, even as a one-off, or that he has ever expressed any interest in, in all the years you’ve been together, your sex life is dead, you were about to end the relationship, but you suddenly think you are going to save things by trying to persuade him to act like the ‘manly’, dominant type of man you were attracted to before him, even though you’re the controlling one out of the bedroom?

Congrats on your reading skills. Yeah its a difficult situation this is why I am asking if others have been able to introduce new things in their relationship and how they went for it. We did have some discussions about fantasies before but havent got too far yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
yorkbabi · 26/05/2025 00:25

RealEagle · 25/05/2025 20:51

Try posting in the sex board .

thanks I didnt know there was a sex board I will look it up

OP posts:
LastPostISwear · 26/05/2025 00:26

From my experience, men who aren’t naturally inclined to be doms rarely train up well to be one… but it might be worth a shot.

otherwise, you might consider moving on.

Original poster
yorkbabi · 26/05/2025 00:29

LastPostISwear · 26/05/2025 00:26

From my experience, men who aren’t naturally inclined to be doms rarely train up well to be one… but it might be worth a shot.

otherwise, you might consider moving on.

Thanks yeah what I think is that because Im quite an anxious person I have been so controlling that I kind of made him into a more "following" partner, but I think he would like it he just does not think I would... I dont know... I will be talking to him more for sure. I feel like its a bit difficult to change habits but I am willing to try and I wonder if other people have been successful.

OP posts:
Original poster
yorkbabi · 26/05/2025 00:31

Dryshampoofordays · 25/05/2025 20:56

im not sure how to advise you to make him more dominant on the bedroom? Have you spoken to him?

I have a little bit but I will talk to him more. I wonder if anyone has been able to do that it is difficult to change a habit for sure.

OP posts:
LastPostISwear · 26/05/2025 00:39

yorkbabi · 26/05/2025 00:29

Thanks yeah what I think is that because Im quite an anxious person I have been so controlling that I kind of made him into a more "following" partner, but I think he would like it he just does not think I would... I dont know... I will be talking to him more for sure. I feel like its a bit difficult to change habits but I am willing to try and I wonder if other people have been successful.

Show quote history

My husband was very vanilla when we met and I perverted him, so to speak. He read a lot online (lots from Fetlife and Literotica), watched some porn, and really paid attention to my feedback. He’d previously been in a marriage where he had little control of anything, and found the dynamic really empowering. He took to it amazingly. We enjoy it a lot.

But, I think the potentially dominant partner has to be a) very interested, b) very good at taking feed back, and c) just… have it in them. They can’t be shy or inhibited; they have to be open and willing to explore potentially awkward or uncomfortable situations until they figure out what works. Like I said, many men don’t train up well, and some of their “styles” just won’t be compatible with you.

Best of luck

Original poster
yorkbabi · 26/05/2025 00:48

LastPostISwear · 26/05/2025 00:39

My husband was very vanilla when we met and I perverted him, so to speak. He read a lot online (lots from Fetlife and Literotica), watched some porn, and really paid attention to my feedback. He’d previously been in a marriage where he had little control of anything, and found the dynamic really empowering. He took to it amazingly. We enjoy it a lot.

But, I think the potentially dominant partner has to be a) very interested, b) very good at taking feed back, and c) just… have it in them. They can’t be shy or inhibited; they have to be open and willing to explore potentially awkward or uncomfortable situations until they figure out what works. Like I said, many men don’t train up well, and some of their “styles” just won’t be compatible with you.

Best of luck

Show quote history

Thanks that sounds great I am glad you could get there with him and that he felt empowered! Was it strange at first to give him that power? Im worried that I could have a hard time seing him this way, have a hard time get into that head space and give him that control.

OP posts:
LastPostISwear · 26/05/2025 00:56

yorkbabi · 26/05/2025 00:48

Thanks that sounds great I am glad you could get there with him and that he felt empowered! Was it strange at first to give him that power? Im worried that I could have a hard time seing him this way, have a hard time get into that head space and give him that control.

Show quote history

It wasn’t strange for me. A good dom gets his sub in the right headspace, and makes her want to submit, because it’s hot. It will be important for him to believe he’s in charge himself, and to project that in his voice, mannerisms, actions, etc. It might take some practice, but give him lots of examples and positive feedback on things he’s done that you like, so he feels more confident about it.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 26/05/2025 02:25

You could obviously suggest it. I doubt he'll change but there's no harm trying.

Lots of women like to be dominated sexually, it's not unusual at all.

notmycupofdarjeeling · 26/05/2025 11:29

I don’t think this is a good idea based on what you’ve said.

When you say you don’t feel a connection, do you mean you actually don’t love him anymore?

Are your problems all in the bedroom because it doesn’t sound like it?

I think to improve your relationship, you should be looking at ways to reconnect and increase intimacy/ affection and to try to communicate better, in and out of the bedroom.

If you do suggest this to him, be very careful how you phrase it because as you’ve written here it pretty much sounds like you just want him to be a different person.

Are you actually still attracted to him? Are you in love with him? It doesn’t sound like you are.

Original poster
yorkbabi · 26/05/2025 18:13

notmycupofdarjeeling · 26/05/2025 11:29

I don’t think this is a good idea based on what you’ve said.

When you say you don’t feel a connection, do you mean you actually don’t love him anymore?

Are your problems all in the bedroom because it doesn’t sound like it?

I think to improve your relationship, you should be looking at ways to reconnect and increase intimacy/ affection and to try to communicate better, in and out of the bedroom.

If you do suggest this to him, be very careful how you phrase it because as you’ve written here it pretty much sounds like you just want him to be a different person.

Are you actually still attracted to him? Are you in love with him? It doesn’t sound like you are.

thank you for your advice i will think about what you said

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