A lot to unpack & need to know that I’m not overreacting ?

[Loudash237]

First off I just want to say I know I’m going to come across a complete loser doormat but today is my birthday & I'm already feeling pretty awful so please go easy.

I have been with my partner for over a year (Me 35 & Him 38) , it hasn’t been the easiest relationship in fact it’s probably been one of the hardest. He has cheated on me in the past with someone younger who looked absolutely nothing like me which I have tried to get past but has been incredibly difficult for me.

Today was my birthday and he forgot. Didn’t even receive a text. We have been fighting back & forth first he was apologetic but then the tone changed when I said he has never cared about me, he said he didn’t want to fall out with me on my birthday but I should list why he doesn’t care about me. I listed all the reasons. His final reply was, He forgot it happens. Now I’m feeling like maybe I am overreacting. He always has this way of making me feel like I am too demanding and clingy.

When things are good they are really good, I feel like he has such a hold of me. In any other relationship I would have been gone out the door at the first sign of disrespect. None of my family or friends know so suppose I am coming to the internet because I don’t have anyone to talk to it about.

I feel like I know what to do but I just can’t detach from him. He is not only my partner but my best friend. At 35 I would love to have a child & feel like I am running out of time, how long will it take me to find another relationship etc. Just wondering has anyone been in a similar position or any advice anyone can give me.

Leave and definitely don’t have a child with him.

He’s cheated on you after barely more than a year. Please don’t even think about having kids with this man, you’d be far better going it alone.

You know you deserve much better than this, everyone does.

You can do better than this. Dont have a child with him whatever you do.

Leave him right now
Walk away - do not have a child with him
he’s unfaithful and thoughtless
invest in yourself and work out why you think you’re worth so little
happy birthday - next year make sure your life looks very different 💐

Ditch him straight away. Nobody has to put up with being treated in that way. Have a pleasant rest of your birthday and good luck

Ditch him. It will be the best present you can give yourself - peace and freedom from this horrible man.

it hasn’t been the easiest relationship in fact it’s probably been one of the hardest. He has cheated on me in the past with someone younger who looked absolutely nothing like me which I have tried to get past but has been incredibly difficult for me.

This is your ‘best friend’? Where is your self respect, OP?

When things are good they are really good,

Honestly if I had a £ for every thread where a woman posts about a complete cunt a man and then says this,……! It’s the cycle of abuse - they treat you like shit and this you a few crumbs to keep you reeled in.

Its only a year and he’s already cheated - why on earth did you accept that and continue the relationship?

Op you must be very desperate for a bf to accept this shit...
Blunt but true

Raise your bar or you will be raising a dc alone and trying to co parent with a cunt.

Clue - it can't be done. .

Just dump him.

Anything else is wilful self-harm. Choosing the absolute dregs.

Give yourself the best birthday present and walk away. You deserve so much more than this. Don’t let desperation for a child/family make you stay in a relationship which is not right . There may be the perfect man out there waiting and even if there isn’t you deserve to feel valued and loved and it dosent sound like you are at the moment

He’s abusive. You’re trauma bonded. He love bombs you when he’s being nice to reel you back in and then emotionally abuses you but makes out you’re the problem for being too sensitive. That’s called DARVO. Look it up. Hes abusive and he’s cheated on you. That’s also abusive. Men like this do not change. Do not have a child with him. Block him everywhere and go full no contact. Just send him a text and say, “this is working for me and I don’t want to be with you anymore. Don’t contact me again.” Then block him. Don’t engage with him. If he comes to your house call the police and don’t answer your door.

He’s not your friend. He never will be. And in terms of being 35 and wanting a child. I had a baby in my 40’s without any issues. You have time. DO NOT get pregnant to this loser. It won’t just ruin your life but your child’s life would be shit too.

Read this book. It’s free

https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/1up?view=theater

Then do the freedom programme.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I would also suggest you get some counselling so you can learn about self esteem, setting and maintaining boundaries and what a healthy relationship should looks like. Until you’ve done this, you shouldn’t have another relationship let alone have a child.

Why did you think it was acceptable/forgiveable to cheat on you?

It wasn't. He's an ass and you need to stop putting up with it.

Give yourself the birthday present of freedom from this useless man.

It’s only been a year. It should not be THIS hard at this point. He’s not your person. He’s not your best friend (a best friend would remember your birthday!), and he’s not the person to have babies with. Throw him in the bin and don’t look back.

He's certainly not your best friend, that's for sure. Best friends care about one another and don't forget each other's birthdays. He can't be arsed to remember.

He's a shit of a partner as well. He's a cheat for starters, and he has no respect for your feelings.

Look up the sunk cost fallacy and don't waste any more of your precious fertile years on this thoughtless uncaring dickhead.

You obviously have never been trauma bonded to anyone. Calling OP very desperate is fucking shitty of you. Let’s hope you never find yourself in such a relationship because it is never that easy to walk away once they have a grip on you.

Thank you for the links, I will check them out. I do feel like he ruins things on purpose for me sometimes, he had only mentioned my birthday last week but now all of a sudden he got the dates mixed up. All of my other relationships weren’t like this and I am angry with myself for putting up with as much as I have.

He does ruin things on purpose, especially if it’s something for you, that celebrates you or that will be enjoyable for you. It’s a common abuser tactic. If it’s not about them, they ruin it. He won’t get better.

Don’t beat yourself up. These men are very clever and good and sweeping women off their feet. Plenty of women you’d never expect end up in abusive relationships. It’s uber common. You are not the first and you won’t be the last. Don’t be angry at yourself, be angry at him and use that anger to end this abusive relationship and never go back. Now you know who he is and that this relationship is abusive, so you have no reason to stay. Block, block, block.

He is your best friend!
What? A best friend would not overlook your birthday. A best friend would not cheat on you.
Leave. You still have time to have a child. Do not bring a child into this mess though.