DP and remembering my brithday

[Levithecat]

Its my brithday today and I can’t decide how unreasonable my feelings are, mainly because I’m a grown ass woman and birthdays aren’t a big deal at my age. However, they can be a bit of a sensitive time for me.

ExH was always a massive let down, he was/is an alcoholic and ruined many a birthday for me, I cancelled my 40th because of his behaviour just before. I was at away at school and one year at a new boarding school no one knew it was my birthday and my parents were abroad and didn’t call - so no one wished me a happy birthday. I got too embarassed as they day went on and didn’t want to make a fuss by telling people. Not wanting to make a fuss was an issue in general for me, so I’ve worked hard since my divorce to understand that I’m entitled to some things.

DP (together 3 years, don’t live together) has a festival gig today (musician). I am going later for his set. He is notoriously unromantic, but I knew this about him from the start and he is a good communicator, but assumes I will take silence as ‘everything is great’, ie no need to proactively tell me how he feels about me. Again I worry that I’m being precious so please do tell me if so.

he hasn’t messaged or called me today, so I just checked in to see what time I should arrive. He responded and we had a chat about what time he was on etc. I know he’s distracted and getting sorted for later, but am I right to be disappointed he hasn’t acknowledged that it’s my birthday today? I think they only thing I can do is have a bit of a chat with him tomorrow about it.

Happy Birthday! 🥳🎈🎉 I would be disappointed, I don’t think you are being at all unreasonable to be. Hopefully it is just because he is flustered about the gig & he’ll make up for it later.

Happy birthday 🎂 There’ll be the usual misery sponges along to say their DP gave them second hand coal in 1983 and that’s sustained them ever since and you’re a birthday princess blah blah blah BUT I would be really upset by this. I hope you have a good rest of the day 🍹

Happy birthday!!
Does he have a smartphone? If so no reason to forget as they have a handy calender that tells you what is happening. If you can be arsed to enter the information.

Happy birthday 🎂

Happy Birthday 🥳 @Levithecat
Yes, I’d be upset too. But rather than let it fester I’d probably drop him a lighthearted message like ‘look forward to you serenading me with happy birthday at the gig tonight’. See how he responds. If he still fails to make you feel special then I’d be very vocal about how important it is and what a disappointment he has been.

Nope, get rid! You deserve a man who wishes you a happy birthday, buys you a thoughtful gift and takes you for a lovely meal. Nothing less, ever! Unless he's dead or in hospital with a serious illness.

Why are you putting up with this? I'd have thought getting rid of the last dickhead would have raised your standards.

Happy birthday OP!

I think birthdays are wonderful and should be celebrated - how lucky we are to be here, and to survive another year!

I think it stinks that he hasn't got your a card etc but maybeeee he will do something at the gig? Like @ZiggaZigAh I'd bring it up lightly with something like "and I assume the birthday girl will be getting free drinks all night?" Depending on your personality/style.

What has he done for previous birthdays, if you've been together 3 years?

In general I think communication is important and you can't expect people to read your mind.

You feel that birthdays matter.

You have (I assume) let him know this.

He has ignored you.

But tbh even if you haven't let him know this, the default position is that birthdays matter. If they don't matter to one and they do to the other, the default position remains. If they together agree to ignore them, that's a different matter.

I mean 'let him know this' by celebrating his birthday and others, that kind of thing. It's not your job to sit him down and inform him of your position on annual celebrations!

@ZiggaZigAh excellent suggestion 👏🏻 Do this @Levithecat and hopefully he’ll come up with the goods.

Happy birthday OP.

Never date musicians. It’s a rule that has stood me in very good stead. If he can’t even say Happy Birthday, how considerate is he any other time?

I don't particularly want to "do" anything for my birthday, but I'd be disappointed for it not to be mentioned.

Otoh, over the last few weeks I'd have mentioned it a few times. "Your gig will be a fun way to celebrate my birthday". "I'll have lunch with my mum on Weds for my birthday" "I might treat myself to xyz for my birthday next week".

I don't see the point in setting someone you care about up to fail.

Have you discussed your birthday recently? Like when he said about the gig did you say
'Oh, it's on my birthday!'
Or are you expecting him to just remember?

This is a good idea, I think the right thing to do is to remind him, even if it sucks you need to.
if he keeps doing it in following years I think the right thing to do is do something amazing to celebrate and he is emphatically not invited. birthday celebrations should not include partners who can’t even remember it.

That's my marriage down the drain then
It's possible to navigate these tricky situations with explicit instructions. Very explicit.
It's mine on Wednesday and I know plans have been made as the Amazon email came to my inbox
Happy Birthday OP. We don't get that many so they're important! Tell him that.

Happy Birthday!

I'd be giving yourself an additional present in dumping this man actually because he comes across as a crap partner to be with. He is an adult who should not need reminding, you're not his mother and he can and does remember things that are important to him.

I would think too this all started in your childhood because you seem to have lucked out in the parents stakes too. You were in a boarding school and they did not bother to call you. It's shocking really. You've been trained and conditioned from an early age perhaps to think your wishes do not really matter and or not of paramount concern to others.

I’m at the event now and have said lm looking forward to my birthday tribute gig - he did say happy birthday when he saw me. I’ll chat with him tomorrow as he should know that a text when he wakes to wish me a happy birthday isn’t much to ask. Have had lots of lovely messages etc from friends, and my parents did remember this year 😅

but yes, @AttilaTheMeerkat I became very used to putting my needs / wants last and I am very consciously trying to work out not doing that but without going the other way and being unfair and having too high standards for others

No @Levithecat you don't need to tell an adult man to send a happy birthday text. He knows, he's presumably not thick or been living on another planet for all his teenage and adult life.

Your friends have been lovely - did you need to "teach" or "coach" them on good manners and how to treat people they care about? No, of course you didn't!

It's not your job to teach a grown adult basic social norms.

Swap him for a different one, honestly, life is too short and you deserve to be with someone who makes you feel special.

Happy birthday OP.
Your standards are on the ground.
Gone from one selfish lazy man to another.

What is the point of them?
You deserve better.
But as long as you waste time with selfish lazy men, you will remain stuck.

Love your summary of the "misery Sponges."
Happy Birthday 🎁 🎂 🥳
I don't need/like a lot of fuss. I'll maybe do something for myself, but I do like my partner/children to just say Happy Birthday. Sometimes I get a card, or they'll get me coffee and bring it to me in bed. I have learned if I want it to be acknowledged this year (this goes for Mother's Day too) I need to say something, and suggest a meal out, or whatever it is I'd like to do. Bottom line, communication.

Have high standards! Aim for the moon—at least you won’t shoot your own feet off.

Look: we get the treatment we accept. Try telling “mr unromantic” that romance gets more love than “I’m not bothered to care about pleasing you.”

Happy Birthday OP 🎈🎉💥🎆🎇🍾🥂🎂🎁💐
Reading about your parents not calling you on your birthday at boarding school made me so sad for the child that you were. How is your relationship with them now?

Well, there is some redemption - I have come back to his house (he’s not back yet) and there’s a card and flowers plus wine for me,
which is nice as he doesn’t drink. His lovely daughter also made me a card. I will point out to him that until I’d seen all that I had no idea he’d been thinking of me and he needs to remember to message me. But he has clearly put effort in.

@RabbitsRock your post made me feel emotional! Boarding school destroyed my relationship with my parents as a late teen/young adult, but it’s good now. They are old and we don’t talk about the past much. They would stick by their choices. I think most who go away to school feel abandoned and become adept at dissociating. I did some amazing trauma therapy after my first child was born which helped massively,