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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I end our marriage?

27 replies

Coral88 · 25/05/2025 13:05

I've been married not even a year yet to my husband.

I have a 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship and a 7 month old son with my husband.

Myself and my daughter have a good relationship she's very open with me, we joke around etc when she jokes around with me he sees it as being disrespectful which I do not. This is due to his background being nigerian and his upbringing.

Children are not to talk back, should respect their elders etc which I'm not in disagreement with but it's not how I or my daughter have been brought up.

There was an issue previously where she had her school uniform on still when it was like 6pm, I had no issue with this as she has clean uniform daily and it's not a rule I've enforced to take it off. Rather than ask her to take her uniform on he asked why is she still wearing it and she said because she is, there was some discussion back and forth and she walked away upstairs so she didn't get into an argument. Because she walked away that was wrong and he shouted at her which I felt was uncalled for and I stepped in and said it and told her to be quiet and go to her room. With the words he said to me it felt like bullying, things like she can do no wrong, shes like a goddess etc. Because I challenged him infront of my daughter this again was a huge issue for him and I wrong and shouldn't have done that according to him.

There has been numerous times where ive had his back when it's come to calling her up on things and taking her phone etc. if shes wrong, misbehaving or rude i will and do take action.

My daughter is no angel she's a teen however she's top set in all her classes in school,have no issues whatsoever behaviour wise, she rarely goes out, stays at home, reads books etc, keeps her room tidy and is great with the baby. Yes she could help out around the house more but again I have no issues with her.

he thinks she should be doing more such as cooking, cleaning etc because girls do that in his country, again its not how ive brought her up and am not suddenly glong to demand she starts cleaning the house etc

Yesterday there was a bit of banter with them which turnt where he started winding her up and she told him to shut up twice with the second time she said yes i said. It was uncalled for, thee was no need for it and totally wrong, he told her off as did I. After stewing he later went up to her still angry and basically said if it happens again there will bigger consequences etc

Today he said to me about it again and that I need to set the boundary with her and if it happens again he may give her a slap. I told him he will not, he said some more things but that shocked me about slapping so didn't really hear everything else.

She said morning to him this morning as he makes a big thing about her acknowledging him and he told her she doesn't need to at morning to him.

I am at the point where I feel like I need to end things, to me he sees it as ok that he could slap her! I feel as our son grows too there are going to be so many issues due to our upbringings.

Other than the above our relationship is good and him and my daughter get on well but I feel its a step to far with what he said.

My children will always come first.

I just need some point of views from outsiders. Thank you

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 25/05/2025 13:10

If he's not willing to listen to you about how you choose to raise your child then I think you would need to leave, yes. Does he do his share of cooking/cleaning etc? I would not want my daughter or son growing up in a sexist household, let alone one where a grown man was willing to slap a child.

GoodQueenBess · 25/05/2025 13:14

Yes. End it.

TwistedWonder · 25/05/2025 13:15

Was he not like this before you married him? Surely the warning signs were there?

Your DC absolutely need to be your priority and that means not subjecting your DD to a controlling stepfather.

Original poster
Coral88 · 25/05/2025 13:22

ilovelamp82 · 25/05/2025 13:10

If he's not willing to listen to you about how you choose to raise your child then I think you would need to leave, yes. Does he do his share of cooking/cleaning etc? I would not want my daughter or son growing up in a sexist household, let alone one where a grown man was willing to slap a child.

He actually is great around the house does more than me cleaning wise etc as soon as is home helps with the baby etc but the threat of the slap is too much for me

OP posts:
Original poster
Coral88 · 25/05/2025 13:23

TwistedWonder · 25/05/2025 13:15

Was he not like this before you married him? Surely the warning signs were there?

Your DC absolutely need to be your priority and that means not subjecting your DD to a controlling stepfather.

No he wasn't there were no signs. Apart from these incidents everything is honestly great but I do know that these incidents are likely to lead to further issues

OP posts:
Orangemintcream · 25/05/2025 13:24

WTF.

Yes end it - he has threatened your daughter.

Tbh I’m not sure why you married him as it seems you are poles apart culturally.

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 25/05/2025 13:27

"if it happens again he may give her a slap"

There's your answer right there.

KnewYearKnewMe · 25/05/2025 13:27

I think you do. It’s only doing to get worse as your DD gets older.

Your views on bringing up children are wildly different.

just make sure you are clear that you are separating because you don’t have matching values, NOT because of your daughter.

Original poster
Coral88 · 25/05/2025 13:28

Orangemintcream · 25/05/2025 13:24

WTF.

Yes end it - he has threatened your daughter.

Tbh I’m not sure why you married him as it seems you are poles apart culturally.

When I look back I'm not sure why I did either.

I know what I need to do and will do it. My children will always come first over any man wether he's dad or stepdad

OP posts:
Original poster
Coral88 · 25/05/2025 13:31

KnewYearKnewMe · 25/05/2025 13:27

I think you do. It’s only doing to get worse as your DD gets older.

Your views on bringing up children are wildly different.

just make sure you are clear that you are separating because you don’t have matching values, NOT because of your daughter.

Thank you for that advice, I'm terrible with getting my point across with how to word things nut I will make sure I word it that way abd gave the discussion when my daughter isn't around either as I know she will also blame herself when it's nothing to do with her

OP posts:
Mumlaplomb · 25/05/2025 13:31

Yes end it OP. Put your daughter first.

Dearg · 25/05/2025 13:34

I assume you are in England, Op?

I understand that, unless he has legally adopted your child, he is not considered a parent and would therefore be breaking English law. [https://www.wilsonbrowne.co.uk/news/personal/is-it-illegal-to-smack-your-child-in-the-uk/]

That probably would not stop him, so yes, you should take both your children and leave, and apply for a legal separation, as soon as you can, as a prelude to divorce.

His culture is very different from yours and he demonstrates that he has no desire to change.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 25/05/2025 13:35

He sounds like a cheeky, misogynistic, disrespectful piece of shit. I don't even have a daughter but if a man threatened to slap her if I did he'd instantly regret it.

MaryGreenhill · 25/05/2025 13:39

Does he know that it's not legal to use violence against a child in the UK OP?

Catoo · 25/05/2025 13:41

He’s threatened your daughter.
He has outdated views about women. He isn’t going to change these. Yes, you have to leave.

Did you get married because you were pregnant? Was it a long term relationship? Regardless, it seems like you didn’t know him well enough when you married.

Original poster
Coral88 · 25/05/2025 13:42

Thanks everyone it's a real eye opener seeing others views from the outside.

As soon as he said it I knew it was over but getting unbiased views has definitely helped the situation for me.

I rent from the housing association in my name only, have a job where I can also work from home and can support us on my sole income so that side of things isn't an issue.

Just need to take that step now and actually end things

OP posts:
Catoo · 25/05/2025 13:43

Coral88 · 25/05/2025 13:42

Thanks everyone it's a real eye opener seeing others views from the outside.

As soon as he said it I knew it was over but getting unbiased views has definitely helped the situation for me.

I rent from the housing association in my name only, have a job where I can also work from home and can support us on my sole income so that side of things isn't an issue.

Just need to take that step now and actually end things

Good luck OP.
It’s the right thing.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 25/05/2025 13:44

KnewYearKnewMe · 25/05/2025 13:27

I think you do. It’s only doing to get worse as your DD gets older.

Your views on bringing up children are wildly different.

just make sure you are clear that you are separating because you don’t have matching values, NOT because of your daughter.

This.

SonK · 25/05/2025 13:44

Reading your post, I was on the verge of agreeing with your partner until you got to the slapping threat and him ignoring your daughter saying good morning to him - how rude and childish!

You need to give him an ultimatum - he cannot lay hands on your daughter, or son for that matter.

My partner comes from a country where slapping is considered an okay form of discussion and I have made it clear to him we will be finished if he even mentions it.

KnewYearKnewMe · 25/05/2025 13:58

good luck, OP. It won’t be easy,

Prepare your thoughts and your time so that you’re ready.

If you’re trying to start the conversation, you could say something like:

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and it’s become really clear to me that you and I have fundamentally different values – not just around one thing, but in how we see the way we bring up our family, and how we want to live. This isn’t about DD or anyone else – it’s about me and you and how we feel. I’m don’t think these deiffences are things I can compromise on anymore. I want to talk about where that leaves us, and what it means for the future of our relationship.”

when someone has such opposing views and strong beliefs, you probably need to really think through how you position things.

IGJ10 · 25/05/2025 14:03

How long had you been together before you got married? I’m very surprised you had no idea about his way of parenting before getting married - were his interactions with your daughter different before you got married?

I was raised by Nigerian parents (in the UK) and I’m afraid he won’t change. They are often frankly obsessed with being respected by their children, being greeted when they come in a room, doing chores, being spoken to in a certain way and yes, will dish out the odd slap. Mine were certainly like this and the line had to be toed. I don’t inherently disagree with a lot of it (except slapping/spanking) but this is how most Nigerians are brought up and it’s super important to many of them.

You have different parenting values and unless you can find a middle ground, this current situation will be untenable in the long term. Good luck OP

Branwells77 · 25/05/2025 17:26

He won’t change, he will never accept your parenting style and it will 100% get worse and I do think he will end up hitting both you and your daughter show him the door make sure you have all relevant details in case you need to claim child maintenance. Good luck OP

DeSoleil · 25/05/2025 17:29

You married a man from a different culture who has different standards and expectations of women and children and yet you are now surprised when he acts and behaves as part of his culture?

Messycoo · 25/05/2025 17:47

Perhaps consider therapy counselling,
regarding what’s is acceptable with his upbringing and your own.
and talking about boundaries. You are right to put your children first.
My mum was the disciplinarian when it came to my older sister, as my sister was from my mums first marriage.
don't get me wrong, our dad/her dad would give her a telling off.
sit down and have a discussion with your husband and make it clear, he is not to be heavy handed and will live in a society where children are seen And heard .

highstoolfling · 25/05/2025 18:00

Yes end it. I ignored a similar situation for years and nearly lost my daughter. She’s 16 now and is traumatised from all the discipline. Things will get worse I can promise you that. He won’t change and she will dig her heals in further. My dad’s daughter nearly took her off me and rightly so. It took a catastrophic event for me to see the reality of what I put my child through. I also thought it was a step parent thing but I have a son with ex husband and he was just as aggressive with his biological child and he’s now a highly anxious 9 year old.