Am I being a mug to stay?

[CinnamonTart]

So this happened tonight ...

Background - I think DH is undiagnosed aspergers / ASD. Together 20 years. 3 kids, one with special needs.

I’ve found it excruciatingly painful having no affection or initiation of intimacy. Last night it all overwhelmed me and I silent cried in bed as he turned away yet again. He has been trying post couples counselling with hand holding and hugs, but it’s the spontaneous affection I’ve been really missing.

But one thing at a time ...
We last had couples counselling in Feb.

Today we had a very old mutual friend and his kids over for BBQ - it was so lovely. But I was dreading bed time as I’m struggling.

We went to bed together. Kissed. He rolled away.

This is every night.

I asked him if he would still like to be together and he let rip with an onslaught of ‘you are so the victim, you’re so spiteful, you cry every night in your robe being the victim. Ravage me if you want sex, of course I want to be together but you’re so spiteful .... ‘

I was so appalled, I said, ‘just wow’.

Then I said ‘I asked you in a vulnerable way if you’d like to be together and you said all that' ... and he said it all again!

... I was so appalled, I got up out of bed, booked a night in a hotel, messaged him saying I’d be home some time tomorrow and don’t ever speak to me like that again in response to me asking if you would still like to be together, and left.

And here I am.

WTAF

How long hasn't he wanted any physical contact? What did the counsellor say regarding that?

OP - you clearly have a lot of pent up resentment. He seems to have as well.
It is hard to say much beyond that, given that this is a short post that can’t possibly summarise a relationship of 20 years.

But it seems that you want him to change into a different person - which is unlikely. If he was never spontaneously affectionate - he wont suddenly become that person.
if he never initiated sex - again, couples therapy won’t change that.
It’s unrealistic to hope he will wake up a changed man.

If this is how he’s been for many years - why are you suddenly this affected by it? To the point of rubbing off into the night and leaving your kids to wonder where you are in the morning?
Are you possibly in peri - because this is the sort of behaviour that I have seen in my friends when our hormones started acting up.

Stop being so needy. You’re pushing him away. You’re not precious. Grow up

That's a huge question to ask someone after a kiss goodnight, I can understand why he balked. His outburst wasn't fair, but neither was asking "do you still want to be together?" when what you meant was "do you want to have sex tonight?". I think I'd hit the roof too if my husband decided as I was dozing off was the moment to ask me a potentially relationship ending question.

How long has this been an issue? As a pp said, it does seem like you're expecting him to change into a different man than the one you've been married to for 20 years. No amount of therapy can change someone who isn't that interested in sex and intimacy into someone who is. If it's a more recent issue finding a time to talk about it properly (i.e not immediately before bed!!) is the best first step and then take it from there.

I'm not condoning him shouting at you or calling you a perpetual victim, that's cruel. But difficult conversations require the right timing I think, and you picked an awful moment to raise this.

I totally agree with this post ^^

The silent tears thing comes across as a bit “poor me” op. As is you throwing your vulnerability in his face. Sorry but it sounds manipulative.

Ime men prefer a more straightforward approach and for women to just speak their mind and although he didn’t put it kindly, which was wrong, him saying “ravage me if you want sex” is his way of saying that.

And your timing was terrible. You’d had a nice day. Why not leave it at that rather than start a deep discussion just as you were going to sleep? You said you were dreading going to bed, so you knew there was potential for it to go really wrong, so why did you not choose another time?

Also, your reaction was way over the top imho. Again, his tone and choice of wording were unpleasant, but he told you that of course he wants to be with you.

Having said all of that it can’t be easy having no physical affection. And no initiation on his part, I can understand that you feel really hurt by that and your confidence is low.

Op, why not go back home tomorrow and apologise for your timing and and try and find a baby-sitter or a family member to look after your dc, for one evening or one night, Then propose to your dh that you both go away and have a proper, honest, relaxed, stress-free conversation outside of your home environment. Just go for a drive if nothing else.

And when you do address your relationship issues, don’t be accusatory. Use “I” instead of “you” statements. Tell him how crap and frustrated you feel without blame. If he is ND then your dh may not be behaving this way on purpose; he may find family life very overwhelming.

On your side, try and analyse honestly at what point it started going wrong. It’s a very common scenario with parents of three dc, especially if one has SEN. That’s a lot to handle.

Start by trying to find time together, prioritising one another.. Doing new things together to get that sense of closeness back. You have to invest more time in the relationship before you address the intimacy.

Good luck 💐

I'm sorry OP but I agree with pp here.

Your timing was terrible and you sound a little bit dramatic with the silent tears thing.

You need to have a proper sit down talk. When you are both in the right frame of mind, not in bed after a nice sounding day with friends.

The only other thing I can think is that this is just the cherry on the top of other issues.

Are you a mug to stay?

Yes.

I asked him if he would still like to be together
If you think he has ASD then you should make an attempt to speak more clearly. He replied like he did because it’s unclear if you’re suggesting a shag or a breakup.
Presumably he’s been like this for 20 years - it is unreasonable for you to expect him to have a personality transplant and be touchy with you. You said that he’s been trying post couples counselling so it sounds like he’s improved but someone who isn’t touchy isn’t going to suddenly become spontaneous. If he has ASD then rules like hold your hand when walking together may be how his brain works.
The stuff about silent crying in your robe is pretty dramatic. If you want to cuddle as you fall asleep or want him facing you then ask him and see where that goes. I have a favourite side to sleep on. Would switching sides mean that he’s naturally facing you (if that would make you happier) ? Talk to him instead of wasting more years silent crying.
If he falls asleep quickly at night then talking in bed might be a bad idea because he’s too tired to think clearly. Make some time to explain your what you want but accept that it’s hard for someone who may be more rigid in thinking (ASD) to be spontaneous so he might need some specific guidance because he doesn’t naturally know.

I think it's a bit harsh to say basically she's been with him 20 years, why is it a problem now? Perhaps because slowly it's eroded at her and what she once could cope with or overlook, has become harder over time. Or perhaps he masked more in the beginning and has gradually stopped.

OP, it sounds awful, and maybe you should think about moving on separately. He can't change and you're really unhappy. Life's too short to make each other miserable.

OP - you’re getting a load of grief from some posts on here, which is undeserved, so ignore them. Bottom line is that he won’t change. Counselling will only work if he wants it too, but be aware that if he’s on the spectrum, behaviour changes will likely just be either to get something he wants, or because he’s been told to act / react in a way that’s more acceptable: it’s not that he’ll mean it. Only you will know what’s best for you and the kids, but don’t tear yourself up trying to get him to change, you’ll be on a hiding to nothing.

Yeah you are a mug sorry. Couple Counselling can’t fix neurodivergent behaviour. He is not going to change. You should leave.

But first start by getting your own bed if you can, make a nice bed in the spare bedroom if that’s an option - without rejection living in your actual bed. You need to start having better bedtimes.

well done. You’ve been gratuitously horrible to a stranger on the internet who is in a vulnerable place.

I’m sure your mum would be very proud of you.

Do you want to split, OP? I feel it highly unlikely that he will/can change, maybe you've just had enough of him. Make a decision over the next few days what you want your future to look like.

If he can’t change yes leave. Your asking for affection not the moon on a stick.

I'm sorry OP.
Your marriage is over.
Never return to that bed.
Start making plans.
Do not lift another finger for that nasty vicious man.

Nope, that's not autism, that's being an arse.

@Arghgerroffyabastard thank you.

Thank you to everyone who has been supportive - giving constructive criticism or just plain kindness.

DS (17) unfortunately I’ve discovered heard the entire conversation and me leaving - and hasn’t spoken to DH since.

I feel so awful about that. He’s very quiet and I don’t know what I can say to make him feel better.

why have you assumed he is autistic?.

I would not readily assume he is anywhere on an autistic spectrum. Nothing you write of him is indicative of this.

Do not remain with him for the children, they will not thank you for doing that.