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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stepmum1

16 replies

ByFairUser · 25/05/2025 01:12

I got married last April I have 2 kids of my own in December the stepdaughter moved in with us she is my partners only child. I'm not allowed to say or discipline her in anyway and when she does something wrong abs I mention it, it is always my fault how do I overcome this

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 25/05/2025 06:20

How old are your kids, how old is she, how much does she see her other parent, do all the kids have rooms of their own, how much time are you on your own in charge of SD while her parent works etc?

Helpmeplease2025 · 25/05/2025 07:08

Move out.

Lighteningstrikes · 25/05/2025 10:16

Are you kind to her and do you treat her like one of your own?

Do you like children and are you good at communicating with them?

Exactly what is going wrong - can you give us an example?

How old is she and how old are your children?

category12 · 25/05/2025 10:24

Open conversation with her father, perhaps with a relationship counsellor, to try and work out how to manage the dynamic.

Does he discipline your kids?

Original poster
ByFairUser · 25/05/2025 10:44

My kids are 23 and 21 my son stays with us. I try to be nice to her but she is ignorant ie say hi 3x to her and get no reply standing making a cuppa and she just opens the cupboard door that's in front of me and doesn't say excuse me. The sd parents don't talk to each other. She expects everyone to pick up at the back of here I'm sorry at age 14 mine knew to put things in bucket. I asked her to do dishes before she went to see her mum for a week after she got picked up the dishes were still waiting to be done and when I said to her dad to say something to her I got no point by time she comes back to say anything

OP posts:
Pleasealexa · 25/05/2025 11:00

Being a step mum must be the hardest most thankless role... however you are also dealing with a teen who has obviously witnessed hostility between her parents and now moved into a house where she has to learn house rules.

I think you need to cut her slack and rely on her dad to discipline. I think at 14 any new rules from you will be treated with hostility. I'm not saying her behaviour is right but she is unlikely to listen to you as you obviously don't have a good relationship.

Why did she come to live with you? There must be a backstory and I doubt she is happy with the setup either.

If your husband won't support you then there isn't much you can do...tolerate it or move out (depending on who owns the house).

category12 · 25/05/2025 17:09

Yes, how come she came to live with you?

Original poster
ByFairUser · 25/05/2025 20:16

No idea apart from her and her mum had a fight she took her phone off her and she wasn't happy she wasn't going to school or she would constantly sleep in for it her mum has an early start for her job that as much as we know

OP posts:
Original poster
ByFairUser · 25/05/2025 20:18

Also she has been here since December and does nothing she allowed her bf in house with bedroom door shut I have stated I don't like that n her dad's attitude if they going to do it better in here than elsewhere. How can he think like that. Do any of u think that ok

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/05/2025 20:29

No it’s not okay. Is he worth it?

Original poster
ByFairUser · 08/06/2025 19:22

My and my partner are falling our now all time, she does nothing at. I said to him yesterday she left house without anything to eat did same today n I got told to butter out nothing to do with me however he works away from home n I'm expected to do his duties 4 his daughter

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 08/06/2025 19:42

He's the parent. If he doesn't do his job, tough. Don't parent for him. Step back.

You've been set up in a lose/lose situation. He expects you to do his duties, parent, while not being able to discipline and being told to butt out. It sounds like he married you to have someone to look after his daughter because he works out of the home.

The only way to win is not play the game. No. You won't do his duties. He's the parent. You won't discipline. He's the parent and he picks up the slack. She leaves the house without eating. Ok. She has her bf in the home. OK. That's up to him. Just let him know you are not willing to be a built in nanny.

It sounds like your marriage is really rocky, you don't agree on parenting, and you should get your ducks in order.

ruethewhirl · 08/06/2025 19:44

You shouldn’t have to put up with being treated like that in your own home. My DSD is grown now and was a much nicer teen than many, but I wouldn’t have stood for it if she’d come to live with us and acted like that.

zebraprintlov · 08/06/2025 22:53

If your stepdaughter has moved into your home then it’s only fair that you are able to discipline her.

it’s not a healthy relationship for you. I know from personal experience that this can cause so many issues and it’s you that’ll feel it. Saying you aren’t able to say anything or disciple means you have zero authority and won’t have a respect.

Being a step parent is so hard and I believe you both should be a unit when it comes to the children.

outerspacepotato · 08/06/2025 23:31

"If your stepdaughter has moved into your home then it’s only fair that you are able to discipline her."

I disagree with this. First, this is SD's home and has been. Her dad has parented her a certain way and that's what she's used to It's not OP's place to parent and discipline her new SD of a couple months, it's her father's. He has made the rules about SD but OP disagrees with those rules, like the bf being in the bedroom. Her father would rather they have sex there where she's in a safe place. So she left home without eating.

There's a control issue here. OP and her new husband have very different parenting styles. OP needs to back off.

zebraprintlov · 08/06/2025 23:45

outerspacepotato · 08/06/2025 23:31

"If your stepdaughter has moved into your home then it’s only fair that you are able to discipline her."

I disagree with this. First, this is SD's home and has been. Her dad has parented her a certain way and that's what she's used to It's not OP's place to parent and discipline her new SD of a couple months, it's her father's. He has made the rules about SD but OP disagrees with those rules, like the bf being in the bedroom. Her father would rather they have sex there where she's in a safe place. So she left home without eating.

There's a control issue here. OP and her new husband have very different parenting styles. OP needs to back off.

In a relationship you do things together. You parent together especially if living in the same household. I’m not sure if you’ve been in this situation or are currently in a similar situation but this will definitely continue to cause issues. I’ve had a similar experience and have nearly split with my how husband several times due to this. I decided to speak up and we worked on it but still have issues now

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