My mum is alcoholic

[Minniesoata]

I'm an adult, mid 30s, two children and today it finally hit me hard that my Mum is an alcoholic and it's breaking my heart.

For the past perhaps 15 years, I've know that she drinks and that it can cause difficulties because she doesn't handle alcohol well, but it wasn't until today that the extent of how frequently she does it sunk in. When I was living at home in my mid 20s I was aware of it, she and my dad would have arguments but I didn't realise just HOW often she was getting into a state.

She's not unkind or aggressive she just becomes totally incapable of looking after herself, falls, drops/breaks things and passes out by 8pm.

She is elderly, early 70s, and physically disabled. She walks with a frame and takes a lot of medication because of pain and because of her reduced mobility the alcohol makes her more likely to fall over and injure herself.

I was visiting around lunch time today, and noticed she was drinking red wine so I asked her "are you really drinking red wine this early?".

My dad replied to say "yes she is, she does it every single day and starts early enough that she can drink a full bottle before passing out in bed at 7.30. We've had screaming arguments over it and nothing will stop her, nothing"

My mom made out that he was exaggerating, said she wasn't drinking wine it was blackcurrant juice, she doesn't drink a full bottle, all the excuses. Then turned defensive "oh I'm just embarrassing aren't I, listen to how he's speaking about me". I said I think Dad's actually really hurting mom, he's upset.

Anyway I don't know what the point of my post is, I just feel incredibly helpless. I love both my parents immensely, my Mum is generous and loving and my Dad is a saint and I just want to help but I can't.

It's very difficult but you're right to recognise that you're helpless.

Al Anon might be helpful, it's for the family of alcoholics.

Here to listen, OP.

I also have an elderly mother who I’ve recently discovered is a secret alcoholic.

The feeling of helplessness around a loved one ‘s addiction is awful - but it’s so much more complex when they are also disabled and frail and vulnerable.

Such a mixture of unbearable feelings - anger and sorrow and fear and grief.

Sending you love & strength.

Im struggling a little to process how I'm feeling.

I'm upset that I know they're both unhappy and arguing, probably daily, but putting on a front to the outside world.

I feel deeply sorry for my Dad having to handle this, but also that he's somehow complicit? He also drinks, but not to excess and they go to a pub a few late afternoons per week for an hour or so, and I'm sturggling to understand why he would do that if her alcolism is affecting their lives so badly.

I want to visit the house every day and pour the wine away before she even has chance to open it

I understand the impulse to chuck all the wine out, but she’ll find a way to get more, and you’ll be sucked into the role of the controlling codependent party.

Do attend some Al-Anon meetings - while I found there weren’t a lot of people in exactly my situation, dealing with elderly parents who were alcoholics (for most it was their partners or adult children), they were fairly clear that the alcoholic family dynamics are broadly the same for everyone, and the best way to stay sane is to accept that you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it.

I think you’re right to feel pissed off that your dad is enabling this. Could you speak about this with him directly? While also recognizing that he may make some choices you don’t agree with either, and ultimately it’s up to them how they live their lives, and whether they make any changes - however sad it is to witness.

You can only look after yourself.

Its really sad. My mum has always been a functioning alcoholic. She drinks every evening to the point where she is slurring her words, gets argumentative, waking unsteady etc. Not a good environment for me to grow up in.

On the occasions where i brought it up, i was the one in trouble for implying she had a problem with alcohol.

Now i just avoid her as i can’t stand to see her drunk - its makes me angry and sad.

i also feel ashamed if i ever am buying wine in a shop even though I don’t have an issue with alcohol.

I am so sorry you had to deal with this growing up, @redmountain. And how brave you must have been to be able to raise it with her.

I know what you mean about how upsetting it is to see your mother incapacitated and slurring and spilling things. It is heartbreaking and infuriating and also kind of repellent. My mother is always forcefully trying to give me hugs when she’s pissed - I can’t bear it and just want to push her away.

I couldn’t not reply to this. I am in this situation with my mum. Two dc who she doesn’t bother with not because she physically can’t, but because she chooses to drink alone instead. She has always been a drinker and I remember incidents during early childhood of her being drunk. During my teens I pushed back and challenged her on it, I remember throwing glasses of her wine down the sink in temper. Whenever any problems cropped up in life it was an excuse to drink and when we unexpectedly lost my dad a few years ago it was the green light she needed to go full alcoholic.

She has injured herself many times, ruined family occasions, offended and fallen out with good friends, I’ve had countless calls and texts from people who have seen her staggering around and are concerned. She doesn’t listen, she won’t change. I’ve had to accept this as hard as it is. It has damaged our relationship as I simply won’t be around her now when she’s had a drink and so the next time I see her it’s inevitably awkward and it just goes on and on. She won’t accept any help, this is just her life now.

The sad thing is that when she’s sober she’s lovely. And because she still works part time and keeps her house tidy she doesn’t even think she has a problem. But to do the thing she’s done, to open a bottle as soon as you get in from work, to start drinking in the morning on your days off…none of this is normal to me.

It’s so painful and frustrating but for your own sanity you must make boundaries. Don’t speak to her or see her when she’s drunk. I feel very sorry for your dad having to live with it as he won’t be able to get away from it. Ultimately our mums are ill but only they have the power to get better and improve their lives and relationships. Maybe yours will with the right encouragement and support.

I’m surprised if she’s a heavy drinker, that one bottle is rendering her passed out in bed.
I would imagine she’s drinking more than you realise.

This. My mother seemed incredibly affected by a couple of glasses of wine at dinner before I cottoned on that she’d been drinking vodka all day long beforehand.

I'm sorry to see so many of you have also had to deal with this, and I totally understand the thought behind her drinking more than it seems but I actually think its the combination of the wine and the strong pain medication she takes that make it affect her so badly. The medication is another issue - (think along the lines of opioid addiction).

My alcoholic father never stopped. He drank himself to death and lost everything before then. His family, job, house. Nothing you can say makes a difference. My dad went into rehab several times because my mum threatened the divorce. The thing is that they have to really recognise that they have a problem themselves and want to change. Your mum isn’t ready for that.

I know this thread is a little old. But I am searching for others who have been through this. We just discovered my mum (mid 70s) is drinking 2 bottles of wine an afternoon/evening. She is small and slim. It seems a huge amount. I don’t think I have ever drank more than a bottle of wine ever. Wondering what on earth it could be doing to her health

That is very sad - i am really sorry to hear that. Did you ask her about it - is it something she is open with

My mum is a functioning alcoholic and we are not close as a result. She does noy believe she is an alcoholic even though she gets drunk every day- or maybe she knows deep down.

Could you get advice from a doctor- or Al Anon groups, for relatives of people who are alcoholics.

She says she only has a few glasses a day. Whether she believes this is true or not I don’t know. Her memory isn’t good now. I think she must know though but is in denial.

there appears to be some liver issues now showing up in blood tests. I don’t know how to manage it at all. Or if there is anything at all I can do. I have teenage children and I now don’t really want to spend any time around her when I know she has been drinking

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this
The above are the 3cs of alcoholism

There is nothing you can do to help her but you can help your own self here. Contact Al-anon for more support and at the very least read their literature if you cannot attend their meetings. Keep yourself and your kids away from her.

I haven’t told the kids yet. But our visits to them have decreased significantly. So I feel I may need to tell them. They are old enough to wonder why we never see her now. but what does it mean for my dad, does he need to just see us separately? I did try to call Al-anon but it wasn’t hugely helpful. The lady I spoke to was nice but not much advise. I think I need to read up on the literature.

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Inwould urge you and others to check out NACOA, it’s a service for adult children of alcoholics.

My mum is terminally ill and is an alcoholic who is now self medicating codeine and has been doing for some time. The last appointment with the doc she was off her face, unable to answer anything succinctly, gurning, really triggering for me.

Going through the same. My mum has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember (now 71), but of course she doesn’t have a problem! She’s ruined countless family occasions. My sister got engaged, she ruined their engagement party and embarrassed her in front of her fiancé’s family - as a result of this she won’t plan her wedding. Have no advice to give other than you’re not alone. Sending a hand hold

so sorry to hear of others going through similar. I think I will look up the nacoa. Hugs to everyone