Do we stay together?

[Tattooedteacher0621]

So apologies in advance for the length of this post…

married (37, F) to hubby (38, M) for 11 years, together 15yrs. Past 2.5 years we’ve had no sex whatsoever. We’ve tried to conceive in the past but to no avail

I’ve often tried to bring up the lack of sex but he’s so sensitive it’s really n difficult. I’ve just come back from a weekend away and decided I’ve had enough.

I confronted him - turns out he’s not happy too but thinks his issues are down to low testosterone. He’s got a docs appt in 3 weeks.

I offered 3 options - 1 was marriage counselling, 1 was split up and the other was an open marriage. I was personally hoping for number 3 because he’s a good man who, other than not having sex, has done nothing wrong.

Anyway, we decided to see how things go over the next 6 months;see if things can improve. Thing is I want sex. Like now. I have a high drive and I can’t help thinking a FwB arrangement would help me and would not impact the marriage part.

Im certain I’ll face some judgement in the comments here but I’d appreciate any and all perspectives. Let’s keep it respectful please
:-)

Option 4 - wait until he's seen the doctor; and think about how you'd feel if the roles were reversed and he betrayed you with a FWB behind your back.

So you offered him 3 options and he didn’t choose any of them. And you’re just going to limp along like this for the next 6 months? Can’t see how that’s a solution.
It would be the decent thing to at least wait until he’s checked out medically but an affair/FWB is unlikely to be the solution. Unless both parties agree that’ll end your marriage.

I’ll start by telling you I’m a man, in this case I think it does make a difference.
We’re all different but for me - being with someone and having them sleep with other guys would I think kill me. Even if - like your DH - there wasn’t the drive to do it myself, it’s something most people would find difficult. But I find it hard to fuck without emotional attachment. If you’re the same then it definitely isn’t for you.
I sympathize, more than 2 years - especially in your 30s - must be difficult, I’d just be wary about what FWB would do to both of your heads, if a testosterone boost won’t help things along then you may have to choose between sex and your husband.

Having sex with someone else is never going to improve your marriage. Give him chance to fix the problem. If it can’t be fixed and you can’t live with that, let him go and move on. Your preferred solution is destructive.

Maybe you should do more around the house so he gets a break, maybe run him a hot bath with a glass of wine?

I don’t think you sound like a good partner really. He’s going to a dr and then happy to discuss next steps. You were hoping for an open relationship more than you were hoping for marriage therapy. Rather than deal with it you’re still wanting to change the terms of your marriage to do a fwb thing even though he doesn’t want that. You’re looking outside the marriage instead of focusing on making it work, so it won’t work.

I should probably add that in the past 2.5 years he’s sought advice about having Sleep Apnea because I thought that was impacting his libido. He rarely wears his CPAP. It’s like he doesn’t give a c**p tbh.

Who leaves it 2.5 years and doesn’t think about the impact it has on their partner?
I do take everyone’s point about how FBW won’t improve the marriage.

I’m more than willing to wait for him to get the medical advice (part of me thinks too little too late) but 11years is a lot to give up.

I don’t honestly know here - part of me holds some resentment for letting it get to this point. I am sure I have some blame in it too.

It sounds like you may be past the point of wanting to fix this. You need to be honest with yourself about what you really want. It’s okay if you’ve reached the end of the road with him, it’s sad but it happens.

I find it interesting that you’d say this. Knowing absolutely nothing about the domestic set up we have. 🙈 wow.

In fairness to OP, counselling / therapy is unlikely to make him wake up hard, and if he hasn’t wanted to try to please her for so long, he’s not going to start now.

Ignore the rage bait above about a bath. That’s just ridiculous.
Ask yourself, if you leave him and he does get this resolved medically how would you feel seeing him with a new partner and possibly having an active sex life?
If that doesn’t bother you, then you’ve checked out already and you probably need to separate.
If it does, and he’s otherwise a good husband, perhaps give him a bit longer to get checked out.
And yes you did leave it too long to get to this point. But it’s where you are now and you’ve got to decide to stay or go. He’s not going to if he hasn’t chosen any option.

i assume it was a joke (given that’s what men always get told when women don’t want to have sex)

I can't see that looking for FWB would work if what you really want is a committed intimate relationship. But you could tell him that you're starting to think like that because you really can't manage to go on as things are. Talking about it might bring you a bit closer.

Hello 1950's!