What to do with Mum?

[Crappydaughter]

My mum is a very anxious person, very forthright with me but in social situations she isn't great.

She is 76 but very fit, house is spotless and she is very capable.

She looks after my dad who is older, has some health problems and start of dementia.

We nearly lost him a few years ago and she leaned on me heavily for support. I found the whole situation very hard and ended up having a breakdown.

Im much better now but have to take medication and sometimes have panic attacks.

Over the years her friends have sadly passed away, her best friend died in December. They were shopping buddies (she loves to shop).

Her life is hard as she doesn't really go out and has to look after my dad, helping him with meds etc. She asks me to help with stuff like banking and bills etc. I do feel sorry for her but I think she would love a daughter who wants to go shopping etc and that's not me. She phones at least twice a day and is very negative which brings me down.

I am so torn because I know I should be supporting her more, but I feel so drained when I see her, she only lives an hour away but I sometimes dread going over. She can also be quite critical of me. She is very slim and dresses really well where I am fat and live in tracksuits and jeans.

My DB lives abroad and she keeps saying she wants to visit. I have suggested she goes with my adult child as she couldn't possibly go alone. I would then be able to stay and look after my dad.
She keeps putting all kinds of excuses up the latest being she hasn't got any clothes. I am very patient with her, tell her I will help her pack etc and the break will do her good.

The latest thing today is that she can't go because I'm so flaky and change my mind about things so not sure if I would look after my dad. I would never do this to her, I have cancelled on her a few times when I'm feeling panicky and don't want to drive.

I just feel like I'm letting her down all the time.
My DB is a 2 hour flight away. He has lived abroad for 5 years and has come to visit 3 times, one of those times was when we thought my DD would die and I literally begged him as I wasn't coping.

She doesn't put anything on him, he phones her once a day but she doesn't really moan as much to him.

Hr will ring me and tell me to go over and take her out for lunch etc but it stresses me out.

How do I deal with all this please?

Would AgeUK's befriending service be of any help? I know lots of people have found it useful in that a volunteer will come and see their DM once a week, and it both gives them a bit of variety in who they are seeing and also gives you a little bit of a break in that you know she is seeing someone, so you can take care of yourself too. Their face-to-face befriending service would be a volunteer taking her out for a coffee, or shopping or the theatre or the like. Befriending services | Combating loneliness | Age UK.

I could put it to her but I don't think she would agree.
She doesn't like meeting new people.

I know she is really missing her best friend. Because I am the other side of London we sometimes would meet up. She will only go into town with someone travelling with her.

If she needed to take something back to a shop or complain etc her friend would go with her and speak on her behalf. So she has really lost her support.

My poor dad doesnt really speak much so she had no real conversation. She does have a neighbour who she pops down to for a coffee but that's it.

Don't engage with it.

"I'd like to go and visit Bob."

"That'll be nice. When?"

"Oh I couldn't possibly go, I have no clothes."

"Ok."

I just feel bad because I should be doing more for her but I mentally can't at the moment.

You’re doing what you can and your mother is not doing anything to help her own self here. You can only do so much and your May
priority at this time is or should be you.

You're doing all you can.
PPs suggestion about befriending was great.
Might also be other things like that in the area.
If she refuses to engage that's her choice.

I understand that but you asked for advice on what to do. What to do isn't to keep doing the same thing.

Sort out what you can to make her life easier. For example, a carer's assessment, the number of Silverline so she has someone to talk to, look after your dad for a couple of hours so she gets a break, organise grocery deliveries, get medication delivered etc

Stop picking up to the phone, let it go to voicemail. If she gets critical cut the call short. Don't engage with her drama.

She won't have food delivered.

She can leave my dad but not to go away as he would forget to take his tablets and he sometimes goes out without a key or he won't make himself something to eat.

Thabk you for all your replies. I guess what I should have asked is "should I feel bad?"

A house was for sale near her and she wanted me to move. I just thought I would be at her beck and call all the time! Then I feel awful as she won't be around for ever.

If I don't answer the phone she keeps calling or we'll send messages saying she is worried about me. She will even phone my DD and ask what mum is up to!

You are doing all you physically can, and all that you can mentally cope with.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Might it be worth asking social services whether there could be a care needs assessment for your dad? Your mum will probably refuse point blank and insist she can manage.

You are going to have to start saying no - and don't allow your sibling to manipulate you into feeling bad about it. It's all right for him, he's conveniently hundreds of miles away so can't do anything himself, but he will also be thinking the same as your mum.

you need to train her out of it so as a previous poster said don't be as available. It's not your job to emotionally support her. And remember that what you feel isn't true, just because you feel bad/ feel you should do more doesn't mean you should, feelings aren't facts. If she's desperate she can call your brother.

Respite care for your dad, carers so she can go out. Stop feeling you have to solve everything for her.