DH worse since ADHD diagnosis.

[whatisforteamum]

So I waited 2 years to get an assessment.All triggered by a new job where my colleagues refused to speak to me or engage with me for 18 months.
I filled in many forms then had a 2 hour in depth assessment where I was also told I have autistic traits and I'm now awaiting that referral.
I told my DH and he said I had always been weird.
As the days went by I half hoped for some questions or discussion as it is quite a big thing at 58 to discover you have neurological differences.
Now he is just going to use it against me.
Rather than think I do so much being hyper active,work, exercise,cleaning.
No idea why I was expecting different things tbh.Perhaps some understanding.
I'm sure he thinks he got the default model.Feeling quite isolated tbh.

I have Hyperactive Impulsive ADHD with autistic traits.**

Sorry you're having a rough time. I'm assuming you've been together a long time so what do you actually want to change? And what is within either of your capacities to change? Do you mean you wanted him to ask you questions about it? Maybe he just loves you as you are and isn't fussed either way about a diagnosis.

Having a late diagnosis of Autism and/or ADHD can be life changing for an individual. Not so much for people around them.
Have you spoken to your husband about the experience and asked him whether he has any questions?
I don't wish to sound invalidating at all - AuDHD Mum to AuDHD twins - but the diagnosis/es are not always meaningful to our loved ones.
I would hope, though, that your husband would show interest if you raised the topic(s) with him. Has this been the case?

We've been together 38 years.
I had hoped he could try to understand however he doesn't have the capacity really for understanding.
I'm not generally an emotional person so I guess he only has to make sarky comments.

Your understanding of your world has changed but his has stayed the same. You are still the same 'you' to him as you've always been, even though you've gained more understanding of why you think and do what you do.

I'm ADHD but never talk about it to anyone at work or elsewhere unless it is really really relevant. But I do deal with many others who start every conversation with 'I'm ADHD....' and make it their entire personality - everything has to come back to them and their ADHD. Perhaps your DH is afraid that the diagnosis might become your entire focus going forward. You can try reassuring him that you are still the same person, you just need to talk about what the diagnosis means to you sometimes.

Thank you Vroom that is very useful.I do get stuck on topics so deliberately not mentioning it could be a good idea.
It's been hard not to when a couple of my new colleagues knew as I kept forgetting things and talking too much 😭 They knew I was doing something about it.
I also task switch so it's been an explanation not an excuse.

What makes you think he will use it against you? Has he used things against you in the past?

For many people, especially men in their 50s talking about emotions doesn’t come naturally. I think you’re going to have to tell him what you need from him.

This, and if he can't understand maybe it's indicative of him needing an assessment himself.
You could benefit from both attending an explanitary appointment about how to ensure you are seen as having equal value and decision making power.

I've been sending him information via social media in boxed so he can read it when he likes.
I think it's working.
Yes I would like him to get assessed however it's a firm no from him.