Help me keep my sanity and my wife

[MoolPerpya]

I don't know what to do. My wife is going through perimenopause and is on HRT patches and things have changed between us. She has been distant and engrossed in work. I hardly see her and when I do she is cold, she shows no affection - blocks my hugs by folding her arms across her chest for example. We finally talked and she says she no longer has feelings for me and we are not working out - this feels so sudden to me and we are coming up to our 28th wedding anniversary. I feel hopeless and lost. I love her dearly, I don't want her to leave me. How can I help her? Is this the change in hormones? Is there anything I shouldn't do? Please help if you've been through anything similar.

Have you suggested marriage counselling to her?

It will be a build up of things
do you have kids? Have they left home or still there
a lot of women get to their 50’s and start to assess where they are in life - years of work and juggling kids and taking care of others
first step is to talk and then suggest some form or marriage counselling either jointly or separately
If she won’t then you may be starting to get your answer …

If she’s been distant for a while and using defensive body language, has this really come as a huge shock?

I agree with the PP. I would research a decent local marriage counsellor and ask your W if she is willing to give therapy a try.

If it’s a no then at least you know that her mind is made up

Suggest counselling.
My wife was very coldish towards me for a while and then went cold turkey on some mental health medication and became even more distant.

She ended up having an affair. And now we're trying to sort ourselves out.

Dont let it get to the same point.

Have a long hard look at your marriage and yourself. Is there any excitement? Are you in a rut? Is there anything you can do to help fix it?

Do things for yourself too. Ive started taking better account of myself and how much I can get done around the house. Ive also joined a gym and improved my diet. Ive cut back on the hours I do for work.

Have you looked to yourself, and how your behaviour might have impacted her?

You say she blocks your hugs - are they usually a precurser to an attempt at intimacy, or an genuine showing of affection?

How have you improved her life, shown up for her, taken the mental load off her?

this feels so sudden to me

It probably isn't. And blaming her hormones for everythings is only going to make things worse.

And be brutally honest with yourself about this.

I used to think doing all the bedtimes, clubs and driving plus occasionally running the hoover round or doing the dishwasher was enough.

I failed to put myself in her shoes. My wife has the most stressful full time job. And on top of that always organises the shopping the cleaning. Makes sure the kids have everything they need and I'll admit also took care of me too.

I took the easy jobs that didnt take much effort but didn't see that at the time and i didn't put myself in her shoes and have a long hard look at myself until it was too late. Do not be me.

Great, insightful, post.

OP, any time that you consider doing something around the home, or to do with your family, remembering birthdays, organising Christmas, etc is "helping her", you're putting the load on her.

When's the last time you organised a day out, or a date night, that wasn't to do with trying to have sex? Or was mostly you asking her what she wanted to do, therefore putting more stuff on her to think about?