Domestic Abuse/Violence

[Madhatterz]

Needing help and advice

I’ve had 4 years of domestic abuse and violence. I finally called the police last week, but got frightened and didn’t give a statement.
social serivces have since been involved and I have told them everything that’s been going on.
there has been several violent outbursts, punching, throwing things at me, punching walls, breaking tvs and phones and most recently strangulation

they said they will get the police back in contact, they will get me a IDVA and a domestic abuse advisor this was on Tuesday, but so far I’ve had no further contact.
I spoke the police and the officer who was assigned my case last time is back on shift on Tuesday.

im just finding it increasingly hard to stick with what I need to do as time goes on, I know I need to report him and I know I need to get him gone, but with it going on a week and no contact it’s as if all the bad stuff has gone away and he’s back to being a great dad.

Contact Womens Aid. They'll support you and offer advice.

Well done for calling the police, it takes bravery.

You could also contact the national centre for domestic violence ncdv.org.uk

You’re doing everything right. Keep in touch with children’s services and follow up re idva. Well done for being open with them, it’s so hard but you were brave to be honest. Keep going.

Hi OP, I think I understand some of what you are feeling. In my experience, when we suffer abuse in cycles, our minds can kind of disassociate and forget the abuse when it's not happening. I think it's a trauma response, and your mind's way of protecting you from something very scary so you can keep functioning. It's a very weird experience and makes you question yourself. But really it's because the truth of the abuse is too much for your mind to cope with and so your mind puts it away. But that doesn't make you safe.

You are absolutely doing the right thing staying in contact with services. I would also recommend writing down everything he has done. The Bright Sky app is really good for that.

Even if everything feels stable now, it won't stay that way, he is an abuser and he will do this again. OP he could have killed you and next time he could.

You deserve all of the support you can possibly get to be safely away from this man. It's really hard I know. But you can do it.

I know you probably already know this but, mums usually means the whole world to their children. A man who strangles their mother can never be a great dad. He is really the worst kind of dad possible. He is hurting the person they love most in the world. He is a threat to the safety and happiness of all of you. You all deserve better 💜

Don’t THINK just DO.
don’t THINK just DO.

keep repeating this to yourself.

your feelings will catch up eventually.

you have to protect your children and yourself.

non fatal strangulation (NFS) is one step away from murder OP, seriously.

Leaving an abusive relationship is like withdrawing from a drug. The cycle of abuse and the potential that he can be the 'good' version of himself that he becomes after an abusive incident literally keeps you addicted to your abuser.

And, like a drug, you have to go cold turkey and ride out all of the symptoms of grief, sadness, missing him, fixating on the good times etc to come out the other side. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking it moment by moment OP. What you're doing takes incredible strength, you have to fight so hard against the urge to go back. But you're doing the right thing.

Every time you start thinking about the good times, force yourself to remember an abusive incident. Write them down and read them back in moments when you're feeling doubtful. And keep posting here. So many of us have been where you are and will help you through this.

A great dad doesn't attack the mother of their children.
If you're struggling to deal with police etc for yourself do it for your dc.

Yes I am really struggling my head is a complete mess. I know what I need to do but it’s so hard knowing what’s to come. I will give them a call on Tuesday with tomorrow being a bank holiday

I think when they call me I will be fine I know that I need to be honest and I don’t think social services won’t allow me to not be honest now. It’s just the anticipation that I am really struggling with

Sending you a huge hug! Its very scary and you will keep wondering if you are doing the right thing.
I was there just a few short weeks ago and my goodness it was the scariest thing I have ever had to do - reporting him to the police, having him arrested and then not being allowed near the family home. I felt (and still do at times) like the most evil person alive, despite what he had been doing to me.
Then endless statements and talks, services that were initially involved then disappearing, police officers saying they would check in on me and then didn't - I felt like I had just done something so momentous, was encouraged to do it even, and then abandoned and left to my own devices. That makes you feel like you may as well go back to the abuser because at least you weren't alone.
But I didn't - I got my own support. I told close friends and family what had been happening, I wrote in my journal, I wrote on here, I read books about abuse, I watched YouTube videos and I pay a private counsellor on a weekly basis to help me sort my jumbled emotions out (I couldn't wait any longer for an appointed one as I needed help NOW).
You can do this! You must do this. He is a dangerous man.

I promise you that once you are through this initial chapter of the horror story that it will start to get easier. Take one day at a time, acknowledge how you are feeling and be assured that everything you are feeling is normal. Maybe reach out to your own GP also as they can be a gateway to other services as well as supporting you on a regular basis.

I am so sorry that you are going through this - it can be easy to feel like you are the only one - but I assure you that you are not 😘

Thankyou for that! Yes it’s so hard and I constantly question in my head if what I am doing is right, but I’m glad I’ve told social services as I don’t think they will let me back out now, as I’ve told them the full truth from the last 4 years.
I’m hoping the right people contact me this week as I am really struggling the longer this does go on.
non of my friends or family know yet and I feel very on my own with it all

I would suggest telling close, trusted friends and family members.
I stalled and really didn't want to admit any of it to them - I felt ashamed and that somehow this was all my fault. They would think I was an awful person as he came across as so lovely. I must be hell to live with to drive him to such behaviours or worse, I was lying!
But they really helped - checking in on me, reminding me of when they saw something 'odd' happen between us, a couple of them came and stayed with me for a bit - and, probably the most important for me at that early questioning phase, it stopped me doing my usual and apologising to him and going back to 'normal' - I ploughed on ahead with the scary path.

Sadly, services are slow, understaffed, needed more and more each day for people in our situations, but they just aren't there. Can finances stretch to getting your own counsellor? Quite honestly, I'd go without meals to be able to keep seeing mine at the moment. It is the highlight of my week to be able to go and offload every mad, confused thought in my head.

Just do everything possible to stop you from going back to him - I guarantee that that path will end up far scarier than this one.

Yes that is a really valid point I have told one friend this evening. I’m just so worried how I’m going to cope when I have to speak to social services and the police I’m going to really struggle. It’s been 10 days since the last Incident when i called the police but at home it’s as if nothing as happened I can not wrap my head around it.

1/2 of me feels like I’m about to ruin his life forever when I reported to the police, but the other half of me nose, I have to do this for my own safety and the safety of my son. It’s so hard and such a bizarre feeling to have.

I’m sorry to hear this. A lot of ladies end up finding it more a burden once police and social become involved. As the victim you end up having to take the weight of it all..
please don’t think you have to do something you don’t want too, but make sure you’re safe. Some ladies don’t pull out with the police because they want to continue a relationship, sometimes it mentally becomes too much. And that is ok too.

Please make sure you get an occupation order for your property rather than end up moving miles away. Police/social services/DA counsellors recommend you move BUT you end up with problems with housing/schooling/work - which actually is far more detrimental to your mental health and that of your children. Also ensure if you get so far that bail is NOT to your family home but further away. I've learned there are actually bail hostels if no family will house your former partner. And once you move out of area - local councils are very difficult for housing needs despite you being priority for fleeing DA/DV, particularly if they smell you have some monetary support - they will advise you get occupation order for former home and adjust bail conditions which police then won't agree to.

I also found that DA organisations will not give you space in hostels (which can be helpful for additional support) because you have some money behind you. Again can be discriminatory if you are not reliant on benefits and work or hope to continue working.

Different routes depending if you are in LA/HA housing or mortgaged/owned home. Rights of Women and Womens Aid and other such charities may well give you wrong advice depending on who you speak to. They have your best interests at heart but actually don't always understand the ramifications of their advice. How - learned the hard way stuck 100s of miles away with little support and a home that ex is living in fully paid. UC will only normally apply for up to 6 months if you have interest (ie owned/mortgaged) and can show on market for sale/financial orders but it can be extended. Bear that in mind if moving out of area or even just moving out of FMH!

You then have the problem of divorce (if married) and financial agreements (or non agreements) forcing through courts for sale of former home. Before getting to that also who pays for what - he/she stays in FMH and who pays mortgage/buildings&contents insurance/boiler cover and pets & insurance/maintenance. Do not under estimate the issues and prepare yourself.

No one told me how bloody minded your ex can be and it's the small things!