Stuck

[WildNavyDog]

I posted a while ago about the relationship with my husband. Quick summary - things weren't good for a long time. I then found out he was gambling and he had a ridiculous belief that I was in love with his brother (ridiculous because we don't even talk outside of family gatherings and when we do see each other it's only pleasantries, absolutely no banter which would lead him to think there was anything from either side).
He was committed to fixing things. He went to gambling counselling which I arranged. He made promises that he would have the difficult conversations ( was always a kind of 'ignore and it'll go away' person) and that he'd find his new normal (rather than withdrawing would put himself out there, engage with not just me but others, find healthy hobbies etc). He made a promise he'd make it up to us and wouldn't waste me giving him a chance.
So fast forward to now. The counselling sessions are over. He's not made any attempt to make things different other than he's not gambling anymore and that's because I have control of all the finances and he simply can't.
Positives: he does the shopping and cooks most meals because he finishes work earlier than I do. He does the laundry.
Negatives: we haven't so much as hugged in months. When we talk it's about the weather, the news, basic chit chat. It's minimal. I have completely withdrawn in that I'm pleasant but I go to bed early, keep myself busy with my own hobbies and passively avoid him. He hasn't once asked if I'm OK, made an attempt to have a proper discussion or set aside time for us.
I do think he has ASD and this would explain a lot but he when I've spoke about it he isn't willing to consider it.
We are completely unbalanced in that I fix everything. If he has a problem, he seems to think that all he needs to do is tell me and I sort it. When I ask him what he's going to do about it he uses the fact that he has no access to money as the reason he can't do anything. I understand that to an extent but he takes no responsibility and if I say for example , what are you planning on doing about it, he'll say he doesn't know and then not mention it again, so nothing is dealt with.
An example, last year we were going on holiday. I paid for the holiday and he he was sorting the spending money. A month before we went I asked what he'd saved and he said nothing but hoped to have about £500 before we went. I know now that this was due to gambling but the very fact he assumed this would be sorted by me is madness. We are a family of 5 and were going self catering.
This year we're going away and I have sorted everything because I have all the money. But he hasn't once asked if parking, insurance, dog kennels, etc etc. is all sorted. It's like all he needs to do or think about is pack his own bags.
So here we are. I don't want to leave him because I don't think he can parent without me and I can't bear the though of my children having an absent father. But I'm so sick of not having another adult to live life with.
Not sure why I'm posting, I know I need to leave him. But i feel that right now, leaving would make my life harder so how do I learn to accept life is what it is for now, without feeling so sad. Sorry for the long post.

He was committed to fixing things

Well he was committed to you carrying on running his life.

If you don't want to leave then separate everything and lead your own lives. I have no doubt your children won't see him for dust if you split, but stay if you must.

This pretty much sums it up. He knows he's got things good with me. If we were to split my life would be 100% fine. His life would be crap.

It sounds pretty grim for you. What incentive is there for him to change as you do everything . It's time to have a serious talk I think. Tell him straight how you feel. If you don't the resentment will fester .

The incentive was that without change, I would leave him. It was like I gave him the ultimatum but he crept back into his usual ways of being withdrawn and taking me for granted. I know I kind of enable him to live this way but I don't know how to stop without the kids suffering.
He is a good dad, sort of. He interacts really well with our youngest, will play and laugh with her etc. But he is so detached he wouldn't even ask them how sports day went without my prompting. It's really grim to be honest.
I'm with him because I don't want to destroy his life basically.

I'm with him because I don't want to destroy his life basically.

He's like one of those parasitical fish that feed off others. You get one life OP, if you want to be some bloke's mother/personal assistant, that's up to you.

He'll soon find another host, they always do.

So it's better that your life stays unhappy and unfulfilled?
I don't think it's being selfish to 'deprive' your children of their loving, caring , responsible, positive role model father (said with a hint of sarcasm) - and if you did split and he has little to do with them or wrecks his own life - whose fault/choice would that be?
You seem to be in the role of mother to him also - is that fair to say?
The trouble with being the carer for someone who is supposed to be an equal adult partner in a loving relationship is that we then lose the respect and then ultimately the love for them that we once had.

Maybe some time standing on his two adult feet is just what he needs - a trial
separation to allow some space and breathing room for you with some firm arrangements in place to co-parent the kids in that time?

Relationships need a decent measure of equality, sharing. Yours doesn’t have this - you’ve got a passenger you’re carrying with little or no love on either side, who you stay with out of pity and because you think the kids are better off with a dead weight of a father , rather than an absent one.
As you know, you will never be happy here. The best it can be is tolerable but as time goes on, this may be harder to achieve. Don’t reach the stage when the kids leave home to be when you feel able to make your own choices and at that stage feel like an empty shell who’s wasted their best years.
And don’t let the kids grow up thinking this is what marriage and relationships look like.

Thanks for the replies everyone. Each of you are saying exactly what I feel or think. So I don't understand why I can't make the decision to ask him to leave. One reason is financial. We have had loans for home improvements, cars etc but all in my name, surprise surprise. So we couldn't be as comfortable without his income, at least until loans are paid off.
It's got to the point I wish he would do something, like gamble again, so that I can ask him to leave without feeling like the one that's tore us apart.

Are you married? Do you own your own home - is that in both names?

I'm thinking maybe a planned exit strategy, having something clear in your mind as to how and when you are going to do it may help you find a little peace now.

Loans can be amalgamated and negotiated down to an affordable amount if you are open and honest with the lenders. They would prefer to receive a small amount each month rather than nothing.

Start doing up a list of your income and outgoings, cull all the unnecessary stuff, look at what can be ditched 'when the time comes' - most of us can manage with so much less than we thought we could.

Squirrel some money away where you can - a bit of an emergency pot for when you are sailing your ship alone and the fridge breaks down or you cant pay the electric.
Take on a few extra hours at work if you can - even just a couple of hours a week soon mounts up.

Do one of the online benefit checkers as if you were already on your own with the kids - there may be some help you can get.

Being practical has always helped me through some tough times and stops you feeling so helpless and stuck!

So you are clearly capable, intelligent, aware. You know the score, you know what you want and need , so you’re posting here because? Because you are looking for reassurance that you’re thinking straight, support to do it?
So let me try - if you’re praying for him to do something bad enough to force the issue, it’s all over, so don’t wait . If it’s going the happen, the best time is ‘as soon as you’ve got your ducks in a row’.
Financially, a divorce split will start with the assumption of 50/50: all assets, pensions, debts, whoever’s name they’re in. Sounds like you’re the one who knows all the details of this, so do the maths. Also do the maths on child maintenance payments - you can play with the number of days they’d spend with their dad so you can see the various scenarios. And look at house prices - rent and buy: If you go, you may well have to leave the home and rent until it’s sold and you can release equity (might take a while).
Time to get those ducks lined up- your heart has already checked out, it’s time for the practical shit now!
PS you said things would be ‘less comfortable’: less comfortable- but affordable - is actually fine

These posts are really helpful, thank you so much, yous are trully wonderful.
I think I know what I need to do but this has really helped to think through it logically and practically. We are married, joint mortgage.
When he does leave, he will move in with his dad and I really doubt he'll prioritise finding somewhere suitable to have the kids. There wouldn't be room at his dad's to have the kids overnight. So I'll have the kids full time, with visits as and when as their granda lives close by. Not sure what way that will work but not my problem I suppose.
I have a good pension and he doesn't (surprise surprise yet again). I wouldn't even push for divorce as he will come out very well whereas I would not!
Urgh, I've really not done well out of this marriage at all, have I.

As far as I am aware, and things do change regularly so always best to get some legal advice, if you can split amicably and agreeably then a consent order is drawn up. Much less stressful and costly than disagreeing and fighting over everything.
So that can include, pensions, savings, house, child maintenance.
You may be able to have a discussion with him that you pay the mortgage and become sole owner and child maintenance is kept low and he doesn't get your pension, or similar to suit you guys and your situation.

A friend of mine had the same fears but she was able to tempt him with an offer that was favourable to both of them. Don't fret about things until you have had advice but it is always better for everyone if things are amicable.

That's good to know, thank you. He's not the type to be cruel, I don't think he would ask for anything to be honest. But then people can surprise you. I never ever thought he'd gamble away his family's money for example

He might step up and surprise you without you to bail him out all the time. After all, why do and think for yourself when wildnavydog will do it for you?

Or he'll find another woman to parent him.

Don't worry you're ruining his life, he'll be fine.

I think I need to let go of the idea that if we were to split, I need to sort his life out too! That's what's been holding me back but I've come to the acceptance and realisation that when we separate, hes no longer my problem! I don't wish any harm on him at all, but that doesn't mean I have to make sure he's ok I suppose. He doesn't check if I'm OK even though we're still together!