Should I say something or keep quiet?

[KiwiFall]

I’ve been with my husband (a very kind gentle man) for years, 2 late teens. I would say we don’t have any secrets except one. To be blunt when I lost my virginity, I was a victim of stealthing. I was young and he was my boyfriend so at the time although I knew it was wrong (I broke up with him the next day). I was so embarrassed and felt stupid I didn’t tell anyone. Obviously I now know it is classed as rape. Should I tell my husband and if so how do I even start the conversation or do I just keep quiet? I don’t want to upset him and I think he will be that I never told him earlier. I don’t even know why it’s playing on my mind so much lately but it’s now starting to feel like I’m lying to him by not telling him.

Why do you feel like you re lying to him? Did he specifically asked you and you didn’t tell him? I also don’t understand why would be be upset? Do you mean upset for you and the trauma?

We never really had a conversation about our “first times” as it’s not his style to ask
that kind of question. He would
feel it inappropriate to ask someone that. But I feel like I haven’t told him the whole truth. Yes he would be upset thinking he should have helped and supported me.

Tell him and both of you need to keep the focus on this being about you, your trauma and your journey. So sorry this happened to you OP, I really am. You don’t need to be alone x

I see. I think you haven’t lied to him. And I also think that before your partner you don’t “owe” them the truth as those experiences were unique to you and nothing to do him. Having said that - if it’s been playing on your mind maybe you haven’t had a chance to process it all? And talking about it could help? Whether with him or not that’s your choice to make and I don’t think either is wrong. Sit on it for a bit and do what is right to you! I think if he gets upset you must gently remind him that this about you and how you feel.

So, I told him last night. Not all details but the basic part. He didn’t ask who or any details. He just held me and listened. I said I wanted talk more about it but not yet. He said he was angry that it had happened to me but not angry with me and it didn’t change the way he feels about me. I apologised for not saying something earlier and he said I had nothing to be sorry about. He asked if I wanted to go to the police (which I said I didn’t). He said today we can look into counselling for me if I want to talk to someone other than him.

It sounds like you have a decent husband OP.

I think sometimes these things come back to us (and we see them in a different perspective) now we understand more about sexual assault / rape especially within relationships. Certainly I view things from my younger years much differently now than when I would have just brushed them off in my late teens / 20’s.

Why would it ‘change the way he feels about you’, OP? You’re behaving as if you’ve done something wrong here, rather than being the entirely blameless victim of a crime, many years ago.

This totally. Some of the situations I put myself in and choices I made I would hate for my daughter to repeat.

No it shouldn’t. I was more worried he would be upset I didn’t tell him earlier. We’ve gone through a lot and always done it together. I think my husband picks up on my feelings and also was thrown as it came out of the blue for him. I can’t imagine he knew what to say and he was just trying to reassure me.

Came to the thread too late to advise on the situation, but your update after you told him really made me smile - I hope it's lifted some of the weight you were carrying and frees up the head space you need to process it rather than worrying about it being a secret. 💐