Partner not interested in sex

[Grabthenextsize]

Name changed for this as I’m slightly embarrassed.

I am a woman (36) in a relationship with another woman (31) for 11 years. No children or dependants. Both have full on professional jobs (approx 50 hours a week each).

At first we had an amazing sex life and couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Then as in most relationships 2-3 years in things tailed off. Gradually we had sex less and less and in the last 3 years my partner has really gone off sex. On average we were having sex about 6 times a year. This year so far we have had sex once.

I’m not coping very well at all as I have a very high sex drive and I’ve found the last few years very difficult. At first I would try and initiate sex to be turned down all the time. Then she told me this made her feel pressure to have sex which I absolutely didn’t want so I stopped and said if she’s in the mood to initiate. The issue is she never does. I know she masturbates (I have no issue with this) but is seemingly uninterested in sex.

We both have busy jobs but I work more and do all the household chores/mental load. No kids. I’m the same size as when we met, exercise and take care of myself. We make time for a ‘date night’ every week. No health issues, medications or contraception. She’s not depressed. She says she still fancies me and I’m ‘beautiful’. But still no interest.

I love her and we have a great relationship in every other way but this is a big issue for me. We’ve spoken multiple times and she always says she does want more (not as often as me but maybe once every two weeks). But then it doesn’t change. I just want that intimacy with her it’s really important to me.

Any advice?

Ask for an open relationship or split up, I guess. Sorry.

You seem to have covered all angles I can think of, and she's just not interested in you sexually any more.

You've spoken to her and she doesn't want more sex.
I'm not sure the end of relationships is all about sex, but the lack of intimacy. The kisses, the cuddles, the being together in bed which separates you from being two people who like each other. I think if that is missing, then it's game over. Find someone who truly adores you.

My first thought was she has the libido/drive there as she still masturbates.
Are you still snuggling, cuddling, holding hands and generally being 'together' in a loving way?

If not, then have you been 'friended' and she cares/relies/is used to being with you so much that she doesn't want to lose that?

I think you will only get the answers you need if you can both talk honestly and openly with each other - which I know can be difficult in this situation as you don't want her to think that you are pressurising her regarding sex.

And I'm not a sex therapist so I think I'll stop with my opinions - but talk to each other.

Thanks for the replies.

@itsnotalwaysthateasy but when we speak she says she does want more sex? She says her ideal is every two weeks and we’re averaging once every six months. Every two weeks isn’t my ideal but I’d definitely be happy with it.

@Sunflowers67 yes we kiss and cuddle. She’ll grab my bum and call me sexy. We hold hands. In that way nothing has changed there’s a lot of affection. She says she masturbates once or month or so if she can’t sleep as a way of trying to sleep. She says she ‘forgets’ about sex but does want it. Which does track because if we go on holiday she does want sex probably once of the trip which is fine by me. What I don’t understand is we have great, open and frank conversations about it and she says that she wants more and that we should prioritise it and this isn’t her ideal either. Then nothing changes. Maybe counselling is a good idea.

Lesbian married couples have by far the highest divorce rates. Gay men by far the lowest.

There may be reasons for this.