What’s a reasonable amount of time to give elderly parents?

[SmokyWood]

My DM is 80 odd, some health problems but still relatively mobile and fine mentally. She lives with my SD whose health is less good but generally both are OK. We’re not massively close - she’d like to be but she hasn’t always been a great parent and can be very manipulative.

I live a couple of hours away but make the effort to visit or meet them every 4-6 weeks. We speak on the phone every couple of weeks and text in between, we also have a family group chat.

DM is making it clear she wants more contact and I’m getting tired of the guilt tripping. I have a busy full time job and more importantly I don’t want to increase it.

Should I be doing more? There are other family members she could rely on and they can easily afford to pay for help.

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As you live 2 hours away, I think your current arrangements are perfectly reasonable.

I live an hour and a quarter from.my elderly parents and see them once a month.

I think as a society we underestimate the social isolation some elderly people experience. And I include the elderly in that too. Social isolation can be debilitating.

I think given you're distance from your DM that what you are doing is fine.

However your DM is clearly lonely, but it's in her hands as a problem to solve - not yours. I'm not sure who you mean by SD ? step Dad? I would strongly suggest they try out local groups whose function is to offer social contact for elderly people - lunch clubs, tea dances, singing groups. There's also the WI and groups for men as well - we've got a "Men's Shed" near us & its very popular. They sound cliché but they 'work' - in the sense they give structure to your week (try getting my Dad to do anything on his 'dance group' afternoon), give people someone else to moan about, sources of info on services etc.

Some people can find this out for themselves, others need to be encouraged to get out of the house under their own steam

That sounds reasonable to me.

If she wants specific help, you could help her find a handyman or gardener. But otherwise, you have a career and a life two hours away.

Has she suggested moving closer or meeting you half way?

She Is reeling you in so you can be there to provide care. Hold your boundary and don’t feel guilty. At her age there are active retirement groups and care providers who can call.

I wonder if it might help to consider what your mum is wanting from this extra contact. Is it to spend more time with you? is it to spend less time alone? is the extra contact so she knows someone is looking in on her or does she want to get closer to you?

If it’s about seeing more of you specifically could face time be an option? Swap a couple of the calls for a video chat instead. Or make one of the visits a 1-2 night weekend away somewhere different instead? So you’re not increasing your time per se but rather “improving” the quality of it.

I think only speaking every few weeks is a bit light- could you do a weekly Sunday call maybe?

We’re not massively close - she’d like to be but she hasn’t always been a great parent and can be very manipulative

Maybe best to keep at a distance, based on the past, it might be harder to 'back out' of things if they become 'expected'.

Seems like from some of the other replies people are missing this bit and assuming the OP is Ok with contact.

What you’re doing is just fine.

I also have an octogenarian parent who I'm not massively close to as he's not been a great parent and is v manipulative. Guard your boundaries and watch your back. Strength to you, OP, it's not an easy balancing act.

Sorry yes SD is stepdad. They both still do a fair bit - she’s in the WI and U3A, reads, cooks and does her garden. She doesn’t have many close friends though as she has a habit of falling out with people. Also at their age many friends/family are no longer here.

I suggested them moving closer a few years ago (I need to be here for work) but they chose to move within the same area which does have some advantages for them but means her complaining about me being far away is a bit frustrating.

I think she wants me for emotional support more than practical but for various reasons I’m not prepared to take that on.

What you are doing works for you, OP, so it's fine.
Either less time or more time would be fine too, because there are no rules and so it's up to each individual person to decide.

You can only do what you want do
i live 40 minutes from DM and work full time
I gio over twice weekly straight from work and all day Sunday
My DSis goes twice a week after work and all day Saturday

It all depends on the relationship between you. I live an hour away but visit my dad once a week to do his meds, tidy up and just spend some time together. He’s very tech savvy (he’s 80) so outside of visits, we chat every day with either video calls or WhatsApp voice memos. There’s plenty of contact and it works for us.

It could be that as she ages, your mum might have regrets and wants to improve your relationship. She might also be lonely.

I think that last paragraph is probably true but I don’t really feel like it’s my problem to solve. She isn’t always a very nice person.

I think every 4 to 6 weeks at your physical distance is great going! I never saw that much of my parents, but, like you, I wasn't especially close to them.

Don't feel guilty - I know my Mum regretted our slightly distant relationship but she wasn't anything like the sort of mother I wanted and needed. She was depressive, alcoholic, self-absorbed, stubborn and offloaded her problems on to me since I was a child.

She is no longer with us and I did see more of her in her final two years, but not a great deal. I still don't feel guilty I actually feel relieved every Sunday when I know I'm not going to get the dreaded weekly phone call. It's not my guilt to feel. I hope you can accept yourself the way you are and what you are doing to keep in touch with your parents is certainly good enough.

I’m wondering the same, sorry to hop on your post, but the situation is driving me mad. Dad retired early to care for Mum (living in the granny flat) cause she’s had bad mental health for 50+ years and Dad did everything. At the drop of a hat. Took her out every day for coffee/shopping. Sat with her while she woke up with a cuppa, let her lie in bed when she needed to. He passed away 7 years ago and she’s still trying to recreate that level of “being looked after” ( her words, not mine). She says me and the kids are all she has.
I’m 55, two autistic teenagers one who I’m the carer for she depends on me a lot due to cognitive and emotional issues to say the least. My husband works full time. ATM I’m taking a cuppa every morning, taking her for coffee (making conversation for an hour is exhausting, I don’t do small talk well, and she just ends up asking what I feel can be intrusive questions to break the silence) and shopping twice a week , our religious meetings twice a week, fill her meds, make any appointments she needs, make phone calls etc. currently making a hot meal every day too. the dividing door is open so she knocks and comes through at any time. Didn’t want rules about that so as not to upset her. She can get herself up, cause she does it if I manage to go away, she would cook for a family but not herself, ideally wants to either go out every day or she’ll stay in bed. The hours of the day are too long but she won’t lan her day/week out so there’s something to do…She screams that she wants company and someone to talk to but has an answer why she can’t do anything we suggest. DH and some reliable friends and the counsellor want me to just tell her when I’m available and outside those hours she’s to leave us alone. I’m dreading it, anyone had similar experience? I thought of saying we could have a lunch together at home once a week on to of what I already do…. Sorry to go on a bit 🥴

Omg @learnat16 thats a hell of a lot worse than I have. I really don’t think anyone would say you were unreasonable to cut back a bit but it’s never that simple is it 🤦🏻

You see her quite a lot given you’re a couple of hours away. Can you increase calls to once a week and visits monthly?

I think the quality of your relationship is a decider. My mother lives half an hour away from me and I hardly ever see her because she’s never been very nice to me. Now she’s elderly she wants me to play happy families whilst continuing to be nasty. I barely see her. The amount of times you see her sounds fine to me.