How to reignite the spark after DC?

[NC9753468]

Wasn’t sure if this should be in sex or relationships but the latter seems to get more traffic. NC for obvious reasons.

Our DC just turned 1 and DH and I have only had sex 3 times since he was born. I had a natural birth without pain relief that resulted in an episiotomy and also a tear. It took about an hour after he was born for them to sew me back up.

The first time we had sex it was painful, the second time felt weird but better, the last time was ok once we were into it but I wasn’t anywhere close enough to relaxed / turned on to come.

I feel like I’ve just lost the desire though. I don’t really think about sex at all, I don’t feel sexy, but I also for the sake of my future self and my DH (who has never put any pressure on me throughout, although would jump at the chance!) don’t want to carry on like this.

I breastfed and expressed exclusively for 8 months have just now wound back to one feed a day first thing in the morning. I was hoping this would make me feel less like a dairy cow and more like a woman but not so far.

I doesn’t help that due to circumstances DC is still in our room and will be until we can move house. The only alone time we get is a couple of hours in the evening between his bedtime and ours, on the couch, with one eye on the monitor as about every 3rd night he’ll need settling again at some point. I never feel 100% relaxed.

It’s almost like I’ve just forgotten what to do at this stage. We’ve got an evening with a bottle of wine and a film and a snuggle on the couch planned but it’s been so long totally off the table that I don’t know how to progress that without it being awkward.

Any advice (or reassurance that we won’t be celibate forever) appreciated x

Was sex life good for you before your child was born?

Have a check up with a gynechologist to make sure you don't have any numbing or scars etc to worry about. It might boost your confidence.
Privacy is gold and choose times when you are refreshed and not fatigued. When is your baby the most content?
Your child, now on solid food, should be nearer to sleeping through the night giving you a few hours without worry at a time per night.
Ideas ..
Turn off the baby monitor during romantic times.
Have a bath before hand.
Hire baby sitter or ask grandparents to look after the baby for an afternoon every once in a while.
Book a Motel with two bedrooms sometimes.
Go out to dinner or cook your favourite simple food.
Watch romantic films.
Listen to music.
Take walks together of an evening (with pram) so you and DH can reconnect, talk, watch sunets, have an ice-cream and look at each other.
You and DH read the same book - then you can discuss.
You and DH listen to the same radio station every afternoon -then you might be able to discuss issues together. (Radio doesn't just have bad news and alarming stories but many interesting issues and you can listen while you work.)
Go out to the local, with baby, and relax with husband and an orange juice and chips sometimes.

@HedgehogOnTheBikeYes it was. Revolved more around lazy weekend mornings than evenings which is obviously out of the question now so that may be part of what I need to re-frame in my head.

Thanks @user1492757084. Some of that we already do, but some ideas too.

In a few weeks we’ve booked a days annual leave on a nursery day so we can spend the whole day together with no baby and no worries about the babysitter calling (less likely at nursery than a fretful family member).

It's pretty typical to lose libido when breastfeeding or when exhausted with a baby.

I wouldn't focus on sex, I'd focus on bringing back intimacy into your relationship. Re connecting as a couple, so that sex feels natural.

As a husband and a dad who also puts no pressure on my wife for sex. It won't take much to get him going.
I wouldn't worry about being awkward just say do you want to.. and that will probably be enough.

I can't help much with the other side of this though except to say perhaps extend foreplay for longer?

In a few weeks we’ve booked a days annual leave on a nursery day so we can spend the whole day together with no baby and no worries about the babysitter calling

Sounds like a good opportunity to reconnect sexually.

Plan it a bit in advance, like preparing beforehand as if going on a date for the first time so you feel good. Spend the morning in bed, take it slow, don't go straight to PIV. And it should be ladies first for orgasms. Have some lube available if you're worried about intercourse hurting.

Go out for a nice lunch after.

It's really common to lose interest in sex after a baby though.

To be honest it’s taken over 2 years for me to get my sex drive back. I’m still breast feeding so I don’t think it’s necessarily related for everyone.

I did have to push myself into having sex for a while. We had it maybe once every one to two months after the year mark up until a few months ago.

For me it was being rather consumed in being a mum I didn’t really have the mental capacity for anything else. I’ve had PPD and PPA. I’m now medicated and it seems to have helped.

I would say the same as pp. It took me almost two years to feel like a sexual person again not just a feeding machine! And I’ve done it three times. Being constantly cuddled and touched by your little one is lovely but overwhelming. Having space once they went to bed was a godsend and the last thing I wanted was my H to start touching me!

But once I got to that two year mark I actively tried to get myself in the mood. I read romance novels and listened to podcasts. It’s definitely made a positive difference in my marriage now we have some intimate couples time. Feels like we are in a romantic relationship rather than just co-parenting friends. But if your marriage is solid there is no reason to rush as long as you communicate with each other and acknowledge that you want to work towards being more sexual and romantic and you are realistic about timeframes and priorities.

I noticed a huge difference in my enthusiasm after I stopped breastfeeding. And I was only feeding once a day in the end. She was 21 months by that point! Pregnant again so back on the rollercoaster 😅

It can be hard when you’re having sex at opportune times rather than when you’re spontaneous. Our kids are 6 and 10 and we still struggle to find uninterrupted time!

annual leave is great - we take the odd day off and have a long morning in bed then out for a late lunch. Great to not be rushing, and knowing we won’t be interrupted.

does erotic Fiction get you in the mood? Plenty of foreplay, maybe a vibrator? I’m far more likely to orgasm during penetration if I’ve already had a clitoral orgasm during foreplay.

and it’s not the same for everyone but I find that the more sex we have, the more sex I want. Once we get into a dry spell I start to feel less bothered about it.

This is so normal, OP. It is completely normal to go through a dry spell after birth, especially while breastfeeding. It is mentally and physically exhausting, and for me, when my babies were little, I just did not have the headspace for sex. I was constantly anxious they would wake up at any moment, so I could never fully get into it. It also took me a while to feel good about my body again and to feel at all sexual rather than milky and mumsy.

The most important thing is open communication and keeping affection going in other ways with kisses, cuddles, little moments of connection. The rest will come with time. Something that helped me was noticing the things I find attractive about my husband again, like his strong arms and hands, haha, and seeing him not just as my children’s dad.

I also agree with the person who mentioned gently jumpstarting your libido. Sometimes just thinking about sex or letting your mind wander in that direction can help get things going again. Maybe try reading some erotic fiction or even just letting yourself fantasise a bit. I had a lot of ‘solo time’ before getting really back into sex with my husband, then once I restarted the shagging I didn’t want to stop (and honestly I thought my libido had died!) Don’t pressure yourself and allow it to happen at your pace. You will have regular sex again.

I think that’s really good advice here from PP OP ..x