No friends

[Shadowfax2000]

Does anyone else have the same problems that I have as in the lack of friends? And I don't mean wrong friends, bad friends, nasty friends, two faced friends - just no friends? I'm almost fifty and I've lost contact with lots of work friends and my childhood/school friends over the years as they gradually fell away at the start of my late 30s and we're all pretty much gone going into my 40s to where I have none left. They've all have families wives or divorced and we've all lost contact. I even spent my 40th birthday on my own as no one knew or remembered it was my birthday, I wasn't too bothered at the time but now looking back it was a sign of things to come. I tend to keep myself to myself anyway but nearly 10yrs of this means it's only going to get worse into my 50s and older. A few stories/help videos online say join a running club or exercise class or just chat to random people out and about to strike up a friendship but I suffer from a bit of social anxiety and possibly other mental health issues so doing things like that would really make me too self conscious and be a bit of a push. Plus other things online say don't push yourself into those scenarios as they can make you withdraw further. Do anyone else suffer from this? I used to enjoy my own company and shutting myself away in my late 30s and 40s but I am starting to worry that my 50s are going to be very lonely and might worsen my mental health. The friends I did have obviously weren't that great anyway as they drifted away pretty easily and it must be 10yrs since anyone sent a text or rang for a catch up. I sometimes think I should have made an effort more to keep in touch but the fact they didn't neither shows that they weren't really bothered. I work full time and like to keep the work side of things separate and prefer it that way now. Lots of things are online saying many people struggle with isolation and loneliness now but I don't know how they cope with it, if there is an easy way to cope with it. Modern times don't help with cold dating sites, wipe left or swipe right and if you're not very sociable I'm not exactly going to meet a friend or partner in the supermarket neither or at a park. YouTube and tiktok seem to say it's a crisis for all ages now but it's definitely not good if you've managed to get 50 have no partner, or friends and I'm not close to my family neither.
I'm new to this site so if this has been brought up hundreds of times before sorry I didn't it is when I looked.

Yeah I hear you . I don’t have any friends either. It seems people will talk to me etc … but when they get to know me they disappear

I’ve given up trying to figure out why . I’m destined to be a loner . I don’t like it this way but at nearly 50 I don’t see how it will change now

Think one of the best things you can do is find a good counsellor (online is usual these days) and start looking within as to how this situation has come about. Because it will
be things you are subconsciously doing, repeating patterns (like withdrawing first for fear of rejection etc) - and look at how you’d like to change
Also write down how you’d like your life to look, what hobbies you might get into, what weekends might look like. Be specific, that sets a blueprint.
Studying something, in person, once a week or even a weekend a month is a brilliant way to meet new people - it can be anything, and there’s no pressure as it’s not dating etc. Just changing one habit changes everything… it’s totally possible

it’s a shame ! You’ve said you was happy to keep yourself to yourself - but a very strong component of a friendship, for me at least is being present ! No matter how hard or busy life is - you make time for your friends.
sounds like maybe you didn’t do that and now you are where you are ?

It must be hard to “find friends” later in life. Personally I’d plan a solo holiday in a nice vibrant resort and just enjoy it, you’ll get talking to people - no pressure of joining clubs or looking for friends. You’ll just meet good fun people and also have a fantastic time ! X

I also don’t have any friends and am in my 50s. I understand.

Mine have dwindled away pretty much. I think I'm going to join an art class or something. Or get a dog. See it as preparing for retirement maybe. If I have a few activities, I'll hopefully not be lonely. I do have a family, dc nearly grown up now. But I don't want to rely on them for company as I get older.

I’ve found it very hard in my 40s to make new friends. People already have their groups, besties and are non-committal. Loneliness can happen at any age.

I have always struggled with friendships and have not had a friend since primary school age. Don’t know what advice I can give but just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one. Mine definitely stems from fear of rejection x

Why don't you join some clubs like a walking or hiking group or do a class like creative writing or life drawing?

You don't have to socialise with anyone but you can get back into being sociable again.

On meetup there's loads of stuff near me where groups go to see exhibitions or go to the cinema.

I think if you want to make friends you will be able to. It sounds as though for a long time you weren't that bothered but things have now changed.

There is a skill to making connections and friends it can be developed. Amiable people have more friends, I understand. And you will be perceived as amiable if you take and interest in people and pay them sincere compliments and ask after them. It's rare to meet someone you click with immediately and not everyone you connect with will be a friend. But if you can widen your group of acquaintances you may over time make some friends. And you will know more people in the meantime.

It might also be worth reaching out to some of the people you used to know.

Good post.

My mum is still making new friends in her 80s, from much younger neighbours to 60-somethings in yoga classes and community groups plus keeping in touch with old friends from work and school. She’s interested in people and makes the effort to arrange things, show up, gives lifts and all of that. For me, she’s an example of how it’s about being there for other people rather than wanting them to be there for you, although the latter is a nice by-product. I think on a fundamental level it sounds like you’ve not been bothered about your friendships so of course they’ve faded and to say they can’t have been that bothered either is a downward spiral. Better to take responsibility for having let it slide and so take responsibility for reigniting things or starting over with new potential friends, but by trying to be a good friend rather than just for yourself. The more you focus on other people, the less anxious you’ll be about yourself and the more attractive you’ll become as a friend, partner etc. I’m simplifying here and of course you’ll want to find likeminds via work or hobbies rather than randoms on the bus, but you get the drift. It has to be a turning point where you want to change and put the effort in otherwise it’ll sputter out and you’ll be resigned to having your 60th alone. Which is fine if you want that, but it sounds like you’re ready for some company and there’s plenty of other people who need a good friend too.

I'm in my 50s and the only friend I have is someone I met through the friendship side of Bumble. I've had what I thought were close friends as I was younger, but each one disappeared once I stopped being useful for them or they found someone else.

I'm introverted and have tried joining clubs, groups etc, but no matter how friendly I was, nobody wanted to know. I go places, but being the only woman there alone is awful.

You could try reaching out to past friends. They may be feeling similar due to divorces, kids leaving the nest or other various life changes.

If it's just loss of contact rather than falling out, then I think it's worth trying to reconnect. I wouldn't necessarily take it as a rejection that contact ended, because people get wrapped up in their own lives sometimes.

I moved somewhere new once and found it hard to make friends. It took quite a few years. I would say that the thing that helped me was finding a friendly church. It really helped build up my social circle. I realise it may not be your sort of thing but it might be worth a try. Try and find one that has a lot going on, have a look at a website.

What are your interests.

There are lots of groups for all sorts out there.

Something practical where you dont need to talk all the time. Sewing . Art pottery etc
My area even has a ghost hunt group. Not been but sounds fun!!

Also reading between the lines for you post have you considered research into ADHD or autism. It may resonate with you. This is meant kindly.

Good luck xx

I’ve moved around a bit and have always had trouble making new friends. I have some lovely mum “friends” I’ll chat to when I see them but nothing outside of school really and the relationship is very much based around children. I’m planning to join a book group when I have a bit more time. I just don’t have much time for friendships either at the moment (not that anyone is banging down my door looking for a friend).

The one line in your post that jumped out to me is where you say ‘it must be 10yrs since anyone sent a text or rang for a catch up’. In that time, have you sent any texts to anyone or rang for a catch up? Have you made any effort (because you do need to)?

You might find it ‘a bit of a push’, but you’re going to have to step out your comfort zone if you want this to change m. And sometimes you might feel you’re making more of an effort than you’re getting back. But that’s ok in my book.
And don’t take it personally if you reach out to try and arrange something and your friend is not available. Just say ‘maybe another time, would love to catch up. ‘
But you have to put effort into it if you’re going to develop and maintain friendships

If you want friends you have to make the effort to start somewhere. As a pp said changing one habit can make the difference. A friend of mine wanted to increase her friendship group so she posted on the Friends part of Bumble and she has made some lovely friends that way. Maybe give that a try?