Given the silent treatment and feeling horrible

[may2025]

I woke up in the night to a message from my partner of three years saying he wanted to ask me a really personal question and then when I asked what he said don’t worry about it
he has ignored me since then, I think it’s because a male he thinks I had an affair with liked a photo on Facebook
he keeps making references to me seeing this man because when I first met him, he was giving me a weird look because he saw something he didn’t like on my phone and I thought it was because he saw this man’s status update and whilst trying to explain it came across as shady in my panic
this was three years ago and he still questions me
I have never had anything to do with the neighbour I just used to walk with sometimes with his dog seven years ago
now I feel sick anxious and stressed

@may2025 My ex was almost exactly like this. Sent me a text once very late about something innocent that happened very early on when we started dating. I’d bought him tickets to a concert he wanted to see and me not so much. Anyway the a few days before I started feeling very rough, sore throat, runny eyes nose, the works. I told him as the event was only two days away, I just wouldn’t be up to going so gave him both tickets in advance. Bear in mind, he’d not long met me and was intending to initially go with friends. Anyway he had a weird little tantrum moment and weirdly didn’t end up going himself but whatever. Then year after year including a night where he messaged me late to ask me ‘what was the reason again you couldn’t go to that concert with me?” I honestly think he was trying to catch me out but because it was the truth my story never changed. Anyway this was just a part of it. Men like this just don’t change. His paranoia and jealousy escalated in many other ways. It was very silly really as I’m a pretty shy introverted person who (despite his efforts), made him wait 3 months before inviting him into my home and bed. Yet he still thought that this was some kind of front and when he was at work - in his words “you’re probably messaging strange men and god knows what”. His paranoia was so out of control he honestly thought I was really some sort of harlot lol who had a string of men in when he was on night shift. It was so frustrating he couldn’t tell from my personality, demeanour, modestly dressed always - it was him always asking me to wear shorts and shorter skirts! 😅. I never wore make up either as I was confident in myself but bit by bit he was managing to break me down.

Like you I was scared to be alone as I actually have no family or friends but after he started spying on my car whereabouts and tried to gaslight me into believing I’d given him cause (basically me saying I wanted an early night the next night as I’d have been up at 5am for a work event would be fasting with a 2hr journey back and would be heading to bed and not staying up until 10pm to keep him company on night shift), instead of wishing me good luck for my presentation he abruptly ends call in a mood and next thing my car is being spied on!

It was this that caused me to end it. We had loads of good times and very annoyingly he was ridiculously handsome and could be very sweet, funny and spontaneous but it was all very Jekyll and Hyde and in the end I did let him go. At that point he was pushing me to sell me home and him his and us buy together and I though jeez you’re literally taking me down when we’re living apart so what in earth would happen if I actually did as he asked. So yeah, alone again, but using my single life time to pass some industry qualifications and focus on promotion - which btw was something he hated me talking about lol. So I’m even more determined to be successful now!

Wish you all the best in your journey and hope you have the strength to do what’s right for you ♥️

@MoominMaithank you so much for this, that is exactly like him, he has tried to erode my confidence bit by bit, it actually really helped seeing that I wasn’t so alone and that this has happened to someone else because I have been wracking my brain to see what I could have done wrong and bending over backwards to please him

I hate how I have become always so desperate to please him and do things for him yet he behaves like this

You’re in an abusive relationship and you need to end it. These are all common tactics of abusers. It won’t get better. It will only get worse. If he has a key to your house, have the locks changed, send him a text saying it’s not working for you anymore because of his irrational jealousy and he’s not to contact you again. Then block him everywhere. If he comes to your home, keep the door locked and call the police to have him removed from the premises. Ending a relationship with an abuser is the most dangerous time and even if he’s not been violent before, they can escalate when the victim end the relationship. So, play it safe. Go full no contact. You do not owe him anything. Your life will be much better and more peaceful without him in it.

I would advise you to read this book too. It’s free.
archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/1up?view=theater

Yes! Again I totally get you. When I met him he said he admired my independence and the fact that I managed to buy my own property, had a good job etc. But then he would get very annoyed if I had to stay overnight for work so instead of saying I enjoyed seeing colleagues and attending events I would try to please him and say I hated going and couldn’t wait for it to be over 🙄. I pretended I hated having ti study for some qualifications as well because it meant less time with him. I also had to keep on and on saying I miss him or he’d get in a mood. I even offered to stay awake until 10pm when he had his first break on night shift as I was so desperate to please him. It’s so stupid now looking back, how I moved heaven and earth always trying to ‘prove’ I’m not a liar, or a cheater but a good person. It was honestly just awful. I’ve been out of that relationship for 2 years now and at first I felt sick and lonely and for the first 6 months just wanted to be with him again because I missed the fun we had but the truth is if I stayed with him, he would destroy me because his paranoia was very slowly but surely worsening and he was just saying the most outrageous things. Once in a pub on NYE, a woman tourist said we looked cute together (she was a little drunk) and started asking him about me and said that she thought I was a lovely girl to be with him and he should treat me well. Then afterwards I though oh god he’s going to have a go at me now even though I never said anything! And he did, he kept saying for the rest of the evening that night ‘so why do you think she thinks you’re not that into me? Because that’s what it sounded like she was saying’. Oh my god honestly! I have loads of stories like this! It got worse in my 2nd year because that’s when partners usually show their true colours. Now I think he was mentally ill amd he’s so handsome he’ll get another woman easy but he’ll lose her as well because he’s toxic and impossible to please. Even if I give him my phone he still would keep saying I met staranfe men at my work event etc 🤦🏻‍♀️

So to cut a long story short, you are definitely not alone and makes me feel so sad for you because I u derstamd how psychologically damaging this is. Please do not let this drag you down. Life is short and I was like you scared to let go knowing I don’t have many others in my life if he goes. And I won’t lie the first few months your heart will ache for those silly texts and messages and hugs and whatever but just keep looking at the list of reasons why you had to leave him behind and the sense of relief I have now is so amazing and peace of mind is invaluable.

I wont tell you what to do, I’m sure you know in your heart what’s right and at least you’re aware enough to know that this is not right and something needs to change because you deserve the same love, respect and trust you keep giving him. But just be mindful not to completely exhaust yourself on him year after year but not have gained anything in return to better your own life. Please don’t lose yourself trying to please him forever ♥️

You are in an abusive relationship with this man.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Your relationship to this person is over because of the abuse he meets out to you. Abuse is not a relationship issue, it’s about power and control and this man wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

How can you be helped into leaving your Abuse like described can take years to recover from.

Please enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and contact Womens Aid. Thankfully you do not live with him so ending the relationship will be easier.

He knows you know what the issue is he likely wants you to block this man. You should 100% block your hopefully now ex so you don't wake up in a decades time wishing you had.

Agree with PP - your BF is abusive. In a good relationship, you flourish, your confidence grows, your energy increases, your world gets bigger, your horizons expand etc etc. You get the picture. This man is bad for you. He’s destroying you. Get away as soon as you can. Get some support in real life if possible to help you extricate yourself.

You could benefit from therapy to help you end this relationship.

It's unhealthy.

You're losing touch with friends because of him.

You're being isolated.

These are part of an abusive relationship.

@MoominMaithank you again, a lot of what you said really resonates with this relationship, Im actually fed up with it now and he has crossed a line for me
it’s pathetic he is fast approaching 50 and is behaving like a child
I haven’t tried to placate him this time he can fuck off and I can work on building my self up

Don’t message him OP. In fact I would say block him. It’s time to reclaim your life and confidence.

He behaves like this to keep you confused and anxious. Drop all of the ropes and let him go.

Sounds like he has keys to your house? If so get the locks changed. And keep the extra lock on.

When you ignore these narc types they hate it. And they will eventually start talking to you again, as if nothing ever happened. But they are offended, and they will punish you once they get you back where they want you.

So it’s best to block on all channels.

Imagine not feeling this anxious each day. Having energy to go out and see friends. To speak to your neighbour without feeling guilty. Take your life back. 💐

He's 50?????!!!! I thought late teens/early 20s.
As pp said change locks and block him. Start living your life!

Either he is absolutely crackers for making up this narrative of an affair in his head that has not happened and he’s a wrongen for making you feel this way when you’ve done nothing wrong or you have led him to believe that you would be capable of major unfaithfulness through your mannerisms, behaviour or previous experiences.

There is just not enough context there to fully comprehend the truth of the matter.

He knows you didn’t have an affair he’s just using it to control you. The moment you tell him he knows it’s not true and shrug he will go back to the drawing board and think of a different bullshit accusation. Took my ex about 20 mins to come up with a new one

You need to end the relationship with your so called partner and block him.

Jealousy of the sort he is exhibiting is an enormous red flag.

He's setting g himself ypnas someone you Nswer to, but he will never be satisfied that you are telling him the truth. You will always be in the back foot here, trying to convince him of something he refuses to believe.

It's a power play on his part. He is not capable of being a loving and respectful partner to you. He just wants to see you sad and desperate to be believed, while all he has to do is keep on needling you for the heck of it.

Dump and block.
Life is too short to waste it with a pathetic man

You can bet your bottom dollar that he has been loving every minute of that.

Stop explaining to him.
Stop trying to please him.

You're handing yourself to him on a plate.

This relationship is not healthy - you need to end it and don't let him guilt you into going back, or believe any promises he makes.

How many more red flags do you need before you do something about it? if this was a friend what would you say to do?

I had one of these, thankfully it was before mobile phones and the internet. I can’t even begin to imagine what it would have been like if we’d had those.
He ground me down so much that I stopped going out with my friends and seeing my family. If I was 5 minutes late home from work I was having an affair, if I wore make up or perfume I was having an affair. On and on and on. Told me that he brought me out of the gutter and would put me back there. (I was never in the gutter).

Then he started knocking me about. Blacked my eye because a former colleague said hello to me in a nightclub.
Kicked my brothers door in because he thought I was there seeing another man.
Strangled me, pushed me down the stairs. Too many examples to list.

He also was ridiculously handsome, he looked like Mel Gibson when he was younger. I was just an ordinary looking girl, there was hardly a queue of men wanting me.

I ended up a shell of my old self, skinny, living on my nerves, always trying to prove that I wasn’t lying or up to no good. Exhausting.

Please cut yourself loose from this man. It won’t end well.

Being single is a million times better than being with a controlling twat who treats you like shit.

He’s worn you down and eroded every bit of your self worth. I guarantee once he’s out of your life, your self esteem will slowly start to come back.

Being on your own can be scary but I would rather be on my own than stay in a relationship that makes me anxious.

Better to be in your own than be with an abuser, you are very much alone in this so called relationship now. He’s now managed to shrink your world considerably by making you think it’s no longer worth going out because of the arguments he starts.

Do you have additional real life support in terms of family and friends?

I can confirm this is the truth from my own experience. He accused me of cheating several times (among other forms of emotional abuse and controlling behaviour), the last time was when I said I needed space from the relationship and he messaged this whole story about how he knew I had cheated because of things I said and he had evidence etc (clearly trying to get me to rack my brain about what I could possibly have said that would have alluded to something that didn't happen), however this time round I didn't even acknowledge the accusation and didn't bother to defend myself. I just replied to say I thought it was best if we didn't have further contact.

This actually led him to retract the accusation and admit that he always knew I never had cheated and never would, but that he'd just said it because he was frustrated with me and wanted to get at me! So he'd completely made it up on the spot.

Just to give you a little insight into how their brain works.

Like quite a few men mentioned on this thread it seems, he was also ridiculously good looking, and through the entire relationship I was completely in love and smitten with him, empathised with him and wanted to save him from his demons.
Which is why it hurt so much to let him go, when I was actually still in love with him, but I was also having a nervous breakdown and panic attacks, and my head knew I literally couldn't continue it, despite my heart wanting it.

I've since been reading a book called "was it even abuse" and it's been really helpful to me. It also explains why nothing we do and say can soothe their "insecurities". It's because it's not about that.

We strive for harmony and compromise in a relationship, whereas they are not interested in that, they just strive for control. So essentially you are never on the same page and this explains why it just never seems to work despite you doing everything you think you need to do to make it work and achieve that harmony. Harmony is not their goal.

You are probably addicted to the highs and lows of this. A bit like taking cocaine probably. The lows are so low you’ll cling on for the rare high. And a ‘high’ will be something perfectly ordinary, just so much higher than abuse.